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** This episode was recorded just before Prime Minister Rishi Sunak called the election; please sit back and bask in an election free zone.
Has Kevin Costner got better with age? Esther thinks so. She also ranks his film âRobin Hood Prince of Thievesâ as the best of all time, unlike his current project â Horizon: chapter one.
In a spooky premonition Giles stars in his own vanity project; a gripping drama about a snap election, an assassination and an ageing dad being called up to save the ashes.
A new sex themed Italian restaurant has opened in Milan, Giles does not want to know what the specials are!
Despite the recent tragic events statistically air travel is still very safeâŠjust donât board a plane built by the NHS and run by the Post Office. Whatever the plane, the 'Campden Peopleâs Theatre' will be flying first class, but theyâd love to mix with those in the cheap seatsâŠ
Finally, itâs time to prepare! Never mind the election weâre talking pandemics, learn from lock down - more pasta and hummus, less toilet roll.
If youâre wondering what the pitter patter in the background is, thatâll be the rain.
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Artist Jonathan Yeo has painted luminaries such as Tony Blair, David Cameron and most recently the King. He has also painted Giles (twice) and Estherâs sister. As old friends of Jonathan, Giles and Esther are well placed to guide the philistines of Instagram through his artistic talents.
Chancellor Jeremy Hunt is seeking to reassure the nation that all is well in the UK. Unfortunately, his lacklustre writing style is the least of his problems; he has an 800 year old tax rebate and a batty flautist to sort out first.
A new carrot and carrot approach to the obesity crisis is showing positive results. Are incentives the way forward to change behaviours� How much to make people pronounce semaglutide correctly�
Finally, Giles gets in touch with his feminine side in the swimming pool, once he has buried his acornsâŠ
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Fehlende Folgen?
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The Garrick Club is finally opening its doors to women, well some women. Whilst not a member, as a regular frequenter of the Garrick Giles lets daylight in upon magic and reveals the earth-shattering secrets of the gentlemanâs club. Esther wonders why on earth anyone would bother.
A grassroots Muslim campaign group emboldens Giles and Esther to offer their own list of demands to potential PM Keir Starmer.
Brexit makes an unwelcome return as the fall guy for a bad opening night. Esther has sympathy but Giles smells a Gallic rat.
Finally, Esther stumbles upon the unforeseen consequences of automatic only driving testsâŠdoom in a post-apocalyptic world. But does it make her sad...?
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The pressing question this week is: If a T-Rex played Taylor Swift at chess who would win? An octopus has offered to referee, but only if it is paid in food stamps. âAn expertâ has suggested that the TâRex may have been a little dimâŠso Giles wonders what or who constitutes dim in the 21st century...?
Could the demise of Humza Yousaf be down to the Scottish Nationalists losing the culture warsâŠwhen asked for their opinion the great Scottish public replied âGet te f**k!â It turns out that it is not only opinionated columnists who need the culture wars, the Tory party do too, and possibly the Daily Mail.
Bland, over processed and will do you no good â Taylor Swift or supermarket bread? The bread of course, but some, may have reached Taylor Swift saturation point.
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Could the culture wars finally be drawing to a close? If they are what will Giles talk about in future; certainly not ancient antiquities, his knowledge is lacking in that sphere. How to spice up oneâs autobiography, some celeb gossip here, a royal orgy thereâŠletâs ask Rebel Wilson she is bound to have a few more ideas.
Age is but a number, which may just be seventeen thousand. Thatâs what John Cleese is paying for stem cell therapy. But why worry, what of the crows of the air, they do not sow or reapâŠperhaps because they are to preoccupied with the âTokyo crow controllerââŠ
Lastly, what makes a good friendshipâŠGiles doesnât care heâs too busy picking up crisp packets.
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Warning flag: this episode contains sensitive content.
Fresh from the Easter recess Giles and Esther have a cunning plan to lure in new listeners, theyâre flying the flag for air fryers. Keen to be welcoming of all cooking methods they undertake some thorough research which includes never using, trying or knowing anything about air fryers, before coming to a categoric conclusion on the latest kitchen gadgetâŠ
They take a look at the most expensive streets to live in the UK - none of which have flags in the front garden - and compare them to their own ends.
