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FINDING CONTENTMENT
Good day again, My name is Gerda Snyman and I am talking about life after divorce.
The previous time I talked about forgiveness and today I want to talk about finding contentment – how to live a full and fulfilling life again.
As I continued my single life, I made peace with the fact that I don’t have what couples have – intimacy with a spouse, children and grandchildren. I had to accept the voids of what I see others are enjoying. It was painful in the beginning and sometime still is when I see my friends bragging about their grandchildren. But I have more time to reach out to others and be there for those who are lonely and struggling. I have more time for Bible study and being with God. I have a peaceful life and found my fulfilment and contentment in those things – being useful in God’s Kingdom.
I have learned, in whatsoever state I am, therewith to be content. - PHIL 4:11A book I once studied was The Rare Jewel of Christian Contentment by Jeremiah Burroughs.
Burroughs quoted Paul from Phil 4:11 “I have learned, in whatsoever state I am, therewith to be content”.
Burroughs wrote, “Christian contentment is that sweet, inward, quiet, gracious frame of spirit…..in every condition.” And Paul said it was something he had to learn.
Most lessons of contentment I have learnt are from these two men. I had to learn to have that quiet frame of spirit and silence the murmuring spirit within me. That came after time when submitting and spending time in God’s Word and in prayer – daily. Then I was able to be of service to others, get involved again with ministry and with action groups at my church. It is striking that John the Baptist, Jesus himself and the apostle Paul were unmarried and they viewed singleness as a legitimate and positive vocation. Paul even said that it is a gift from God.
The most important thing is to have God as the centre of my universe – not myself or anybody else.
If you would like to talk to someone, please contact Family Life South Africa.
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FORGIVING MYSELF AND OTHERS
Good day, My name is Gerda Snyman and I am talking about life after divorce. Last time I talked about putting my focus on God and trusting Him to work everything out for the good.
Today I will talk about forgiveness. One of the most difficult things to do, especially if you are trying to do that on your own. It was only when I put my focus on God, that I could start the process of forgiving. I had to forgive myself for breaking God’s law and making so many mistakes. I didn’t like the person that I became. Then I had to forgive my husband for his part and also some friends that didn’t support me through this difficult time. I wrote them all letters where I could pour out my heart and emotions – I didn’t send them of course, but I could exactly say what I felt. I talked to God about what I wrote – He already knew.
It was only when I put my focus on God, that I could start the process of forgiving. I had to forgive myself for breaking God’s law and making so many mistakes. I didn’t like the person that I became.I was reminded of the parable in Matthew 18 where the forgiven servant threw his debtor in prison. It helped me to see things in perspective and to forgive as I am forgiven. Most of the time I struggled to pray, so I just read the letters to God and told Him, that is how I feel. Other times I read through the Psalms and prayed them back to God asking Him to help me overcome my sadness, emptiness, loneliness and to honestly forgive. He was faithful and helped me. I could forgive and the healing could start.
I realised that forgiveness is not a once off event but a process of willingness to let go and be free. To not hold on to grievances or fall into self-pity. Forgiveness is not instantaneous but takes courage and perseverance in faith and trust that God will lead us through. Now after more than ten years, I sometimes get angry and have to forgive again. By God’s grace and help I am able to forgive and live a full life again.
Next time I will talk about how to live a full life again as a single person.
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Fehlende Folgen?
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FOCUSING ON GOD’S PROMISES
Hello Again! My name is Gerda Snyman and I am talking about life after divorce. Today I will talk about how I dealt with the pain and rejection by focusing on God and his promises.
I was listening to a sermon about the life of Leah and Jacob. Leah felt rejected and was having children in an effort that her husband would see her and love her. It is described in Genesis 29:31-35. When giving birth, she said, “Surely my husband will love me now.” Then “Now my husband will become attached to me”. But after giving birth to Judah, she said “This time I will praise the Lord. Then she stopped having children.” Only when she focused her eyes on the Lord, did she have peace. She didn’t know that Jesus, our Saviour, was to be born from the tribe of Judah. God will work out everything for the good of those who love Him, according to Romans 8:28.
