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Raising boys isn’t easy. Living isn’t easy! But with patience, trust, and community support, it’s easier — & more pleasant.
In this wide-ranging conversation, Janet Allison & Jennifer L.W. Fink , the hosts of ON BOYS podcast, discuss the reality of raising boys in 2024.
Takeaways:Nobody has it all figured out.Letting there be room for not knowing is crucial.Learning to tolerate discomfort is part of the process.Trusting the unfolding of our children’s development is essential.You are a different parent than you were a year ago.Boy development is trustworthy and unique to each child.Watch your boys, not the clock; focus on their growth.Look at your kid, not the milestones set by society.Parenting is the greatest personal development course.Let go and let us be your safety net.
Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:Dealing with Change, Anxiety, & Energy (Listener Q & A) — ON BOYS episode
Trust — BuildingBoys blog post
Trust Your Boys — BuildingBoys blog post
Breakthrough Session for Family CoachingSchedule your no-cost call with Janet at https://boysalive.com/call
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Boys need support, not disdain
In June 2024, Andrew Reiner, author of Better Boys, Better Men: The New Masculinity That Creates Greater Courage and Emotional Resiliency, published an article entitled “Our culture’s trashing of boys & men is having toxic consequences.”
In this episode, he and Jen discuss what boys need & we can best support boys.
Takeaways:Boys need support, not disdain.Cultural perceptions of masculinity can be harmful.Media often portrays boys negatively.Boys are falling behind in education.It’s important to understand boys’ emotional needs.Parents and educators play a crucial role.Challenging traditional masculinity is necessary.Creating safe spaces for boys is essential.Engaging boys in education requires new approaches.Researching boys’ experiences is vital for change.
Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:andrewreinerauthor.com –– Andrew’s website
Andrew Reiner: Building Boys’ Mental Health & Resiliency — ON BOYS episode
Better Boys, Better Men: The New Masculinity that Creates Greater Courage and Emotional Resiliency, by Andrew Reiner
The Trouble with Boys Isn’t Boys — article by Andrew
Young, Male, & Adrift — article by Andrew
Boys are Great shop — boy-affirming merch!
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AI — artificial intelligence — is already a big part of our everyday lives.
We rely on it to help us get from one place to another. (GPS directions, anyone?) We use it to polish our prose. (Spell check and Grammarly, for instance.) Customer service chatbots and product recommendations based on previous purchases — all of these are built on AI.
The public release of ChatGPT, a AI system that using natural language processing, has accelerated the use of AI in modern life. Students routinely use it for school work — to dismay of some teachers. As AI becomes more integrated into the tools and technologies we use every day, understanding how it works—and how to use it responsibly—is becoming essential for both adults and children.
(AI, in fact, helped me rewrite that last sentence. Initially, it said, “Understanding AI & how to use it ethically is quickly becoming a necessary skill.)
In this episode, we talk with Angela Radcliffe, a mom of two, clinical research expert, and AI enthusiast who created Quantum Kids, Guardians of AI: Story Quest and Activity Book to help kids (and their parents) understand ethical uses of AI.
Takeaways:AI is rapidly evolving and impacting how children learn.Writing with AI can enhance creativity but requires careful guidance.Ethics in AI usage is crucial for responsible parenting.AI should be treated as a peer to foster collaboration.Teaching kindness and responsibility is essential in the age of AI.New ways of thinking may emerge from AI’s influence on education.Parents should actively engage with AI to understand its capabilities.Practical, fun uses of AI can help demystify the technology for families.Transparency and trust are vital in navigating AI’s impact.AI can be a valuable tool for enhancing everyday tasks and creativity.
Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:Quantum Kids, Guardians of AI: Story Quest and Activity Book, created by Angela Radcliffe
What Teachers Told Me About AI in School
Teens Using AI to Create Deepfakes of Classmates Prompts New Bill
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Young Black men and boys remain the most vulnerable student population in U.S. schools.
That’s why David Kirkland, founder & CEO of forwardED, is asking educators to “put a deliberate focus on Black boys” this year – to uplift Black boys, of course, but also because research shows that addressing the needs of our most vulnerable populations helps ALL.
“It’s not that Black males fail. It’s that we fail Black males,” David says. “it’s important for us to reframe that focus so we can understand what we can do better.”
Takeaways:Black boys are the most vulnerable student population in U.S. schools, facing persistent disparities in academic achievement and discipline.The education system is failing Black boys, and the framing of the issue needs to shift from blaming Black males to recognizing that the system fails them.A comprehensive approach is needed, including funding, culturally responsive education, policy changes, and a shift in mindset and practices.Addressing the needs of Black boys will benefit all students and lead to better outcomes in the education system.
Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:www.forward-ed.com/
Reclaiming Possibliity: An Intentional Focus on Black Boys This School Year — article by David
Can We Talk? A Critical Examination of Cellphone Bans in Schools — article by David
Black Boys Matter — ON BOYS episode
Supporting Black Boys Mental Health (w Chandra White-Cummings) — ON BOYS episode
Boys in School Task Force — ON BOYS episode
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Stop, drop, grow, and glow?
That’s Holly Swenson’s advice to parents. Swenson, a RN-turned-writer and mom of 4 boys (currently ages 10, 13, 15, & 15) was approximately seven years into parenting when she realized that “when you are taking care of yourself, you’re better able to take care of everyone in her life.”