Saving the best till last Giles and Esther try to identify the twenty-one sexuality and gender flags on display at a hospital reception in the midlands. Giles canât find his flag, and he is worried about members of the Royal Navy. Finally, he stumbles upon an idea which he sends up his flagpole to see if it gets a saluteâŠ
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Britain was made great by arseholes; MPâs thinking about porn and national stereotypes.
Itâs a very slow news week. Lacking stimulation Giles and Esther turn to pornography and the MPâs who are worrying about its effect on sex education. Inspired, Giles decides he can write a piece in praise of âthe arseholeâ â they have a game of âgood arsehole, bad arseholeâ and speculate on the nature of Sacha Baron Cohenâs arsehole-ness.
Fully expecting to face justice for their crimes against good taste Giles and Esther consider the potential end to the trial by jury system. In its placeâŠtrail by ordeal. Their punishment; to spend eternity gazing at an awful sculpture of a moustachioed plumber.
Finally, an Italian, an Aussie and a Swede walk into a sauna...
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The new Bond, MPâs presenting TV programmes, Giles is a Gorilla and Ewan McGregorâsâŠacting skills.
Giles is very excited by the latest actor being linked with the role of James Bond, he feels sure he has some useful tips for the scrip writers â a Volvo car, a fussy mother, and some anti-allergy pillows.
Elsewhere, what would the BBC advertise if they could⊠waterproof pants or Stormzyâs latest album? Giles is preoccupied with the effect gravity is having on Ewan McGregorâs acting career. And Esther and Giles believe in the benefits of fasting, they have a gut feeling itâs a good thing. Sadly, recent research may disagree, they turn to Love Island contestant Auto Phagya for help.
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Giles has gone down the RAC rabbit hole, and to his delight it is providing him with an endless stream of evidence proving that he is, surprise surprise⊠an excellent driver. Not content with that he decides to quiz Esther on some of the most common driving myths, thus proving that she is not an excellent driver. You be the judge as to the veracity of his conclusions.
In a column that writes itself the ONSâs inflation basket gets a makeover for centrist dads, boomers, and millennials. Finally, Esther nails her colours to the mast â what is the point of university..?
** Mansfield College does in fact have college status, granted in 1995.
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Peter Mandelson thinks Keir Starmer "needs to shed a few pounds". And Giles, always the friendly neighbour, thinks he can help his local MP look his dashing best on camera. What should he wear, where should he stand, and who should he stand next to? You're welcome Sir Keir - a future invite to Chequers is surely inevitable...
Plus, it's International Women's Day. So what better way to celebrate than writing about what International Men's Day would look like? And while in the safe confines of podcast land, Giles asks Esther about whether she's scared of the menopause.
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Following last weekâs comments about the Israel Gaza conflict, Giles had a visit to a local synagogue to navigate. It turned out the Rabbi may have been more famous than he is, but Giles did his aunt proud â shepping nachas!
Looking for a diversion, Giles and Esther watched a documentary on âBenniferâ - Ben Affleck and Jennifer LopezâŠit was quite a disappointment. Their version of a great love story has more in common with the Twits, things get out of hand when they list their pet peeves.
Staying with America, Peppa Pig is spreading the English accent across the Atlantic. Neither are fans of the pink oinker, or of world book day as it turns out. Finally, some wet nappies tie the whole thing together, sort of.
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Itâs a challenging and thoughtful episode this week. Giles has changed his opinion on the Israel Gaza conflict. He reflects on the time since he last spoke and wrote about it back in October; his final comments then proved depressingly accurate. Esther is caught off guard when discussing the fate of Russian dissident Alexei Navalny. Thereafter, all other subjects seem to be âtap dancingâ around the edges, but nevertheless menâs jewellery leads to an amusing insight into Esther and Giles respective sex lives at universityâŠ
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VAT on school fees offers Giles and Esther the chance to consider the effects of a deluge of public-school children into the state system. Should it come to pass there will be a familiar cast of winners and losers. A pressing question; how should one dress when out in Mayfair? As shabbily as possible it seems, with good reason, oh and donât wear a watch.