ROMANS 8:28And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who[a] have been called according to his purpose.His promise is still true today and that was what I focused on. I had to trust Him to lead me through the rejection, pain and hurt that I thought would never end. I had to find peace in Him and in his Word. I had to trust God that He will work this out for my good. I couldn’t see it at the time either. I couldn’t see a future for myself in ministry or how I should proceed with my life. The rejection, shame and stigma of being divorced was overbearing and the gossiping I heard did not help at all. But God showed me that I was loved by Him. He took my pain and shame upon Himself on the cross. It took some time, but I rested in that.
Only after some years, could I see how He worked it out for the good. I came closer to Him over time and trusted Him more to fend for me like a husband would. I know He is all and in all.
Next time I will talk about the process of forgiveness and healing.
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A LIFESTYLE OF UNFULFILLING LOVE RELATIONSHIPS
Good Day, My name is Gerda Snyman. Some time ago I shared my story with you on how I received Christ as my Saviour.
I talked about how I took control of my life and for many years was caught up in a lifestyle of unfulfilling love relationships. I was trying to find my worth in being with the “in” crowd and in being engaged or married…belonging to someone. Until I met Jesus Christ.
Today I will talk about the lessons I learnt as the first in a four part series of how I survived a divorce and grew closer to God.
Become friends, pay attention to the warning signs and red flags like being argumentative, controlling, selfish, pressing for sex etc.After about 10 years of being single and celibate, living a very contented life, I met someone at church. He joined our small group and we started dating. He seemed to be a mature Christian and a true follower of Christ. Someone even said “he really seems to be sorted out”. But we didn’t get to know each other and we got married about four months after we met.
In hind sight, we were too hasty to get married. We were both in our forty’s and didn’t want to wait too long. But I really didn’t know the person I married. I wasn’t being realistic about the relationship. We were spiritualising everything – how we met, how God brought us together, how our lives connected, that we are meant for each other etc.
The lessons I have learnt for marriage, is to get to know each other really well. Become friends, pay attention to the warning signs and red flags like being argumentative, controlling, selfish, pressing for sex etc. Introduce the person to your friends and family and listen to their comments. Be careful to spiritualise things and to justify feelings and events from the Bible. Use your common sense. Although as Christians we need to trust God for a partner, we should be sober and clear headed in our choices. Being in love blinds us and it is difficult to see the facts.
Next time I will talk about how God lead me through the pain of divorce and starting the forgiveness process.
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FINAL THROUGHTS
This is our sixth and final podcast on stepfamilies. We have barely touched the surface, but hopefully we have raised awareness of the need to prepare. I will bullet point a few final thoughts and maybe we will revisit some of these points in future podcasts.
Maintaining marital unity is primary. Lower expectations so they are realistic. Stepsiblings are not biologically related. It is important to maintain standards of modesty in the home so there are no temptations. Be aware of possible attraction with stepchildren and expect them to behave appropriately. As much as possible, make changes slowly. Try to allow everyone to adjust to a few changes before introducing new ones. Sometimes not only birth order changes but also roles of children change. It impacts children even if they are not aware of it. Children miss the role they played with their biological parent before the remarriage. As much as possible maintain a cordial relationship with an ex so children don’t have to take sides. Don’t badmouth your ex or their new partner and allow your children to like the stepparent married to your ex so they don’t struggle with loyalties. Always extend grace, even when life isn’t fair. Focus on what’s best for the children rather than on trying to achieve fairness for yourself. Seek to grow in your stepfamily. Read books, attend courses and look for a mentor stepfamily couple to encourage and guide you in your family.For more resources check out familylifeblended.com
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WHAT ABOUT DISCIPLINE?
In the early days we recommend that the biological parent is the primary one to correct and discipline children. The stepparent hasn’t really earned the right to that position yet. It’s important for the parents to privately discuss discipline in the home, just like nuclear parents must. They need to agree on what is appropriate behaviour and age-appropriate discipline. Parents must present a united front, so children are not able to manipulate and divide the parents. Once you agree as a couple, the primary discipline is administered by the biological parent. This authority may change slowly over time but should never be assumed by a stepparent.
The goal is not a power struggle between stepparent and stepchild, but rather focusing on building a relationship of trust. Don’t be impatient because building trust can take years.The exception is if the bio parent is not present. Then, just as a teacher in school has authority for children in their class, the stepparent can step in and correct the stepchild. The stepparent’s authority in this situation should be communicated by the biological parent in advance and reinforced when necessary. This is not an opportunity for the stepparent to be harsh and finally have control. A stepparent’s discipline should rather err on the side of restraint, exercising just enough authority to maintain respect or safety of other children. Disrespect should never be accepted.