She & Jen talk about her book, Stop, Drop, Grow, & Glow: Forming Deeper & More Joyful Connections with Yourself & Your Children.
Takeaways:Self-awareness and self-care are essential for effective parenting.Balancing the needs and interests of multiple children requires intentionality and mindfulness.Reacting to situations can be counterproductive, while responding thoughtfully fosters deeper connections.Parenting is a journey of personal growth and self-improvement.The Stop, Drop, Grow, and Glow method encourages reflection, letting go of past experiences, cultivating growth and self-awareness, and embracing joy and gratitude. Self-care is essential for parents to show up as their best selves for their children.Children can be a catalyst for personal growth and healing for parents.Finding time for self-care may require creativity and microdosing self-care throughout the day.Water, such as taking a shower or bath, can be grounding and energizing for parents.Maintaining a sense of humor and lightness can help navigate the challenges of parenting.Prioritizing self-care and personal growth is an ongoing process that requires intention and discipline.
Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:Stop, Drop, Grow, & Glow: Forming Deeper & More Joyful Connections with Yourself & Your Children, by Holly Swenson
liveyourglow.live — Holly’s website
Mom is in Control with Heather Chauvin — ON BOYS episode
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Kids can thrive at any size, says Jill Castle, a pediatric dietician, parent, and author of Kids Thrive at Any Size: How to Nourish Your Big, Small, or In-Between Child for a Lifetime of Health & Happiness.
Takeaways:Feeding kids in a healthy way can be challenging, but it’s important to raise children of all sizes to be physically healthy and emotionally well.Family culture plays a significant role in shaping children’s attitudes towards food and body size.Body neutrality focuses on the functionality of the body rather than its appearance, promoting acceptance and self-love.Growth charts are a tool for tracking a child’s growth over time, but they should not be used to define a child’s health or worthiness.Parents can advocate for their children by addressing biases and stigma related to body size, both within the extended family and in healthcare settings.Creating a positive meal environment and supporting children’s individual appetites can help build healthy eating habits.Parents should prioritize sleep, as it plays a crucial role in children’s growth and appetite regulation.Health should be measured by factors beyond weight, such as blood pressure, respiratory rate, and cardiovascular fitness.
Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:jillcastle.com — Jill’s website
Kids Thrive at Any Size: How to Nourish Your Big, Small, or In-Between Child for a Lifetime of Health & Happiness — Jill’s latest book
The Nourished Child — Jill’s podcast
Picky Eaters, Family Meals, & Nutrition — ON BOYS episode
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How can parents overcome their fears and worries so they can say YES to their boys’ interests and passions?
That’s the question we discuss with Heather Sponholz, a “boy mom” who’s said yes to her teenage sons’ solo National Parks trips, MMA fighting, and ambitious Christmas lights project.
Takeaways:Navigating the balance between freedom and safety for teenagers can be challenging for parents.Allowing teenagers to take solo trips can help them develop independence and learn important life skills.Trusting in your child’s ability to navigate challenges and make responsible decisions is essential.Supporting teenagers in pursuing their passions and interests can have a positive impact on their personal growth. Supporting and nurturing boys’ passions and interests is important for their personal growth and development.Parents should overcome their fears and worries and allow their children to pursue activities that they are passionate about.Community support and mentorship can play a crucial role in helping boys pursue their interests.Parents should prioritize their children’s passions and provide them with the necessary resources and opportunities to explore and excel in their chosen fields.Allowing boys to face challenges and learn from their experiences helps them develop problem-solving skills and resilience.
Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:Encouraging Independence — ON BOYS episode
Autonomy-Supportive Parenting — ON BOYS episode
Step In or Step Back? — ON BOYS episode
Age 16 & Learning to Let Go — BuildingBoys post
Sponsor Spotlight: LumenUnderstand your metabolism! Go to lumen.me/ONBOYS to save 15% on Lumen
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SheKnows’ “Be a Man” project is an “exploration of what it means to be a man today,” says Erika Janes, a “boy mom” and SheKnows editor-in-chief.
Importantly, the project includes teen boys and gives them an opportunity to share their thoughts about manhood and masculinity. Perhaps unsurprisingly, the boys’ responses reflect our still-evolving understanding of gender. Crying, for instance, is still seen as a term with strongly feminine connotations, “but almost every boy we talked to said that they did cry,” Janes says. “They still feel like there’s a stigma to boys and men crying, but for the most part, almost of all of them said, ‘I cry at times.'”
Boys, she says, “still get so many messages about traditional masculinity — ‘don’t cry, be strong, be a man.’ But they need to be allowed to express healthy emotion, to express vulnerability, to be able to cry and express sadness. We need to understand and accept that teen boys have all the same emotions as teen girls and that it’s healthier if they have outlets to express them.”
Takeaways:The Be A Man project on She Knows provides a comprehensive look into the lives of teen boys, covering topics such as masculinity, mental health, and social media.It is important to include and listen to teen boys in conversations about their experiences and perspectives.Parents of boys may face challenges in understanding and raising boys, but it is important to provide support and guidance.The project aims to provide advice and resources for parents navigating these topics with their teen boys.
Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:We Asked 4 Teen Boys to Test New Fall Fragrances – Here’s What They Said – SheKnows article
The Response to Tim Walz’s Son’s Proud Tears at the DNC is a Telling Look at Masculinity & Emotion — SheKnows article
How Teen Boys View Male Celebrities & Masculinity, from Ryan Reynolds to Timothee Chalamet — SheKNow article
Gender Equality, Boys, & Men — ON BOYS episode featuring Richard V. Reeves
BoyMom Ruth Whippman on Reimaging Boyhood — ON BOYS episode
Dr. Niobe Way on Reimagining Boys — ON BOYS episode
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What is the goal of youth sports?
It seems like an obvious question with an obvious answer. Isn’t the goal to provide kids with an opportunity to play sports? And to develop skills, teamwork, and camaraderie along the way?
Historically, those were indeed the goals of youth sport. Many parents & kids still pursue those goals. But some parents & players have other goals: A scholarship. College admission. The youth sports industry also has a goal: To make money.
Pay-to-PlayMany of today’s youth sports team use a pay-to-play model: parents pay (often exorbitant amounts) for their kids to play. Some youth sports organizations frame this cost as an “investment” and mention ROI — return on investment — on their websites. The required investment isn’t only financial; parents & families now invest a lot of time into sports practices, games, & tournaments.
“What used to be very much a youth-driven activity has changed into more of an adult-driven model,” says Jean Linscott, co-author of What is the Goal?: The Truth About the Youth Sports Industry. And because the adults have invested so much, they have an incentive to keep kids playing. This, Jean says, “is an enormous difference from playing for fun and playing for the love of the game.”
The first thing young parents should understand, if they’re considering signing a child up for a pay-to-play team, is that “this is a lifestyle choice,” says Kenneth Ruoff, Jean’s husband & co-author. “They should be putting aside 40 weekends a year for the next 10 years if you stick with pay-to-play sports through the high school years.”
Sadly, there’s no strong evidence to suggest that this investment of time & money is beneficial to most families or athletes. “We talked to a lot of the top coaches in Oregon and they basically burst out laughing when we asked them if travel tournaments had any role in player development,” Ken says. “They said, ‘No, it’s ridiculous; they have no role, especially at the younger ages.’ So all that money that is being spent on travel tournaments is playing no role in developing the kids as athletes.”
The Unacknowledged Costs of Youth SportsBecause of the tremendous costs associated with many youth sports teams, many kids do not have an opportunity to play or participate. And many children who do play experience physical and mental injuries, in part because they begin playing so young and often play year-’round.
“The impact of this model means that there are big problems with overuse injuries and burnout,” Jean says.”Early specialization in sports is disastrous for the bodies and minds of children,” Ken adds.
Unfortunately, in many places, there aren’t viable alternatives to the current pay-to-play youth sports model. Rec teams have faded or disappeared due to lack of funding and coaches. School teams may or may not be an option – but in many places, if a young athlete doesn’t also play on a travel team, they have little chance of earning a spot on a school team.
Questions to Ask Before Signing for a Travel TeamBefore signing your child up for a pay-to-play, elite, or travel team, Jean says you should ask these “important, tough” questions:
Do you track injury rates? What types of injuries are most common?Do you conduct exit interviews when families leave the club? What are the primary reasons athletes & families leave?What is your youth athlete development model?Be forewarned, however. Asking these questions does not guarantee that you’re doing to get a straight answer. It’s also a good idea to talk to a number of families who have been involved with the club or team, including those who no longer participate.
Takeaways:The likelihood of receiving a college scholarship through youth sports is extremely low, and parents should consider alternative ways to fund their child’s education.Extricating oneself from the youth sports system can be challenging, but it is important to prioritize the well-being and interests of the child.Questioning the youth sports industry and advocating for affordable and inclusive options is crucial for the overall development of children.The emphasis on elite athletes and the pressure to participate in pay-to-play clubs can exclude many children and create unrealistic expectations.Sportswear companies play a role in the youth sports industry, but their focus on profit and exclusivity can hinder accessibility and development.Preferential admission for athletes in higher education perpetuates the socioeconomic elite and needs to be reevaluated.Parents have the power to ask questions, challenge the status quo, and advocate for changes that prioritize the well-being and enjoyment of youth sports.
Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:What is the Goal?: The Truth About the Youth Sports Industry, by Jean Linscott & Kenneth Ruoff
Whole Child Sports: An Alternative to Toxic Youth Sports Culture — ON BOYS episode
Linda Flanagan: Youth Sports are Out of Control –– ON BOYS episode
Coaches Speak About Youth Sports — ON BOYS episode
Varsity Blues Scandal Explained — BC Law article
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It’s back-to-school time!
What does this time of year look like for you & your family? Does your son dread back-to-school? Do you? Or, do you welcome that start of a new school year?
Rob Vaughn, a 5th grade teacher, is one of the (too) few male elementary school teachers in the United States.
Masculinity in 5th gradeWhen we asked Rob about his experiences in school when he was a boy, he told us, “I was a different kind of boy.” He says he wasn’t a “sporty jock,” but “quiet,” “introverted,” and “nerdy.” He remembers being shy and feeling overwhelmed.
The boys in his class exhibit a broad range of masculinity. There are the “dude” and “jocks,” Rob says, and at least as many boys how are “not stereotypical boys.” These guys like video games and stuffed animals, imaginative play, and art. They are sensitive — and so are the boys who like sports.
Kids today, he says, aren’t as strictly adhering to gender roles as kids were a generation ago.
