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Importance of MindsetDiscusses the critical role of mindset in making real changes.Leslie explains the difference between breakdown and breakthrough mindsets.Uses biblical examples like Esther and Joseph to illustrate points.Breakdown MindsetLeslie describes what a breakdown mindset is.Explains its effects using stories of people stuck in victim mentality.Denial of RealityLeslie explains how people deny reality to avoid suffering.Shares examples of false spirituality and its impact on lives.Personal Story of GriefJulie shares a personal story about her sister’s tragic death and subsequent family losses.Discusses the weight of grief and the common but unhelpful reactions from others.Steps to Breakthrough MindsetLeslie talks about distinguishing between healthy grieving and a breakdown.Emphasizes finding meaning in suffering.Shares the importance of perspective and purpose in tragedy.Breakthrough MindsetLeslie explains what a breakthrough mindset looks like.Provides personal and real-world examples of people converting loss into meaningful actions.Practical TechniquesLeslie provides practical steps and mindset shifts.Includes tracking thoughts and noticing the stories we tell ourselves.Importance of Self-GrowthStresses the importance of self-growth and taking responsibility for one’s mindset.Mentions the Empowered to Change group as a resource for developing a noble self.Empowered to Change
Details about the Empowered to Change group:
Its role in personal growth.
How it helps women navigate difficult times by focusing on individual growth and mindset shifts.
Prayer and EncouragementLeslie ends with a prayer for women in a breakdown mindset. -
Resources:
Empowered to Change: www.leslievernick.com/empowered
Darby Strickland https://www.darbystrickland.com/
In this heart-wrenching and inspirational episode, Mary shares her powerful story of overcoming decades of abuse. From her tumultuous marriages to finding the strength to rebuild her life, listeners will be moved and motivated to find resilience in their own struggles.
Mary's Background
Insights into Mary’s early life and personal history.Brief mention of her age and pride in overcoming challenges.First Marriage
The emotional and psychological abuse Mary experienced.Efforts to maintain a normal home and protect her children.Her husband’s eventual abandonment.Second Marriage
Initial optimism and eventual realization of failure.The additional challenges and learning experiences.Discovering Leslie's Materials
How Mary found and began engaging with Leslie’s resources.The impact of biblical evidence and therapy on her decisions.Applying Knowledge and Therapy
Practical steps Mary took to apply Leslie’s teachings.Collaboration with her PTSD therapist to understand and confront abuse.Personal Achievements and Growth
Overcoming past abuses and achieving significant personal milestones.Her educational pursuits and the establishment of a discipleship group.Aspirations to start an autism center.Balancing Commitments
Struggles and strategies for maintaining a balanced life.Learning to prioritize and manage commitments without overextending.The Role of Counseling
The necessity and importance of having a supportive counselor.Perseverance in finding the right match for counseling.Practical advice for those experiencing abuse and seeking help.Final Thoughts
Encouragement for listeners to seek help and realize their value.Empowering message to those feeling defeated by ongoing abuse. -
Fehlende Folgen?
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RESOURCES:Register Here for Leslie's Free Workshop on December 5th!Honey Lake ClinicLeslie's Quick Start GuideIn this episode of Relationship Truth Unfiltered, Leslie Vernick chats with Dr. Karl Benzio about integrating faith and psychiatric science for healing and better decision-making. Dr. Benzio, from Honey Lake Clinic, shares his journey and practical tools like the SPEARS model to help improve mental health and relationships. Don't miss this insightful conversation!Personal StoryKarl's journey of struggle and redemptionEarly InfluencesChildhood challenges and the impact of faithFaith and PsychiatryIntegrating science and faith for healingPractical Advice for Decision-MakingEmpowering godly decisions in tough relationshipsSPEARS Decision MakingOverview of the SPEARS decision-making modelRole of Relationships and MaintenanceImportance of daily psychological and spiritual upkeep
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RESOURCESRegister for Leslie's Free Workshop December 5th!www.leslievernick.com/story
Leslie's Quick Start Guidewww.leslievernick.com/start
In this episode, Julie Sedenko sits down with Alyson Zurek, who opens up about her tumultuous life marked by three marriages, a traumatic brain injury, and childhood trauma.
From early instability and maternal abandonment to overcoming abusive relationships and exploring emotional recovery, Alyson shares her story of resilience and healing.
