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Today weâre discussing two questions sent in from a mom, and we suspect that most parents can relate to the first oneâhow do we deal with the eye rolls, sighs, and other âjunk behaviorsâ that can accompany the tween and teen years? We talk about how frustrating interactions often indicate that our kids have reached a new stage of development and how modeling respect teaches them to understand and express themselves better over time. In the second half, we discuss tips for blending an adoptive or foster child into your family. Author Kelle Hampton joins the conversation as we explore ways to foster healthy communication and help kids feel secure, even amid transition.
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In this episode, weâre discussing a question from a mom wondering how to help her husband relate to their tween girl. We talk about dads and daughters and how this question points to an even bigger issueâhow parents can respond to kids who feel different from or even difficult to them. Attachment science points us to two mirroring needsâcomfort and delightâthat we can use to connect to our kids, even when connection feels hard.
Hereâs the questionâ
âMy husband has started struggling with his interactions with our almost 13-year-old daughter. He just cannot relate to her emotions, feelings, and experiences anymore. I would love to know how to help him build a better relationship with her, so he does not continue to struggle.â
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In this episode, weâre discussing a question about a 13-year-old struggling with anxiety. Fortunately, anxiety is one of the most treatable mental health issues to work with, but doing that takes good information to help us face fear head-on. Social anxiety, in particular, can really take hold between the ages of 12 to 14, and we talk about why that is, what to expect, and ways to respond if youâre concerned. Author Kelle Hampton joins us to explore how to help our kids take charge of anxiety rather than let it control and manage them.
Hereâs the question:
"With Covid and the transition into middle school, the past year has been hard on my 13-year-old. He seems to be reluctant to do things he used to enjoy, like getting together with friends or going to soccer practice. I honestly feel stuck, because sometimes when he tells me he doesnât want to do something because heâs feeling anxious, I wonder if heâs exaggerating and just trying to get out of things. And if, in the long run, it would be better for me to try to force him to participate in activities until he feels more comfortable. As a mom, how should I know when to press in and when to back off. And do you have any advice for how to help a kid who seems paralyzed by his fears and anxiety? Especially when he says he doesnât want to go to therapy or learn any coping skills. He tells me he just wants to be left alone."
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Anyone else ever disagree with your partner over a parenting issue? We donât think itâs just us, and weâve seen how these disagreements can cause friction in families. In this episode, we discuss a question from a mom wondering how to move forward when she and her husband see things differently about their daughter and ADHD. Jeffrey shares strategies he uses in the therapy office to get couples back to connection, and we talk about the pros and cons of diagnoses and labels for kids, as well as things to know when considering ADHD.
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The tween and teen years can bring with them unexpected joy, as well as to-be-expected ups and downs. In this episode, we talk about emotions and hormones and three huge transitions happening within the teenage brain. Understanding whatâs going on with our kidsâ bodies really helps all of us! Hereâs the question:
âMy kids are entering middle school this year. My son is 13 going into 7th grade and my daughter is 11 going into 6th grade. And Iâve noticed in the last couple of years that the changes theyâve been going through are reminding me of when they went from infancy to toddlerhood. Thereâs just so many changes and itâs all happening so fast. And Iâm trying to hold this space of curiosity about them, and Iâm wondering the best way to be with them and the best way to usher them through these enormous changes. It sometimes feels overwhelming and sometimes I really donât know what the right next thing is. So, Iâm just curious about your perspective on that.â
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This season, weâre talking about raising tweens and teens, discussing parentsâ questions, and exploring how science and faith come together to point our families to security and connection. Earlier this year, we received a question from a mom wondering how to direct her childâs moral choices. Weâre using her question to kick off this series because we believe the issues she raises are important. In this episode, we talk about the difference between influence and control and discuss how relationship can guide our kidsâ choices more powerfully than rules. We also share why the question's wording prompted us to invite author Kelle Hampton to join us to co-host this series and listen as she shares her wisdom and personal experience.
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All of our relationships with our kids will have moments of pain and disconnection. We build our children's security when we face those disconnections with openness and curiosity so that we can come back together when things feel broken. In this episode, Dr. Jeffrey Olrick and Amy Olrick discuss the concept of repair, and how important it is in building health, resilience, and understanding in our kids. Andrew Hanauer of the One America Movement joins the conversation to discuss practical ways to engage in the essential work of repair. Opening ourselves up to making things right after things have gone wrong not only makes our families strong, but it can bring healing and transformation in our communities as well.