“I’m finding that boys and girls are working together really well & openly, at least in my school,” Rob says. “Some of them are really great friends & some of the boys are really into ‘girl stuff.’ And they’re good at talking about their feelings!”
He is working to overcome lingering biases left over from his own childhood. Rob has noticed that his brain often thinks “tough kid” when he sees a boy in football gear, for instance. “I need to remember that they are still little kids and they are sensitive – even though they are acting like the celebrities they see,” he says.
He’s noticed boys emulating the behavior of online influencers and celebrities, including in less-than-desirable ways, such as arguing with referees or reacting with over-the-top rage when they lose a game. “It’s almost like there are little boys who are trying to be men, only the men they’re trying to be aren’t actualy men; they’re parodies of men that we’re seeing on social media.”
5th grade boys, Rob says, are grappling with “who am I? and who am I supposed to be?” at the same time they’re “dealing with hurt feelings and missing their mom.”
At the 5th grade level, boys tend to be less physically and emotionally mature than their female counterparts. At that age, boys are “not at a stage where they want to sit and discuss big ideas for as long” as the female students, Rob says. The boys, he says, “are operating at a level that’s a little sillier & younger.”
Teaching boys and girls together — and honestly talking about development and challenges — can enhance understanding and empathy.
Takeaways:Creating a sense of community in the classroom and giving students responsibilities can enhance their learning experience.Setting high expectations for students and empowering them to make choices can help build their independence.Fifth grade is a critical stage of development, with students experiencing the beginning stages of puberty and undergoing brain remodeling.Boys and girls in fifth grade are not always adhering to traditional gender roles, and they are grappling with societal expectations and their own identities.Social-emotional learning is an important aspect of the curriculum, focusing on skills such as empathy, communication, and self-awareness. Boys and girls may have different levels of maturity and focus in the classroom, with boys often being more active and playful.Societal expectations and media portrayals of masculinity can influence boys’ behavior and attitudes towards girls.Teaching boys about consent and respect for girls is crucial in creating a safe and inclusive environment.Parents and educators play a vital role in shaping boys’ behavior and attitudes towards girls.Building a strong foundation of respect and empathy in the early years can help boys navigate societal pressures and develop into confident and respectful men.
Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:Where Are All the Male Teachers? — Good Men Project article
Lisa Damour on the Emotional Lives on Teens — ON BOYS episode
Male Role Models — BuildingBoys post about male Olympians in the 2024 Summer Olympics
Gender Equality, Boys, & Men — ON BOYS podcast featuring Richard V. Reeves (which coverrs redshirting boys in school)
Erin’s Law — more info on the law that mandates child sexual abuse prevention
Mark Rober — YouTuber Rob mentioned during our conversation
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The right hemisphere of your brain is your “wild creature mind,” says Steve Biddulph, the Australian author, psychologist, and family therapist known for his work on parenting and child development (including his seminal book Raising Boys).
It is richly connected to our body & memories, including memories that we no longer consciously recall. It communicates with us constantly via bodily sensations, sending us important messages.
We can tap into that, and we can help our children tap into that — and, in doing so, help us all realize that “emotions are not the whole story,” Steve says.
Try using the phrase “there is something in me” when discussing emotions and the accompanying sensations. There is a big difference between “I am furiously angry” and “There is something in me that is furiously angry.” That linguistic tweaking allows you to gain a bit of separation, to observe and notice your thoughts and sensations. The goal is not to eliminate the feeling or sensation, but to learn from it.
Anxiety isn’t something to eliminateAnxiety isn’t necessarily problematic. It’s not a troublesome emotion that needs to be eliminated, Steve says.
“Anxiety is your wild creature mind, slashing at the bars, yelling at you,” he says. “Rightly or wrongly, it wants to get your attention about something.” So, when you feel anxiety, pause. Feel where it lives in your body. Try describing those sensations to yourself. Value, rather than dismiss, the sensations and experience of anxiety.
Your wild creature mind — the right hemisphere of your brain — is intended to work in conjunction with the left hemisphere of your brain. Yet because our societies have long prioritized rational, logical thinking, many of us have learned to ignore the stirrings of our wild creature mind. Tapping into it will allow us to “walk more slowly through life, love more deeply, and be happy with less,” Steve says.
Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:stevebiddulph.com — Steve’s online home
Wild Creature Mind: The Neuroscience Breakthrough that Helps You Transform Anxiety and Live a Fiercely Loving Life, by Steve Biddulph
Fully Human with Raising Boys Author Steve Biddulph — ON BOYS episode
Steve Biddulph on Raising Boys — ON BOYS episode
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Boys know that deep friendships are critical to mental health, says Dr. Niobe Way, a developmental psychologists who’s been studying boys for 40 years.
But as boys move through their teenage years, many of them — as many as 70-80% — find it difficult to connect with other boys. Why? “Boy culture,” says Dr. Way, author of Rebels with a Cause: Reimagining Boys, Ourselves, & Our Future, noting that she uses that term to describe the stereotypical “boy” expectations which state that boys & men should be strong & indepedent. And in many cultures, that “boy culture” has spread to the culture at large.
“Sucess, manhood, & modernity privilege the need for autonomy, not the need for connection,” Dr. Way says. The message most of us get is that maturity = self-sufficiency.
That message may be harming the mental health of all of us, as humans as meant to be inter-dependent.
Rebels, Dr. Way says, is not solely about boys & men, but about all of us & the culture in which we live. “Everybody needs relationships, connections, and friendships,” she says.