Children are more likely to respond to a stepparent’s authority if they feel they can trust the stepparent has their best interest at heart. An important way to build this trust is to show interest in something the child is interested in and actively listen when the child is speaking.
The goal is not a power struggle between stepparent and stepchild, but rather focusing on building a relationship of trust. Don’t be impatient because building trust can take years.
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LET THE CHILDREN SET THE PACE
I want to begin today’s podcast with a word of caution – don’t expect to have an ‘instant family’. All the couples with whom we have met expect their children to be just as excited about the new relationship as they are. Parents move faster than the children and we find that couples in love assume the children will automatically be in love with their partner and embrace them as a new parent. They are surprised when this doesn’t happen. Statistics show that stepfamilies can take up to seven years to ‘gel’ so adjust your expectations of everyone involved. Sometimes children can be excited BEFORE the marriage, but they can lose some enthusiasm afterwards, when the newness wears off, and they experience daily living with this new parent and possible stepsiblings. Be prepared for this to happen.
For most children the remarriage was not THEIR choice. It may be a secondary loss if their biological parent is still alive because they usually have hopes that their bio parents will remarry.For most children the remarriage was not THEIR choice. It may be a secondary loss if their biological parent is still alive because they usually have hopes that their bio parents will remarry. The stepparent represents the death of that dream and the children may begin to see the stepparent as the enemy.
Recognise that sometimes a child’s anger is really an expression of grief and loss. Allow them time to process that loss and adjust to the new relationship.
PROACTIVELY PLAN FAMILY ACTIVITIESDon’t demand children call the stepparent mom or dad and don’t even force them to spend time together if they don’t want to. But you should expect them to respect the stepparent even if they don’t want to spend time with them. Proactively plan family activities, whether it is a game and pizza night, or a picnic – whatever suits your family – where they can spend fun time with the stepparent in an environment without pressure and expectations.
Our advice is to slow down and let the children set the pace. A wise parent will even delay a remarriage until the children are more amenable to the relationship. It will save a lot of heartache and stress in the long run.
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WHAT ABOUT ADULT CHILDREN IN STEPFAMILIES?
In my husband Ken’ experience, his dad died when he and his sister were already living independently. Ken’s mom remarried a widower 1 ½ years later and her new husband, Tom, had 3 independent children.
Tom moved in with Ken’s mom into her home, so his children lost their family home and they never felt her house was home. Holidays became very strained when all the adult children were together and they had to spend time with stepsiblings, practicing new traditions, when all they really wanted was to spend time with their biological family and follow long established family traditions. Eventually, Tom’s children quit coming for holidays and seldom came ‘home’.
When it came to assets, Ken’s mom and Tom were specific with items in their wills, but even so, when Tom died there was misunderstanding and bitterness about a few assets he had acquired after he married Ken’s mom.
Whether a parent remarries when children are still in the home, or if they are adults, issues of traditions and inheritance need to be addressed. If the children are old enough, bring them into the discussions. Emotions may be less heightened if this is done before marriage.In my case, my uncle was a widower and remarried a widow when he was in his early 80’s. His girlfriend was dependent on her late husband’s pension. The moment she remarried, she would lose that income. She was younger than my uncle so he knew it was probable she would outlive him. I can remember him sharing how he couldn’t ask her to marry him unless he made sure she would be taken care of financially after his death, but that meant his children and grandchildren would lose some of their inheritance. He consulted his adult children about that before he would even propose.
SOME QUICK SUGGESTIONSMake changes slowly. It’s ok early in the relationship to celebrate holidays as separate families with your own traditions. Over time you may find you can bring families together and even creatively observe each family’s traditions.
Whether a parent remarries when children are still in the home, or if they are adults, issues of traditions and inheritance need to be addressed. If the children are old enough, bring them into the discussions. Emotions may be less heightened if this is done before marriage.
In his book, The Smart Stepfamily, Ron Deal has a brilliant section he co-authored with a financial expert that covers many aspects of assets and inheritance. Our advice is that you consult a Certified Financial Planner, who specialises in families, to be sure you have considered all the aspects of inheritance and money matters – preferably before marriage.
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Today I will address some of the complexities that exist in stepfamilies and future podcasts will address solutions.