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Painful experiences can be confusing and overwhelming for kids, but we can enter into hard moments in ways that grow them in wisdom and maturity. In this episode, Dr. Jeffrey Olrick and Amy Olrick talk about how to help children process difficult thoughts and feelings and the power of approaching our childrenâs pain with curiosity. Finding ways to share stories about our own tough experiences, even when we donât have everything figured out, offers children perspective and hope. Author, speaker, and communication expert Dr. AndrĂ©s Panasiuk joins the conversation to discuss how to embrace each child's unique way of connecting. His story of seeing God's faithfulness through generations is a testament to how journeying through hard things together can connect and strengthen our kids.
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Comfort is our human need to be seen and held in the midst of our pain. And the research is clear that when we pause to see and sit with our kidsâ suffering without immediately offering solutions, we gradually train their nervous systems to calm themselves down through us. But comfort can be a hard need to meet because when kids are in pain, parents are wired to hurt along with them. Dr. Jeffrey Olrick and Amy Olrick talk about why it is natural to want to dismiss or move quickly past our kidsâ suffering and the strength that develops when we make time for comfort.
Bestselling author and grief expert Claire Bidwell Smith joins the conversation to share insights from her work, including tips about how to enter into our kids' painful experiences. After working with adults who did not have opportunities to process pain in healthy ways growing up, she understands the power of comfort and the long-term benefits of pausing to see and help carry our childrenâs pain.
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We all want to protect our kids from dangerous things, but too much protection can leave our children feeling unsure of themselves and afraid in the world. In this episode, Dr. Jeffrey Olrick and Amy Olrick talk about new ways to consider the real dangers kids face and how opportunities to overcome manageable amounts of trouble can help kids grow strong and reduce anxiety in the long run.
Author D.L. Mayfield and her husband, therapist and author Krispin Mayfield, join the conversation to discuss how they balance the desire for safety with Christ's call to love and engage with our neighbors. Exposing their kids to new things while keeping communication open has helped build their whole family's confidence and resilience.
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We all want our children to be able to go out into the world to discover and learn. But sometimes we give them limits because there are things that can hurt them. And our kids can cause hurt themselves if they don't understand that others have needs just like they do. This week, we discuss how to give our kids healthy boundaries so they can safely grow strong while learning to respect themselves and others.
Author and civil rights activist Valarie Kaur joins the conversation to talk about how she sets boundaries with her kids, ways to respond when kids are melting down, and how modeling respectful boundaries in our homes teaches kids to love others.
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All kids are born into the world with the instinct to learn, explore, and figure things out, which means childhood is full of big bumps and messes! Dr. Jeffrey Olrick and Amy Olrick talk about what healthy support looks like for our kids, and why children grow stronger when we donât overcorrect their mistakes.
Christina and Daniel Im of the IMbetween podcast join the conversation to discuss how understanding their kidsâ need for support has strengthened their family. They share insight from their work and Danielâs book, including how stepping back from over-support helps make Daniel a better video game player with his kids. Thatâs a #parentinggoal we can embrace right now.
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In his work as an attachment researcher, Dr. Jeffrey Olrick has identified six things our kids need as they grow and developâdelight, support, boundaries, protection, comfort, and equipping. In this episode, Jeffrey and Amy Olrick introduce the importance of delight and discuss how faith and science come together to point families to health and connection. Bestselling author Kelle Hampton joins the conversation to talk about how understanding delight can transform our relationship with our kids.
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As parents and families face increasing pressure and mental health strain, Dr. Jeffrey Olrick and Amy Olrick share how science and faith come together to show us that attachment and connection can still grow our kids strong. They offer a guide to build strength and resiliency in our children that will last a lifetime, even through hard times.
In this episode, the Olricks share an overview of attachment science and The 6 Needs Compass they present in their book, The 6 Needs of Every Child: Empowering Parents & Kids through the Science of Connection. Then author and mom of four, Lori Beth Auldridge, joins the conversation to share how the compass has helped move her family forward and draw her children close when they need it.
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Most families deal with bedtime struggles at some point or another. In this episode, we discuss why kids are wired to be scared of the dark and strategies to make going to bed easier for everyone.
At the end of the episode, New Zealand pastor and musician Aaron Hardy joins us to share his story and music from his band, Te Rautini. His music is a gift that weâre thrilled to get to share with you.