Learning from boys to improve life for us all“We come into the world with natural relational intelligence, and we don’t value it,” Dr. Way says. So, we need to “nurture our 5-year-old capacity to look at each other with wonder, and rather than say, ‘what’s wrong with you?’, to say, ‘what can I learn from you, about you, & also about me?””
Dr. Niobe Way says that we in the United States (& many countries) over-attribute boys’ & mens’ behavior to biology. Yes, biology influences & affects male behavior. But culture also plays a critical role — as evidenced by the fact that other cultures throughout the world & history live out male friendships differently.
“The reality is that we used to be a very different culture in terms of valuing our ‘hard’ and ‘soft’ sides,” she says.
Recognizing the impact of culture frees us up to make necessary changes. Because as a 7th grade boy once told Dr. Way, “When we make things biology, we think we can’t change it.”
All humans can be a-holes; all can be compassionate. All have relational intelligence that needs to be nurtured.
“Kids do come into the world with different temperments,” Dr. Way says. “We shouldn’t immediately assume that boys who have trouble expressing their feelings are ‘troubled.'” She advises parents to “move past the idea that they [boys] have to express themselves to us,” noting that many kids directly resist parental pressure.
Instead, we should help our children develop healthy, mutually-supportive relationships. Start by normalizing the desire to be deeply connected to other people. (Talk about it with your boys!) Engage in a dialogue about relationships — and that may include sharing some info about your own joys & challenges in relationships with fellow humans. Expresse curiosity, rather than judgment.
Stop focusing so much time and attention on academics. Help kids build relationships instead.
Takeaways:Boys have a strong desire for close friendships and articulate the need for emotional connection and support.Friendships are linked to boys’ mental health and well-being.Boys often struggle to form and maintain deep friendships as they get older, which can lead to a crisis of connection.Boy culture, which devalues emotional expression and connection, plays a significant role in boys’ ability to form and maintain friendships.The findings from boys’ experiences can teach us about the importance of relationships and connection for all individuals, regardless of gender. Boys are capable of deep emotional connections, but may not express themselves as much as girls due to societal expectations.Parents should focus on helping their children develop healthy relationships with others, rather than solely relying on emotional expression towards them.Normalizing the desire for deep connections and valuing children’s curiosity and opinions is crucial for their emotional well-being.
Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:www.niobe-way.com
Rebels with a Cause: Reimagining Boys, Ourselves, & Our Future, by Dr. Niobe Way
Deep Secrets: Boys’ Friendships & The Crisis of Connection, by Dr. Niobe Way
Together: The Healing Power of Human Connection in a Sometimes Lonely World, by (U.S. Surgeon General) Vivek Murthy
Pink Brain, Blue Brain: How Small Differences Grow Into Troublesome Gaps – and What We Can Do About It, by Dr. Lise Eliot
When Boys Become Boys: Development, Relationships, and Masculinity, by Judy Chu
The Listening Project
Dr. Friendtastic on Boys & Friendship — ON BOYS episode
Why Now is the Best Time to Raise Boys (w Michael Reichert) — ON BOYS episode
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How do we best support neurodivergent boys?
Approximately 12% of boys in the United States have been diagnosed with ADHD. About 3% are on the autism spectrum. 18% of boys have dyslexia. An untold number are gifted – &, of course, many boys are 2e, or twice-exceptional, with more than one of these conditions.
Dr. Matt Zakreski was one of those boys. “My backpack always looked like a bomb went off, I always forgot there were tests but could study 3 minutes before the test and get a 92,” says Dr. Matt, author of Neurodiversity Playbook: How Neurodivergent People Can Crack the Code of Living in a Neurotypical World.His obvious-in-hindsight ADHD wasn’t noticed or address until he was in high school.
Neurodiversity affects the intellectual, social, and emotional development of neurodivergent boys.”You have have a 10 year-old who’s intellectually 15 but socially, they’re 8,” Dr. Matt says, noting that neurodivergent boys need support both where they’re “ahead” of their similarly aged peesr and where they’re “behind.”
Living with & Supporting Neurodivergent Boys“Be curious, not furious,” Dr. Matt advises. Instead of getting mad when your child does (or doesn’t do!) something, get curious. Don’t assume that the child is being defiant, disobedient, or trying to annoy you. Remind yourself, “this child has needs that I don’t necessarily understand right now.” Take some deep breaths or do whatever else you need to do to calm yourself first. Then, get curious: ask your child what’s going on. Listen carefully. You’ll likely learn more about your child & strengthen your relationship.
Parenting neurodivergent kids will also include helping kids learn how to manage their attraction to things that feel good in the moment but may be harmful in excess. (Think: screens). Compromise — and demonstrating understanding & empathy for your kid’s interests and goals — can help.
Neurodivergent-friendly environments are crucial for the success and well-being of neurodivergent children. You are not impairing their ability to cope or function in the broader world by considering your son’s unique needs.
“Resiliency is not just working harder,” Dr. Matt says. “You build resiliency fastest and most generalizable through the things you like to do the most.” Giving boys plenty of opportunities to pursue the activities and problems that interest them also gives them opportunities to develop intellectually, socially, and emotionally.