After the break the Kings cancer diagnoses stirs some emotional memories, but nothing to be exploited. In lighter news it turns out that Orcas are not lost at sea and the French are having less sex, whilst the English are making eyes at their pets...
**For those, like me, unsure of the meaning of a âmufti dayâ it is a non-uniform day at school
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Gwyneth Paltrow isâŠfurious. Thankfully Gwyn has a unique way to unleash her anger. As a man used to losing his temper Giles feels he can give her some tips.
Esther and Giles have been mixing in rarefied circles, but they donât like to talk about itâŠmuch. In an exclusive just for the podcast they give a little glimpse into the life of grace and favour.
Lean, fearful children, vain rats and a sexy Jesus pave the way for Rishi Sunak and advice on fasting. Sadly, they never did make it to Marcus Rashford or soft drink sommeliersâŠmaybe next time.
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What constitutes being fit for your ageâŠa lap of the track, twenty push ups, or lugging a TV to the tip and changing the bed sheets? Giles and Esther put themselves to the test. Is âfat neckâ a sign of being unfit, or an ailment or not a thing at all. Whatever it is, Giles definitely doesnât have it! And while weâre on illness, he doesnât have man flu either. In fact, âman fluâ is just a tired tropeâŠbut he might have prostate trouble, but he canât be sure because his doctor doesnât wish to do the necessary.
Finally, a fly past of beards, queue jumping and potty mouthed parrots, all of which just about adds up to a podcast.
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Welcome back and a Happy New Year. Giles welcomes 2024 by pondering the impending apocalypse. Thankfully that doesnât last long before thoughts turn to working or wanking, or both. Is work by its very definition not to be enjoyed? To quote Esther; âitâs boring and it never stops.â It is unlikely that public sex acts would improve matters much, but it is hard not to consider once the seed has been sown. Speaking of filth, Giles hasnât washed in six days, but with good reason. Esher on the other had has washed, but in an unconventional manner. Perhaps it is because, like Kate Moss, they just donât give a figâŠ
Here's to series twelve, thanks for listening.
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It's fun, it's festive, itâs a bumper edition.
We hope you enjoy it. If you do, please share.
Merry Christmas, see you in the New Year.
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Its Christmas and itâs all hands to the ideas pump. Giles has columns to write, lots of them, and heâd like them done before Christmas eve. Cue a list of perennial Christmas crackers; cost of Christmas, Whamageddon!, other things to avoid before Christmas, who likes Christmas pudding and dead or alive at ChristmasâŠ
A quick look at robot reverends and Estherâs tips on prepping for the end of the world, and weâre half an hour closer to Christmas.
PS Benny Hill didnât die on Christmas day.
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Giles and Esther are feeling a little uneasy about discussing the news. Well, one story in particular, the Israel Gaza conflict. Can anything be said, is anyone the right person to say it?
In cheerier news, winter is here, hurrah! Light the fire, hunker down and see no one. Whilst huddled under a blanket Esther has an idea, possibly one âborrowedâ from an Adam Sandler film; Esther wants to enact VAR in everyday lifeâŠdid you really put the toilet seat down? Finally, the merits of single sex or mixed schools - Giles and Esther make their pitch for; âThe rest is education.â
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Alternative titles this week could have been âMassive Nutsâ or âNow imagine youâre on twitter, 16 and a bit thick.â Anyway, how are you? Yes, you? All set for Christmas? I donât know where the time goes, only seems two minutes since it was January. Care for a biscuit...? Giles and Esther are discussing small talk. It seems that some Gen Z's might need a helping hand with face-to-face communication. Sad face emoji.
They cover big talk as well with the autumn statement, eating disorders and anti-Semitic octopuses. Finally, they perform a graceful pirouette to discuss a trip to the ballet.
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