Hereâs todayâs question:
"I'm hoping you all might have some advice for us. Every night we battle with our 5-year-daughter about bedtime. We have a routine: we have dinner, she's usually allowed to watch one TV show, then we go brush teeth, get in bed, and we read at least two books. She's happy all the way through that routine. But as soon as we turn out the lights and prepare to leave her room, it's all weeping and gnashing of teeth. She wails that she is scared of the dark. We have two nightlights in there and we leave the hall door open. But that does not calm her down. It's usually so bad that one of us ends up sleeping with her every night because she will wake up screaming if she's alone. She says she is scared of the shadows, but she can't articulate anything else that she might be scared of, just scared of the dark and she does not want to sleep alone. We don't know if we are being manipulated or if she's truly scared of the dark. We want her to be comfortable sleeping on her own. Do you have any tips to make our bedtime experience better?"
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In todayâs episode, a mom wonders how to get her children to help her with chores. We talk about surprising ways to encourage kids to help from young ages, why creating a system where everyone contributes is so important, and how âdoing withâ a great way to grow our kids in responsibility over time.
Donât miss the God Moment at the end from Sam Altis. Itâs a beautiful reminder of Godâs perfect, pursuing love for our kidsâlove that will follow them even when theyâre grown.
Hereâs the question:
Hi, Iâm the mom of 3 kids, ages 3, 7, and 9, and Iâm struggling to know how to get the older ones to do chores. I grew up with a mother who used to yell at me for not doing enough around the house. I donât want my kids to experience that, but I donât want to grow up thinking that they donât have to lift a finger, either. My husband is a loving, playful father, but I donât think he understands or values how much I do to keep everything running. Is there any hope that I can get them to help me without creating a lot of conflicts, or at least stop feeling so resentful?
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This week's question is about a sometimes-too-familiar subject: sibling rivalry. We discuss how to help kids learn to negotiate their differences on their own and the importance of removing yourself from the role of judge. Donât miss the God Moment at the end, when Lindsay Durrenberger shares about a remarkable encounter she had on the night after sheâd been diagnosed with cancer.
Hereâs the question:
"My kids arguing has me at the end of my rope. Theyâre pretty young stillâ5, 7, and 9, and the constant bickering over meaningless things has me wanting to scream. I feel like Iâm always mediating their problems, and Iâm exhausted. I donât have a close relationship with my siblings and itâs something Iâve always wanted for my own kids. How can I help them get along? Is this level of conflict normal, and is there anything I can do to make it better without losing my mind?"
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In this episode, we hear from a mom concerned about her sonâs desire to be a professional YouTuber. We discuss how situations like this can be opportunities and the power of starting conversations with our kids with a mindset of âYes, and.â
Hereâs the question:
I have a son who is very intelligent, creative, capable. He can do anything he sets his mind to do. And when I ask him what he wants to do when he grows up, he says he wants to be a famous YouTuber. Now, Iâm in a conundrum because I want him to believe he can pursue his own profession and walk his own path and take his own journey. I also wonder what the point of being a YouTuber is. And also, how do Youtubers contribute to society? So my question is how do I talk to him so we can have a conversation about making good and fulfilling choices and things that will contribute, but at the same time letting him know that he can make his own choices and itâs not what I dictate and itâs not what I tell him he has to do, because itâs not my life, it will be his life.
For more resources, visit GrowingConnected.com
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In this episode, we consider a question from a mom with a 4-year-old daughter who demands constant attention, discussing how to help manage her little girlâs needs and requests.
Here's the question:
âMy daughter, who is turning 5 in a couple of weeks, is very articulate and emotionally intelligent and consistently communicates to me that sheâs not getting enough attention. She is pretty relentless in advocating for and trying to get her way, and is also rarely satisfied when she does, which I find really challenging. For example, I might play with her for hours and then sheâll have a playdate and then our whole family will do something fun together, and at the end of the day sheâll say, âYou didnât play with me today.â Iâm worried that her needs arenât being met that she is harboring growing resentment and some kind of hurt at our inability to give her what she needs.â
For more resources and discussion questions, visit growingconnected.com
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In this episode of the Growing Connected podcast, we consider a question from a mom who is worried about her young sonâs outbursts of temper. Listen to learn three steps that help children gain control of their big feelings and emotions, and donât miss the beautiful God Moment story from our friend Tony at the end.
Here's the question: âMy 7-year-old child has started saying things like âI hate youâ and âI wish I was deadâ when he is angry and upset. His rage escalates when he's upset, and it scares me. I guess I'm both fearful for him, and honestly, frustrated by his outbursts. Bad interactions with him drain all of my energy and upset his two siblings. I'm worried this behavior will get worse with time and that he will grow up to be someone who canât control his emotions. When do I need to worry that he'll actually hurt himself or others? And what can I do to help him? And all of us?â
For more resources and discussion questions, visit GrowingConnected.com
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