Takeaways:Neurodivergent individuals have unique brains that develop asynchronously, with strengths in certain areas and challenges in othersUnderstanding and supporting neurodivergent children requires looking beyond academics and considering their social, emotional, and developmental needsParenting neurodivergent children involves being curious, not furious, and finding compromises that meet both the child’s needs and the parent’s boundariesSetting reasonable limits on screen time and using a third-door solution approach can help navigate conflicts around technology usePsychoeducation, explaining how a child’s brain works and why certain behaviors occur, can empower children and reduce self-blame. Neurodivergent boys often struggle with self-regulation and may exhibit behaviors that are coping strategiesProviding neurodivergent boys with a customized playbook of coping strategies can help them manage their emotions and impulsesNeurodivergent-friendly environments, such as schools and activities, are crucial for the success and well-being of neurodivergent boysIt is important to fight against gender stereotypes and embrace the unique strengths and interests of neurodivergent boys
Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:Neurodiversity Playbook: How Neurodivergent People Can Crack the Code of Living in a Neurotypical World, by Dr. Matt Zakreski
www.drmattzakreski.com
Building Boys: Raising Great Guys in a World That Misunderstands Males, by Jen
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Circumcision is a decision every boy parent must face – but what’s the truth behind the practice?
Let’s break down the facts and dispel the myths.
Culture & emotion influence circumcision ratesSurgical removal of the foreskin of the penis is incredibly common in some cultures & very rare in others. In the United States, approximately. 58% of male newborns are circumcised. But rates vary greatly by region – in the Midwest, it’s 74%; on the West coast, it’s 30%.
Globally, about 1 in 3 males are circumcised, with great variation across countries and continents. In Australia, the circumcision rate is 27%. In Germany, it’s 11%. Zimbabwe, 9.2%. Italy, 3%. Ireland, 1%. Uganda, 26.7%.
“The variation is really accounted for my cultural differences,” says Tim Hammond, executive director of the Genital Autonomy Legal Defense & Education Fund (GALDEF). He notes that circumcision is not recognized as healthcare in many countries — with some countries considering the procedure medically harmful. Myths, misinformation, superstition, and religion are often at the heart of the cultural reasons for circumcision.
“What I’ve learned in 35+ years of being involved in this issue is that it really comes down to an emotional decision,” Hammond says.
Circumcision isn’t medically necessaryRemoval of the foreskin may confer some health benefits, including a reduced risk of urinary tract infections (UTIS), decreased risk of sexually transmitted infection (STIs), and a decreased risk of penile and cervical cancer.
However, there are other, less invasive ways for children to experience the same benefits, without undergoing surgical removal of the foreskin. Excellent hygiene can prevent many UTIs – and oral antibiotic treatment can easily treat UTIs. Consistent use of condoms during sexual activity can decrease the risk of STIs, including human papillomavirus (HPV), the virus that causes penile and cervical cancer. HPV vaccination can also prevent HPV infection.
Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:Genital Autonomy Legal Defense & Education Fund (GALDEF)
Circumcision: Where We Stand — American Academy of Pediatrics
Aug. 3 Double Feature Documentary Screening: Nurses of St. Vincent: Saying No to Circumcision and Facing Circumcision: 8 Doctors Tell Their Stories
Circumcision: The Hidden Trauma, by Ronald Goldman
doctorsopposingcircumcision.com
beyondthebris.com
bruchim.online
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To connect with boys, you must first listen, says Jonathon Reed, program manager for NextGenMen.
Societal expectations of boys & men are gradually shifting. These shifting narratives are part of why it’s so important for adults to listen to boys. Adults’ interpretation and understanding of situations and interactions doesn’t necessarily reflect boys’ complex experiences, and neither does our language or approach.
“We’ve got to look to them as the leaders in this conversation,” Reed says.
Approach with CuriosityTeens (and humans of all ages) tend to shut down and stop listening to people who don’t seem to be listening. By adolescence, most boys know that the world isn’t simply black or white; they’re ready to explore the grey. If you want to connect you boys, approach conversations with curiosity.
“Curiosity lays the possibility for an impactful conversation,” Reed says. Then, listen. Don’t dismiss what boys are telling you; dwell on the awkwardness they share and express.
Remember, too, that boys won’t necessarily tell you about their problems. “If boys are struggling, often they’re struggling in silence,” Reed says. “There’s still a stigma against asking for help, particularly when it also means admitting a weakness or a vulnerability.” Create a sense of safety to connect with boys.
Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:NextGenMen website
Raising Next Gen Men — ON BOYS episode
Breaking the Boy Code — ON BOYS episode
Teen Boys Emotional Lives — ON BOYS episode
Creating Consent Culture: A Handbook for Educators, by Marcia Baczynski and Erica Scott
Boys & Sex with Peggy Orenstein — ON BOYS episode
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Dr. Lisa Damour says that adults should consider the barriers boys face when it comes to emotional connection and expression.
"Gender is such a huge force in how emotion is expressed, and perhaps even in how emotion is experienced," says Dr. Damour. "If a boy doesn’t feel that he has permission to let people know he’s hurting, it’s a good bet that he will discharge his unwanted emotions by acting out."
To Connect with Teens, Learn About Their EmotionsDr. Damour served as an advisor on one of this summer's most popular films, Inside Out 2. (Haven't seen it yet? Go! It'll give you great insight into what's going on inside the brain of your teen.)