COMPLEXITIESOne of the complexities of stepfamily living is the number of parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins and even stepsiblings that a child now has in their life. These numbers will vary depending on how many times their parents have been married.
If children are being brought into the family from both parents, then at least one child is going to lose their position as first born. Other children must fit into a different birth order structure as well and something as ‘simple’ as a new birth order can create tension and conflict.
At least one of the families in the new relationship will have to move houses, or even towns. This means children may have to leave their friends and support network behind and they may have to adjust to a new school. Children usually face different routines and rules when they move between homes.
One of the complexities of stepfamily living is the number of parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins and even stepsiblings that a child now has in their life.Biological parents lose control over what their children are exposed to in the other home. There may be bullying from stepsiblings, or even rejection from the stepparent and not being treated as an equal with the stepparent’s biological children. There is a lot more coordination that is required regarding schedules of the children. There can be hostile communication with an ex-spouse and sometimes the child is used as a pawn to get revenge on a biological parent.
We mostly focus on families with young children in the home, but even when children are adults, living independently, stepfamilies have challenges. I will share two personal stories in a future podcast.
This all sounds rather bleak, but there is hope. Just being aware that these complexities exist can help parents to be proactive and plan to minimise the difficulties.
Our next podcast will start to address solutions to the complexities that exist.
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APPROACHING STEPFAMILY LIVING WITH EYES WIDE OPEN
Welcome to our podcast on stepfamily living. If you are listening to this podcast you are either in a stepfamily, planning to enter a stepfamily or you know of a stepfamily. So, it’s important to understand that stepfamilies have unique challenges and complications that are not part of the culture of nuclear families. My husband and I have found that new stepparents seem to be totally unprepared and surprised when they begin to encounter these complexities.
Stepfamilies are built on brokenness and loss – either through death or divorce. Every couple has their own unique story.
STEPFAMILIES ARE BUILT ON BROKENNESS AND LOSSStepfamilies are built on brokenness and loss – either through death or divorce. Every couple has their own unique story. Once biological parents remarry, it’s a secondary loss for the children and sometimes they can become resistant. Resistant children can sabotage the new relationship.
So, if you are in a dating relationship that will blend families, just a word of caution – SLOW DOWN. It’s easier on the children if you stay single while they are young.
Sadly, statistics show that secondary marriages have a much higher risk of divorce than first marriages. One way to minimise that risk is to be informed and invest time and energy to learn how to make your stepfamily a success story.
In the next few podcasts, we will look at some of the complexities and how you can navigate them.
I want to acknowledge the resources from Ron Deal who is a worldwide leader in stepfamilies. He conducts extensive research and has counselled stepfamilies for almost 30 years. He is the author, and co-author, of many books, and he regularly hosts seminars with stepfamilies and other experts in the field. For more resources you can check out FamilyLife Blended.
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GOD BLESSES US TO BE A BLESSING TO OTHERS
Building a legacy of destiny requires reaching out to the world and results in bringing about changes in the world.
The family was meant to be a redemptive vehicle. God blesses us to be a blessing to others.
One of God’s primary purposes for your family is to make Christ known and to help fulfil the Great Commission.
In Matthew 28:19, 20 we find the greatest commission ever given by the greatest Person who ever lived. Jesus’ last instruction to His disciples and to the entire body of believers through the ages up to now still is:
Go therefore and make disciples of all nations,... ,teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you. And surely I am with you always to the very end of the age.This is the command given to every Christian and every family.
The reality of Christ in your life and your family gives credibility to your witness.
As you teach your children and others, your legacy will spread throughout the world.
We have choices about many things in life, but not about whether we will die or not and also not about whether to leave a legacy or not.
The only question is, what kind of legacy is it going to be?
The three commitments we discussed, namely to grow in Christ, to build a godly family and to help fulfill the Great Commission will require time. I can well imagine that all of us have at some time or another used the phrase or at least thought: ‘I don’t have time’ for this or that. But that phrase is never a statement of fact. It is always a declaration of priorities.
Please plan to intentionally be involved in all three the commitments we discussed.
We want to encourage you not to be satisfied with a saved soul and a wasted life.
Thank you and God bless you and your family as you participate in the fulfilling of the Great Commission!
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BUILDING A GOD HONORING AND FUTURE IMPACTING LEGACY
Building a God honoring and future impacting legacy of destiny also requires developing a godly family.
