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Burnout in law enforcement as an officer or spouse seems inevitable, considering the sacrifices you make and the impact on both of you. It leads to arguments and disconnection.
You work hard, juggling work, home, social life, projects, kids, parents, and all the other things. Appointments, meetings, and shifts keep getting added to your calendar, and paperwork is piling up. Maybe you've said yes to a few people or situations you really wanted to say no to.
You realize you're not just burning the candle on both ends, but you've added some wicks making the candle burn faster. You think if I can just get through this or that, I can take a break. You promise yourself you will never do this again, only to find yourself back in a cycle again, or maybe you don't see an end in sight at all.
You're in burnout.
Yolanda Harper, LCSW, and Cyndi Doyle discuss the impact of burnout in law enforcement officers, spouses, and relationships.
Soul Sabbatical
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In this episode of the Code4Couples podcast, host Cyndi Doyle continues the conversation with Joan Van De Greik about the severe financial impacts following her husband's traumatic brain injury (TBI) sustained in the line of duty. Joan shares the struggles they faced including mounting medical expenses, navigating insurance and workers' comp, the importance of disability and life insurance with living benefits, and ultimately starting her business Fetch Your Wealth.
Joan's story highlights the necessity of financial planning for law enforcement families facing similar challenges.
Fetch Your Wealth
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Fehlende Folgen?
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There's an injury to the head on the job. If it's an open wound, it gets addressed, stapled up, and healed. As time goes on, you or your spouse notices that you're different.
You're changing your mood, your drive, your impulsivity and your memory isn’t what it used to be.
You aren't sure what's happening.
Despite what looks fine externally, you know something is going on.
Traumatic brain injuries or TBIs are injuries to the brain that impact the function of the brain. A TBI has consequences in cognitive, psychological, social, behavioral, and even other functioning. TBIs can range in severity and in a 2020 study, it was suggested that 38.9% of officers who reported a loss of consciousness due to a concussion had a mild TBI. When there are possible injuries to the head, the protocols to determine a TBI are often overlooked causing officers and families to struggle to determine what is happening when behavior changes.
I've heard of couples confusion when there's a change. I've seen it in my office, and I personally know of a couple here locally that spent years trying to get a department to understand a TBI that had occurred on the job and its impact on the officer today. Joan Van De Greik shares the story of her husband's injury and their years of struggle, not only to get the diagnosis but also dismissal and betrayal of the city and the fight for compensation as a work-related injury. Joan's mission is to educate other law enforcement families and help them to be financially prepared should they experience a career ending injury or line of duty death. This is part one of my interview with Joan as she shares her story of the struggle after the incident
Fetch Your Wealth
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In a dual first responder home, there are times when first person and vicarious trauma must coexist. We may experience the traumatic incident firsthand and then hear the other person's view of the same incident when we are home together. While the differing perspectives can be beneficial, it's not always true. Everyone reacts to a singular incident differently, and sometimes it can be difficult to remember.
Lisa and James Robinson are a dual first responder couple who have and continue to work through traumas both individually and shared. In this episode, they share how they stumble through and what they have learned to help and support themselves and each other.
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As a couple, we are aware that officers and their families can be impacted by the job. Sometimes, the impact is trauma. That trauma can be direct or indirect. Secondary traumatic stress can impact officers, spouses, children, or even extended family and friends. We need to be aware of the signs and symptoms to help ourselves and those we love. Expert, Melissa Kaiser talks about what to look for and strategies on how to counter the impact.
For further resources or personalized assistance, Melissa Kaiser can be reached via email at [email protected] or through LinkedIn: Melissa Kaiser.
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Hypervigilance allows officers to stay aware and safe on the job. As an officer or spouse, you may be aware or have a general understanding of hypervigilance. You may even understand that what goes up must come down. Sadly, that single biological process that keeps our officers safe, can spill over like a tsunami in our relationships.
We need to be aware of how it shows up and notice it to make changes. Garrett TeSlaa, who is an active law enforcement officer and host of the very popular Squad Room podcast talks about the impact of hypervigilance on the family and the impact he's making on officers and their families.
If you are interested in joining The Academy, visit thesquadroom.net/theacademy
For any questions, reach out to Garrett at [email protected].
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In this podcast episode, host Cyndi Doyle interviews Brian Ellis, a retired law enforcement officer and creator of Magnus Worx, about the importance of wellness and resilience in the law enforcement profession. Wellness is not just a physical issue, but also a mental one, and it is crucial for law enforcement organizations to prioritize the well-being of their personnel. Ellis discusses the alarming state of public safety well-being and the need for organizations to take action to support their employees. He also highlights the importance of data in measuring the effectiveness of wellness programs and the role of technology in providing a safe and anonymous environment for individuals to express their needs and concerns. Ellis encourages law enforcement personnel to prioritize their own wellness and seek out resources and support, and emphasizes the need for organizations to adopt a strategic and holistic approach to wellness.