Boys may restrict their emotional expression due to societal pressures and gender norms. Dr. Damour highlights the stark contrast between the emotional expression allowed for girls and boys in our culture. Girls, she says, generally have a "wide emotional highway" to express a range of emotions, while boys are restricted to a "two-lane highway." And while it’s natural for humans to cry, boys who do so often face ridicule and social pressure, especially in environments like school.
Dr. Damour suggests that parents and educators can help boys by creating spaces for physical and alternative forms of emotional expression. Unlike the cultural preference for verbal expressions of emotion, many boys and men (and some girls, women, and nonbinary individuals) find relief through physical activities. Activities like shooting basketball hoops, running laps, or even banging on an old filing cabinet can be effective ways to discharge and process emotions.
"If it brings relief and does no harm, it’s a good coping strategy," Dr. Damour says. Additionally, music can be a powerful tool for many boys to express and regulate their emotions.
Practical Steps for ParentsTo connect better with teenage boys and support their emotional development, parents can:
Create Safe Spaces for Emotional Expression: Encourage physical activities that help boys process their emotions. Sports, music, or even creative projects can provide an outlet for their feelings.Acknowledge and Respect Gender Norms: Understand the societal pressures boys face and offer support without reinforcing harmful stereotypes. Validate their feelings and encourage healthy expression.Set Clear Expectations: While understanding the pressures boys face, maintain clear expectations for respectful and kind behavior. Teach boys that while it's okay to feel anger or frustration, it's not okay to express these emotions through harmful actions.Model Emotional Intelligence: Show boys how to handle emotions by modeling emotional intelligence in your behavior. Demonstrate how to talk about feelings and handle stress constructively.
Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:drlisadamour.com – Lisa’s website
The Emotional Lives of Teenagers: Raising Connected, Capable, and Compassionate Adolescents — Lisa’s latest book (get the free parent discussion guide here)
Ask Lisa: The Psychology of Parenting – podcast hosted by Lisa Damour & Reena Ninan
Teen Boys’ Emotional Lives — ON BOYS episode
Managing Emotions — ON BOYS episode
Nonverbal Communication with Boys — ON BOYS episode
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Brendan Kwiatkowski knows that connecting with teenage boys requires understanding, patience, and a willingness to create a safe emotional space.
Kwiatkowski, PhD, a renowned researcher specializing in boys’ emotions, experiences, and masculinities, says that teen boys “assume most people don’t want to hear about their negative emotions.”
Helping Boys Express Their Emotions
One of the key factors in a boy’s ability to express his emotions is his parents’ response to his distress. If a boy knows that his anger, sadness, or frustration will upset his parents’ equilibrium, he is more likely to stifle his emotions. On the other hand, if he feels that his parents will respond with calm compassion, he is more likely to share his feelings honestly.
It’s important for parents to create a supportive environment where their sons feel safe to express themselves. This means responding to their emotions without judgment or immediate solutions, simply listening and validating their feelings. Don’t fret if you don’t always respond perfectly. It’s okay to miss the mark sometimes. Research has shown that parents can miss the mark 70% of the time and still raise well-adjusted children, as long as they apologize and strive to make things right when they falter.
Encouraging Teen Boys to Talk
Interestingly, Kwiatkowski’s research shows that teenage boys are often most comfortable opening up to women. Therefore, moms have a unique opportunity to foster a deeper connection with their sons by being approachable and supportive listeners.
Modeling authenticity and vulnerability is another powerful way to encourage boys to open up. Kwiatkowski emphasizes the importance of being genuine and honest with your own emotions. “I never would expect a teenage boy to be honest with me if I’m not demonstrating that myself,” he says. Acknowledging the contradictions and tensions in being a boy or man and discussing these openly can help create a more trusting and open dialogue.
Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:remasculine.com — Brendan’s website
Re: Masculine — Brenda’s album about masculinity
Hold Onto Your Kids: Why Parents Matter More Than Peers, by Gordon Neufeld and Gabor Mate — book recommended by Brendan Kwiatkowski
What You Need to Know About Boys & Suicide (w Katey McPherson) — ON BOYS episode
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Teacher Tom says “kids haven’t changed at all” over recent decades.
“Kids still need freedom to play, to follow their own curiosity,to ask and answer questions,and to learn how to get along with other people,” he says.
Nurturing Kids & Building ConnectionsThe first five years of a child’s life “should be about how to live with these complicated things called emotions,” Tom says.
Children also need time and space to navigate emotions and social interactions. But “too often, we step in too soon,” Tom says. When adults hear bickering, arguing, or tears, they frequently step in and problem solve for the kids — which can adversely affect child development.
“We rob them of the chance to learn that basic skill of self-governance and self-control,” Tom says. Give the kids time. Left to their own devices, kids often come up with innovative solutions.
Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:Teacher Tom — Tom’s blog
Teacher Tom’s World — includes links to Teacher Tom’s courses, books, & speaking events
Teacher Tom’s Facebook page
Teacher Tom Talks About Boys, Emotions, & Play — ON BOYS episode
The Gardener & the Carpenter: What the New Science of Child Development Tells Us About the Relationship Between Parents & Children, by Alison Gopnik — book mentioned by Teacher Tom
The Link Between Freedom & Video Games — BuildingBoys post
Why You Need to Stop Focusing on Your Boys’ Bickering — BuildingBoys post
Sapiens: A Brief History of Humankind, by Yuval Harari — book mentioned by Teacher Tom
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Women are America’s safety net.