After church little Johnny sobbed all the way home. His father and mother asked him what was wrong, but he would not say. Eventually he came out with what it was. He said that the pastor said that he wanted the children to grow up in godly homes, but Johnny said, ‘I want to stay with you guys!’
Well, do your children know for a fact that they are being brought up in a home where Christian values are being taught and modelled?
The family is God’s smallest battle formation. It is not supposed to be a holy huddle, but rather a safe place to retreat to, to be refreshed and built up from where to go out from and be salt and light in a mixed up and desperate world.God’s plan for a fulfilling marriage and strategic family is in opposition to the world’s plan. The world’s plan focusses on self-gratification and self-promotion where spouses inevitably drift apart and ultimately find themselves in the very disillusioned position of isolation.
God’s plan for marriage focusses on glorifying God and building oneness through the power of the Holy Spirit. The result is peace and harmony and growing ONENESS. Children are trained to face a dangerous world out there.
Remember: Your family influences future generations!
Dietrich Bonhoeffer said: “The righteous man lives for the next generations.”
Henry Drummond said: “The Christian family is the supreme conductor of Christianity.”
A happy family is not an end in itself!
Let us adopt this transcendent view when it comes to the family.
Leave your family an honorable legacy, not merely an inheritance.
At our last session we will look at the greatest commission ever given by the greatest Person who ever lived.
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PURSUING PERSONAL GROWTH IN CHRIST.
Building a legacy of destiny, in the first place, requires pursuing personal growth in Christ.
To raise a godly family, starts with my being a godly husband and father or a godly wife and mother.
Spiritual maturity does not come naturally. It takes a decision of the will to want to grow and then a lot of consistent dedication.
Teachability is crucial! A person’s teachability determines his capacity to learn!
A God honoring character should be our aim. D L Moody said: If I take care of my character, my reputation will take care of itself!
ROMANS 12:1, 2 (NIV)Therefore, I urge you, brothers and sisters, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God - this is your true and proper worship. Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is - his good, pleasing and perfect will.In Rom 12:1 and 2 we are encouraged to be transformed by the renewing of our minds in order to know what God’s good and perfect will is. We have to read and study God’s Word!
As we pursue growing towards Christlikeness, we should be prepared to face a variety of obstacles and challenges.
You must be prepared to persist through discouragement when there is a lack of appreciation in spite of your efforts to do what is right. There is no worthwhile alternative for doing the right thing. There are always alternatives, but they come at an unacceptable price.
Remember, we don’t get the marriage we wish for. We get the marriage we work for!
Also remember, God will honor your faithfulness.
“His master said to him: ‘Well done, good and faithful slave; you were faithful with a few things, I will put you in charge of many things; enter into the joy of your master.” – Matthew 25:23.
Faithfulness is a sign of good character – Godly character.
Next time we will consider the commitment to love one another.
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BUILDING A LEGACY OF DESTINY
At the end of this very short introduction to the Weekend to Remember, we would like you to think about the kind of legacy that you will leave behind when one day you step out of this world to be with God.
We would like to help you grasp a vision and encourage you to dream and plan a legacy of destiny. A legacy that would count for God.
A legacy that would build and strengthen the only kingdom that will outlast time, God’s kingdom.Look ahead, down the road of time, and consider who you are influencing with your life and how you are influencing them.
Don’t focus on the past, on everything you lacked and all that was wrong. None of us comes from a perfect past.
The legacy you will leave behind is of much greater importance than the one you received, and this legacy you leave behind is the only one you are responsible for.
Building a legacy of destiny requires three levels of commitment:
Firstly, a commitment to personal growth in Christ.
No one drifts towards spiritual maturity. A life lived intentionally under the control of the Holy Spirit, results in growing spiritual maturity.
Secondly, a commitment to love one another.
Without a disposition of love towards others, especially your spouse, you have no credible testimony, especially not towards your children whom you want to influence for the rest of their lives!
Thirdly, a commitment to help reach the world.
In Mt 28:19 and 20 we find Jesus’ Great Commission, our marching orders to go make disciples of all nations.
So, at our next meeting we will consider the first of these three commitments, our responsibility to grow in Christ.
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IN CLOSING
In closing the sessions on Returning a Blessing for an Insult let us return to the Bible verses with which we started this series.