LinkedIn: @magnusworx
Instagram: @magnusworx
Magnusworx.com
National Command and Staff College
The Theory of MAGNUS OVEA: A General Theory of Human Performance & Wellbeing
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My husband and I were super naive when it came to understanding how his job was going to impact our relationship. I saw it as a career path, just like any other. I mean, sure, there was danger and shift work, but what more could there be? No one told us what to expect or how to make sure our relationship stayed solid. As a couple new to law enforcement, I wish someone would have told us some basics. Amber Smith is a police spouse and counselor with a passion for educating new first responder couples. She and I sat down and had a conversation on some of those basics that new and tenured police couples need to know.
Home - Found Therapy Services
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Moral Injuries are a significant yet often unrecognized issue among first responders. Understanding what a moral injury is and recognizing its potential impact on careers and families is crucial to their overall wellness.
In this episode, Judy Couwels talks about what moral injuries are, how to recognize them, and how to combat their impact.
The First Responder Mental Health, "The Clinician's Guide
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Communication and connection are a challenge for all of us in law enforcement relationships. There are some extra special challenges when you're on call all the time or you're in situations where you just can't talk due to being in a special assignment such as undercover work or maybe the part of a SWAT team.
Heather Williams, a law enforcement professional, turned police psychologist, and SWAT spouse talks about the unique challenges of special units, their impact on relationships and strategies to communicate and connect.
Premier First Responder Psychological Services
Premier1streponder.com
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“I just don't want to burden my spouse with what I experience on the job” is a way of protecting the people that you love. I always thought my husband was open only to find out later that this happened a few times within our relationship. Most of the time an officer's spouse and family sense that something is up. It bleeds over.
While protecting the family is noble, it is also a way that an officer can avoid talking about difficult things. Our relationships need to involve trust. Officers, trust that your spouse can handle what you are sharing, and as a spouse trust that an officer will navigate that line between sharing and traumatizing. This week, law enforcement couple Brett and Danielle Koss joined me to discuss developing a reciprocal relationship of trust and understanding.
CCS Behavioral Health and Recovery (ccswebsite.org)
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We have all worked in a toxic work environment due to the workplace culture, co-workers, supervisors, or the work itself.
Stephanie Kiesow is a former law enforcement officer, cop kid, and cop’s wife. She saw how work impacted her parents, their mood, and in turn the family. She started her career in law enforcement at 18 and in 2011, when her fiancé had a pending IA, lost him to death by suicide. This kicked off what Stephanie calls her obsessive curiosity about suicide and how the workplace contributes to the permanent decision.
Stephanie is currently working on her PhD in Organizational psychology. Through her research and education, she found contributing workplace factors that impact mental health and cause death in a perceptual sense or literal sense and coined the term workicide.
Stephanie’s goal is to help people mitigate a work-related decline in their mental health and increase their overall well-being so they can enjoy work and love life. She has written the book Workicide to help others do just that.
This is a deep topic but you will want to hear her research and her solutions for our law enforcement culture.
LinkedIn: Stephanie K.
Workicide: How to Overcome a Career-Related Decline in Mental Health and Reignite Your Passion for Work and Life.
Burnout — Code4Couples
Beyond the Badge — Code4Couples
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In this podcast episode, host Cyndi Doyle interviews John Blumenthal, a Retired Master Sergeant (Ret.) with the Oklahoma City Police Department. Blumenthal shares his personal journey of struggling with trauma and making poor choices, which led to the deterioration of his relationships with his family. He emphasizes the importance of prioritizing wellness and seeking help. He discusses his involvement in peer support and wellness programs, including his work with the Warriors Rest Foundation and the National Cops Program. Blumenthal encourages law enforcement officers to seek support and make positive choices to improve their well-being and relationships.
Essential Skills for Law Enforcement Couples: Free GuideWarriors Rest Foundation
COPS
Code4Couples: Get Updates on Latest Podcasts and Resources!
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We all know that this lifestyle means long hours and lots of stress. Loss of sleep only impacts stress further. When does stress become burnout?
Burnout is oftentimes a precursor to more serious mental health issues. If we could catch burnout or even work to prevent burnout, officers would be safer on the job and relationships are potentially more stable. If spouses could catch burnout, they might continue to have patience and compassion. With burnout, we all wear a little thin.
How do we identify burnout? How is law enforcement burnout unique? What can we do if we already realize we are in burnout? How can we reverse the impact?
Deana Kahle, LMFT, shares her story of burnout after serving to support mass multiple incidents. She shares the impact, her story of recovery, and how you can address it if you are amid burnout or want to prevent it.
The Story of the Boy and the Starfish
@Copshrink
aboveboardconsulting.com.
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Katie Bingner is a counselor in Maryland, a law enforcement spouse, and a communications coach for law enforcement couples. I just assumed that her wife worked in Maryland. I was wrong. She works in Washington, DC. That led me to ask about January 6th and come to find out, her wife was in the thick of it. What started as an interview about connection and communication in law enforcement couples ended up being a conversation about how they were both impacted by the incident on January 6th. Katie talks about how their previous struggles that almost tore them apart made them stronger as a couple. It's something that she now credits with helping them to understand what they each needed as they moved through the trauma and multiple officers' suicides as a result of the January 6th insurrection.