She discusses how finding faith and joining supportive communities like Conquer helped her reclaim her life and peace of mind. The conversation serves as a powerful testament to the strength of the human spirit and offers hope for those in similar struggles.
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ResourcesLeslie's Quick Start Guide: www.leslievernick.com/start Chris Moles' Website & Resources: https://www.chrismoles.org/ Theology of Suffering and AuthorityDiscussion on imbalance of theology related to suffering and authorityMagnification of male headship and sacrifice over safety and protection of the oppressedLack of focus on misuse and cautions of authorityAbuse of Authority and AccountabilityConstituted and delegated authority in the churchPower comes with responsibility and accountabilityThe church's duty to hold authority figures accountable for misuseJesus' Teachings on LeadershipJesus' warnings against the misuse of authorityConnection to domestic abuse involving various forms of power and controlThe church's slow response to addressing these abusesRestoration and Consequences of SinBiblical references to power under versus power overThe role of accountability and honesty in theological commitmentsExpectation of servant leadership and its importanceHope for Marriages Affected by Domestic AbuseFinding hope and change through the gospelThe focus on individual safety and sanity over marital restorationImportance of setting boundaries and personal growth for both partnersDomestic Abuse: Definitions and DynamicsMisuse of power and patterns of coercive behaviorThe importance of recognizing power dynamics in abuseDifferentiating between isolated acts and ongoing patterns of controlCan Women Be Abusive?Acknowledgment of women's potential for abusive behaviorDifferences in power dynamics and impact between men and womenExamples of women abusing power in certain contextsNonviolent Resistance and Personal AgencyEncouraging nonviolent forms of resistanceThe significance of maintaining dignity and agencyPractical advice on resisting control without escalating violence
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RESOURCES: Domestic Violence Hotline 1-800-GET-SAFE (1-800-799-7233)Leslie's Quick Start Guide: www.leslievernick.com/startThe Hidden Depths of AddictionDiscovery of her husband's addictionStruggles with expectations of respect and family values, especially within the church settingFacing Anger and AbuseAnger and threats escalateIrrational angerPsychological and physical toll of the marriageThe Impact on ChildrenTansil's fear and realization of the impact on her childrenProtective actions taken to shield her children from the abuseRecognizing Red FlagsReflection on early warning signs before and soon after marriageImportance of identifying and not ignoring red flags in relationshipsThe Turning Point: Seeking SafetySeeing the truthInitial steps towards seeking help and legal separationLegal Separation and Its AftermathHiring an attorney and filing for legal separationEmotional and practical challenges of separating from an abusive spouseExperiences with victim services and legal protectionSupport Systems and Conquer CommunityParticipation in Conquer and the support gained from the communityKey lessons and validations received from fellow survivorsImportance of staying anchored in reality and implementing safety plansThe Role of Faith and ChurchChallenges with pastoral support and their often inadequate response to abuseImportance of faith and prayer in Tansil's journeyPositive and negative experiences with church leadershipFinal Thoughts and AdviceEncouragement to listeners to trust their gut instincts and prioritize safetyAdvice on not dismissing red flags and recognizing one's own worthFinal reflections and call to action for women in similar situations to seek help and support
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RESOURCES
Quick Start Guide: www.leslievernick.com/start Pattern Questions to Ask:
When was the first time ... When was the last time... What is a typical time?What's the worst time?Summary: In this episode, Julie Sedenko and relationship expert Leslie Vernick discuss how to recognize and address destructive relationships. Leslie highlights five key signs of a destructive relationship and offers advice on navigating these challenging situations.