“Finally, all of you, have unity of mind, sympathy, brotherly love, a tender heart, and a humble mind. DO NOT REPAY evil for evil or reviling for reviling, but on the contrary, BLESS, for to this you were called, that you may obtain a blessing.” - 1 PETER 3:8-9I Peter 3 starts with the word ‘likewise’ which refers to 1 Peter 2:21, 22: “For to this you have been called, because Christ also suffered for you, leaving you an example, so that you might follow in His steps. He committed no sin, neither was deceit found in his mouth. When He was reviled, he did not revile in return; when He suffered, he did not threaten, but continued entrusting himself to Him who judges justly.”
Marriage affords us ample opportunities to react either with an insult for insult or a blessing for an insult. To choose consistently to give a blessing instead of an insult we need to have Christ in control of our lives. The longer we have Christ directing our lives and marriages through the power of the Holy Spirit, the easier it will become to choose Christ’s way.
You could pray with me now, if you so desire, to ask Christ to take control of your life:
"Dear Father, I need you. I acknowledge that I have sinned against you by directing my own life. I thank You that You have forgiven my sins through Christ’s death on the cross for me. I now invite Christ to again take His place on the throne of my life. Fill me with the Holy Spirit as You commanded me to be filled and as You promised in your Word that You would do if I asked in faith. I pray this in the name of Jesus. I now thank you for filling me with the Holy Spirit and directing my life.” AmenThis is a prayer we could pray every time we act contrary to Christ’s example, which can mean several times daily.
For more information on this subject contact contact [email protected]
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THERE NEEDS TO BE FORGIVENESS
To be able to return a blessing for an insult there needs to be forgiveness. An unforgiving and hardened heart cannot give a blessing for an insult.
We cannot talk about forgiveness without going to Jesus on the Cross. God accepted the Cross to make forgiveness possible and to model forgiving to an unforgiving world. The Christ of the Cross is our great example. Do you know Him? Have you experienced His forgiveness?
“Finally, all of you, have unity of mind, sympathy, brotherly love, a tender heart, and a humble mind. DO NOT REPAY evil for evil or reviling for reviling, but on the contrary, BLESS, for to this you were called, that you may obtain a blessing.” - 1 PETER 3:8-9We can only forgive others who have hurt or injured us by word or deed when we forgive one another as God in Christ has forgiven us.
Forgiveness is only finally complete when the severed friendship has been mended and returning a blessing for an insult can be an important step on the road to reconciliation.
We are powerless to change another person, but by giving a blessing for an insult we can influence one towards a softening of heart which can ultimately lead to reconciliation.
If you do not have a personal relationship with Jesus Christ, the One who died for your sins to be forgiven so that you can forgive, please pray the following prayer with me:
“Dear Lord Jesus, I want to be in a personal relationship with You. Thank you for forgiving my sins by dying on the Cross for me. Please come into my life and make me the person you would like me to be. Empower me to forgive others like you have forgiven me. Thank you, Jesus. Amen."For more information on this subject contact [email protected]
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Good day. Last week’s session was rather negative, but today we are all about building up one another by giving a blessing for an insult.
WHAT DOES A BLESSING-FOR-INSULT RELATIONSHIP LOOK LIKE?A good example I can think of concerns a friend of mine, let us call her Sally.
Sally went through a painful divorce during 2020. Because of circumstances she and her ex-husband still share the same large home they own. Sally decided to give a blessing for an insult. The insults that came her way were many and painful, yet she acted with a blessing for an insult.
Her husband was on medical treatment that had an extremely negative effect on him, so much so that he was in very bad shape especially the day after the treatment. Sally would get up at night, put cold cloths on his forehead and would even sleep on the carpet next to his bed to be close when he needed help.
“Finally, all of you, have unity of mind, sympathy, brotherly love, a tender heart, and a humble mind. DO NOT REPAY evil for evil or reviling for reviling, but on the contrary, BLESS, for to this you were called, that you may obtain a blessing.” - 1 PETER 3:8-9Because Sally felt things were now supposed to move to a conclusion, she asked her ex when he thought they should sell their home so each could go their own way. To her surprise he said to her he thinks he made too hasty a decision. Sally gave blessings for insults.
Certainly the very best example of a blessing for an insult is that of our Lord Jesus, who, when He hung on the cross could say“Father, forgive them for they know not what they do.”
In part 3 we will discuss why forgiveness is necessary and how it is possible to forgive pain and insults. May God bless you during the week.