Katiebingner.com
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There is a holiday song that always makes my husband and I laugh. It is Bob Rivers singing "The Twelve Pains of Christmas," and it's funny because it is sadly and hilariously true. The lyrics are the first thing about Christmas that's such a pain to me and he goes through a list. The first one is finding a Christmas tree, rigging up the lights, and hangovers. The fourth one is sending Christmas cards, five months of bills, and the sixth one is facing in-laws. He goes through other stressors as well like finding gifts, crying kids, charity donations, crowds, parking, you get the point. We all know that the holidays can be stressful and overwhelming. Let's add on the pressure for families to magically get along and you have a very dysfunctional bow on a very stressful holiday package.
There can be conflict within your own family around supporting law enforcement, pressures to visit people, making the perfect dinner, and looking just so perfect for that event that you have to go to. At times, family and friends don’t really understand that you as an officer, or your spouse can't just survive on two hours of sleep to go to that family dinner or be present at the exact time that everybody's getting together.
So how do you get through the holiday without overwhelming anxiety or anger?
How do you be with people who know just the right thing to say to trigger you?
Maybe you wind up feeling incredibly small or maybe you want to blow up and tell them off?
How do you support your spouse when you know that they're triggered by your family or theirs?
Let's talk about some of the conversations to have as a couple and how you can learn to respond to those people who know how to push your buttons so you can get through your own happy holiday.
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You may or may not know who Dr. Ellen Kirschman is, but you’ve certainly been impacted by her. I think of Ellen as the godmother of police psychology. She has paved the way for many counselors and spouses with her books, I Love A Cop and Counseling Cops. She was one of the first, if not the first, to offer workshops for spouses to understand their officer. She's passionate about helping officers heal from trauma and continues to volunteer her time to do just that. In my interview with Ellen, I get her thoughts on how the blue family has changed over the years, trauma, PTSD, her books, and her love for writing fiction mystery novels based upon the stories and experiences she has had in the police world.
Ellen Kirschman Ph.D. | Psychology Today United Kingdom
Treating Traumatic Stress in First Responders | Psychology Today United Kingdom
How Family Retreats Can Help Law Enforcement Families Heal | Psychology Today United Kingdom
Married to a Cop? Their Stress Can Become Yours | Psychology Today United Kingdom
Visit Ellen Kirschman, The Cop Doc and sign up for her newsletter to stay up to date on all new activity.
I Love A Cop
Counseling Cops
Visit Amazon.com for all of Dr. Ellen Kirschman’s fiction mystery novels!
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Before I met Allison Uribe, I came across her book, Cuffs and Coffee: A Devotional for Wives of America's Law Enforcement Officers. When we met in 2019 at a conference in Ohio where we were both speaking, I realized that Allison was not only a lot of fun but that she had grit. She will fess up to not handling situations the best way possible early on in her relationship and that she and her husband haven’t always had smooth sailing in their marriage. What saved her relationship was when she started walking her “faith walk.” She realized she needed to behave differently in her marriage and when she turned to faith, it impacted her and then her husband. Today Allison shares her story of struggle and how faith changed her and now allows her to impact many others in law enforcement as a Chaplain in San Antonio.
Because I'm Suitable
Cuffs and Coffee: A Devotional for Wives of America's Law Enforcement Officers.
Wives On Duty Ministries | Facebook
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No one I know is more out in our community as a dual law enforcement couple sharing their story than Cathy and Javier Bustos. I interviewed them several years ago on episode 46 when they were both still working in law enforcement and growing with their company, That Peer Support Couple. They shared their unique lens on being an officer and a spouse to each other. Now they've both retired and I wanted to find out what it has been like for them as officers and spouses in retirement.
www.cathyandjavi.com
[email protected]
[email protected]
[email protected]@thatpeersupportcouple
Warrior's Rest Foundation – Helping First Responders Build Resilience through Trust and Courage (warriorsrestfoundation.org)
Angels on the Horizon
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The holiday season can be challenging for any couple. For law enforcement couples, we know that it's going to bring an absence to regularly scheduled events and rituals. What can be kind of nice is the increased need for off-duty officers at shopping centers and churches, or the overtime that comes with having to work events, or the holidays themselves. That extra dump of income can be really nice and helpful, and even make the separation worth it during the holidays.
It can also get couples in trouble if they plan on the cash to catch them up with bills that they've incurred throughout the years. The OT and off -duty can also have a side effect on officers creating a safety issue and stress and conflict in your relationship.
It's important, especially during the holidays, to decide how you want to take advantage of the situation and honor how you want to celebrate and connect over the holiday season. Overtime and off -duty can be great. Just don't let it be a trap. Today, I'm rebooting one of my favorite episodes with now -retired sheriff's deputy, financial coach, and podcaster Jason Hoshauer, and his wife, Katie, as they talk about the financial trap they've found themselves in and how they recovered.
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