Women provide the vast majority of child and elder care and care for the disabled. Women do the bulk of home- and community-tending, and they create and reinforce the ties that bind us together. Most of that labor is unpaid — and the little that is paid is typically poorly compensated.
This imbalance is clearly problematic for women, who are often exhausted and overworked. But it’s also a problem for boys, men, girls, and, well, everyone. If we don’t talk about this imbalance, our sons will grow up in a system that still devalues care work. They’ll see women, predominantly, as caregivers, and may conclude – incorrectly – that they’re not capable of childcare or elder care. Others may also assume that our boys and men aren’t capable of care.
How Our DIY Society Tricked Us AllOther countries use social safety nets to manage risk, says sociologist Jessica Calarco, author of Holding It Together: How Women Became America’s Safety Net. In contrast, the US “tries to DIY society,” Calarco says, essentially telling people “that if they just make the right choices for their kids and families, then they won’t actually need any support.”
That’s a lie, though. We all need help and support at various time throughout life. But “women’s unpaid and underpaid labor is maintaining this illusion that we can get by without a social safety net” in the United States, she says.
Busting Gender StereotypesFrom the time girls are old enough to hold a baby doll, we’re training them to be mothers. We don’t do the same for boys, at least not on a society-wide scale.
“Boys are often denied the opportunity to learn to be caregivers,” Calarco notes.
Despite the ubiquity of the Mars/Venus myth, which suggests that females are better suited to caregiving than males, there’s no solid scientific evidence to back up that assertion. “If anything, much of what we perceive as these innate gender differences roots back to early socialization,” Calarco says. “Even as young as infancy, adults treat babies differently if they perceive it to be a girl versus if they perceive it to be a boy.”
Research shows that the more caregiving experience an individual has, the more that person’s body will respond physiologically — by pumping out hormones like oxytocin — to caregiving activities. “This happens for both men and women,” Calarco says. “The more experience you have in caregiving capacities, the better at it you get.”
But while parents (and society at large) are now widely supportive of girls who bend traditional gender boundaries, they are much less comfortable with boys who bend and challenge gender stereotypes. Many parents (and grandparents) still aren’t comfortable giving boys dolls or letting them play house.
“This is a place where we can intervene,” Calarco says. “We can hold up examples of kids and adults pushing back against these boundaries and binaries. We can let them know ‘there’s many, many different ways to be a girl and many different ways to be a boy.’ And I think the more that we can encourage that kind of gender flexibility for both our boys and our girls, the better off they will be.”
Takeaways:Women are the safety net of America, providing unpaid and underpaid labor that holds everything togetherSystemic issues affect boys and familiesDevaluation of care work impacts societal perceptions of caregiving rolesHow neoliberalism and the myth of individualistic success have led to the exploitation of women’s laborThe Mars/Venus myth perpetuates gender stereotypes and societal attitudes that devalue caregiving and reinforce gender hierarchiesFundamental shifts in societal attitudes and policies are necessary to address systemic issues and create a more equitable societyChange begins at home, with the need to challenge gender roles and encourage caregiving experiences for both boys and girls
Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:Holding It Together: How Women Became America’s Safety Net — Jessica’s book
Kate Mangino on Teaching Boys to Be Equal Partners — ON BOYS podcast
Nursing, Boys, & Gender Stereotypes — 4-15-24 Building Boys Bulletin
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Like most moms, Jaimie Kelton has “so many thoughts & fears on raising a boy.”
“I question myself constantly,” says Jamie, host of The Queer Family podcast and mom to two children, a 10-year-old daughter & a 6-year-old son. She knows that gender is a social construct — and also knows that gender stereotypes are extremely powerful and prevalent. When she was pregnant with her son, Jamie says, she worried that she wouldn’t be able to connect with him.
In this episode, Jaimie shares her journey and thoughts on raising a boy within a society that holds strong gender stereotypes, while also highlighting the unique challenges and joys faced by queer families.
Key Topics:
Parenting Fears & Self-Doubt: Jaimie opens up about the common fears and constant self-questioning she experiences as a mom. Despite her awareness that gender is a social construct, she acknowledges the pervasive influence of gender stereotypes in society.Facing Stereotypes: While Jaimie and her wife offer their son a variety of toys and activities, he gravitates towards traditionally “boy” interests such as cars, trucks, planes, and the color blue.Support & Acceptance: Jaimie discusses the importance of supporting children in becoming their true selves. She emphasizes the need to parent the child you have, not the one you envisioned.Intentional Parenting: As part of a queer family, Jaimie highlights the intentionality required in their parenting journey. From conception to daily life, every step is deliberate and meaningful.Challenging Norms: Facing societal prejudice, including attempts to ban books featuring families like hers, queer families must continually think outside the box. Often, they discover joy in creating a unique lives that defy conventional paths.Encouragement for Other Parents: Jaimie underscores the idea that joy and fulfillment can be found by embracing one’s unique family structure and parenting style.Memorable Quotes:
“We want our kids to feel free to be who they are.”“We’re really good at thinking outside the box because we don’t fit the normal path.”“These are the most intentional parents. There’s no accidents in how we make a family.”Links we mentioned (or should have) in this episode:The Queer Family podcast — Jaime’s podcast
Supporting LGBTQ+ Kids — ON BOYS episode
Understanding Gender with Dr. Alex Iantaffi — ON BOYS episode
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