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Greetings to you. This is the 4th chapter on Resolving Conflict. In the next three weeks, we will discuss what we mean by ‘returning a blessing for an insult’ and how we can apply it. We will concentrate on cultivating a new attitude with our husband or wife.
WHAT DOES AN INSULT-FOR-INSULT RELATIONSHIP LOOK LIKE?An example of an insult-for-insult relationship is the classic relationship between British Prime Minister, Sir Winston Churchill, and Lady Nancy Astor, the first female member of Parliament. They were both known for their quick tongues and their dislike for one another. Lady Astor on one occasion said to Churchill, ‘Sir Winston if I were married to you, I would put arsenic in your tea!” To which Churchill replied, “Lady Astor, if I was married to you, I would drink it.”
One can only imagine what a marriage relationship would look like when two people speak to one another in this vein, and this insult-for-insult relationship happens far too often in many homes.
1 PETER 3:8-9 - “Finally, all of you, have unity of mind, sympathy, brotherly love, a tender heart, and a humble mind. DO NOT REPAY evil for evil or reviling for reviling, but on the contrary, BLESS, for to this you were called, that you may obtain a blessing.”I am sure you will agree that life and marriage will be special and fulfilling if we could have this attitude in our marriage relationship.
Next week we will discuss how we can have unity of mind, sympathy, brotherly love, a tender heart, and a humble mind in our marriage relationship. Giving a blessing for an insult.
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SATISFYING SEX, THE SECRET?
Today we end our talks on sexual intimacy by sharing the secret to satisfying sex. And no, there is no 10 steps or 5 to do’s that will change your sex life but, there is a liberating truth; ‘if we pursue a satisfying marriage relationship, we will enjoy a satisfying sex life!’
There is no 10 steps or 5 to do's that will change your sex life but, there is a liberating truth; 'if we pursue a satisfying marriage relationship, we will enjoy a satisfying sex life!'Marriage prospers when a couple’s focus is on good, and solid, and authentic values.
So, what do we value in our marriages?
COMPANIONSHIPSong of Songs simply states; ‘…he is my lover, my friend…’ – Song of Songs 5:16. It is about communication, sharing, and listening. It is about spending time together and enjoying the things you both love – as if it is the first date again. It is about tenderness, expressing affection, showing love without sex.
Be friends and then be lovers!
COMMITMENTSong of Songs says, ‘Place me like a seal over your heart … for love is as strong as death‘ – Song of Songs 8:6. Be faithful, constantly reaffirm your covenant, build trust, develop healthy attitudes towards your spouse and towards sex. It is about respect and forgiveness.
It is about choosing to live life together in the power of blessing!
PASSIONSong of Songs says, ‘You have captured my heart … your love delights me, my treasure … your love is better than wine … your lips as sweet as nectar … honey and milk are under your tongue …!’ – Song of Songs 4:9-11.
Be fun, be explosive, be playful and be passionate!
Remember – companionship together with commitment and passion create an environment where your sexual relationship can flourish.
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SEX, ARE MEN FROM MARS AND WOMEN FROM VENUS?
We are still talking about sexual intimacy.
Today’s focus is brilliantly described in the title of John Grey’s well-known book – ‘Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus’. In today’s world, a trend is to claim that men and women are the same, but this is not true – yes, we are equal but definitely not the same!
We constantly observe differences in men’s and women’s attitudes, needs and responses. This confirms the Scripture that declares that God created us ‘male’ and ‘female’. We are different and distinct, and this is also true when it comes to sex! Understanding these differences is foundational in developing a healthy, mutual satisfying sex life.
So God created mankind in his own image, in the image of God he created them; male and female he created them.
GENESIS 1:27 (NIV)When it comes to sex, we commonly observe differences between men and women in various areas.
For example – our attitudes towards sex, for men sex is a high priority and it’s physical, for women other priorities are higher and therefore sex is relational.
Stimulation for men is body-centred (what they see, smell and do is important) but women are person-centred so they focus on touch, attitudes and words.
Men want to feel that they are needed physically but women want to feel that they are needed emotionally.
For men it is anytime, anywhere and orgasms are shorter and intense, while women need time, build-up and orgasms are longer, more in-depth.
It is important to take note of this – but these differences are not concrete facts, there is no ‘ought to be‘.
Use this knowledge in your marriage to understand each another better – but enjoy the fact that you are a unique couple, and you are God’s perfect gift to one another.
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