Identifying Red Flags in Marriage
Explanation of common red flags that may indicate a relationship is becoming destructive.Recognizing Patterns of Destructive Behavior
Importance of identifying repeat patterns in behavior that are harmful.Differentiation between occasional mistakes and ongoing destructive patterns.Sign One: Feeling Controlled
Indicators of control and manipulation in a relationship.Psychological and emotional impact of being controlled.Sign Two: Feeling Afraid
Understanding fear in non-physically abusive relationships.Common fears and their effects on the dynamics of a relationship.Sign Three: Feeling Confused
The role of gaslighting in causing confusion.Strategies for regaining clarity and validating one’s own reality.Sign Four: Feeling Objectified
Recognizing when one is being treated as an object rather than a partner.The emotional toll of objectification.Sign Five: Deception
Impact of chronic deception on trust and safety in a relationship.Recognizing the signs of deceit and its consequences.Navigating Deceptive and Manipulative Behavior
Dealing with duplicity and manipulation in relationships.Strategies for protecting oneself and maintaining sanity.Taking Control of Your Happiness
Personal anecdotes and empowerment stories.Importance of self-celebration and taking charge of one’s own well-being.Recognizing Destructive Patterns and Seeking Safety
Identifying patterns and understanding their frequency and intensity.Assessing personal boundaries and safety measures. -
In this episode of Relationship Truth Unfiltered, Dr. Stephanie Holmes, an autism researcher, life coach, and ordained minister, joins us to discuss the unique dynamics of neurodiverse marriages. Dr. Holmes brings her vast expertise and personal experience in navigating the challenges that couples face when one partner is on the autism spectrum. The conversation emphasizes understanding neurodiversity, the impact of late diagnoses on marriages, recognizing red flags, and practical advice for women feeling unheard or unloved in such relationships. Listeners will gain valuable insights into self-care, boundary-setting, and finding supportive communities within a Christian context.
Key TakeawaysUnderstanding Neurodiversity
Explanation of neurodiverse and neurotypical terms.Importance of recognizing different neurological wiring and its impact on relationships.Impact of Late Diagnosis
Effects of late autism spectrum diagnoses on marital relationships.Historical context of autism diagnosis and its implications.Recognizing Red Flags
Identifying signs that a partner might be on the autism spectrum.Need for reassessment for individuals diagnosed with ADHD before 2013.Challenges in Neurodiverse Marriages
Common struggles such as lack of emotional connection and communication issues.Necessity for both partners to learn and adapt to each other's needs.Trauma and Neurodiverse Relationships
Understanding Trauma A (absence of good things) and Trauma B (presence of bad things) in neurodiverse marriages.Impact of trauma on the neurotypical spouse and importance of addressing these issues.Counseling and Coaching
Benefits of coaching over traditional counseling for neurodiverse couples.Importance of individual therapy and trauma work before starting couples work.Personal and Spiritual Growth
Encouraging women to set boundaries and seek self-care.Finding identity and community support outside of the marriage.Final Advice
Practical tips for women feeling unheard or unloved in their relationships.Recognizing and addressing the impact of a spouse's behavior on their well-being. -
RESOURCESLeslie's Quick Start Guide: www.leslievernick.com/start In this episode Julie Sedenko talks to Raquel about her personal journey and insights into toxic marriages, emotional abuse, and healing. You will learn, from Raquel's experiences, about the importance of establishing boundaries, tips for healing after emotional abuse, and key lessons from her marriage. This empowering podcast provides valuable resources and encouragement for those navigating their own relationship challenges.
Raquel's Marriage
Rachel discusses the truth behind her marriage experiencesEmotional Abuse Unmasked
Revealing the signs and effects of emotional abuseRaquel on Toxic Marriages
Insights on what makes a marriage toxicMarriage Boundaries
Raquel’s story on setting and maintaining boundariesHealing After Emotional Abuse
Steps and stories of healing post-abuseRaquel's Marriage Lessons
Key lessons learned from her own marriageEscaping Toxic Relationships
Strategies and advice for leaving toxic situationsRaquel's Guide to Boundaries
Comprehensive guide to establishing and enforcing boundariesToxic Marriage Insights
Additional insights on toxic relationshipsRaquel's Truth on Marriage
Final thoughts and personal truths about marriage -
Honesty and Vulnerability in Friendships:
Initiating tough conversations about unmet needs is essential to gauge respect and mutual support.Small “no” statements reveal whether a friend respects boundaries or tends toward manipulation or guilt-tripping.Guarding Your Heart:
Proverbs 4:23 emphasizes guarding your heart to prevent dependency on others for validation.By making God the source of well-being, friendships become supportive without becoming the foundation of one’s self-worth.Understanding Friendships vs. Ministry Relationships:
Distinguishing between friendships, which are mutual and reciprocal, and ministry relationships, where giving is without expectation.True friendships require both give-and-take, unlike ministry relationships, which may be one-sided.Establishing Healthy Boundaries:
Recognizing personal limits, such as the story of the “laundry lesson,” where a lack of boundaries led to silent resentment.Knowing when to express needs and limitations to avoid burnout and passive-aggressive responses.When Friendships Need to End:
Natural fading of friendships versus ending them with intentional conversations if there’s been a breach of trust.Practicing clarity: If a friendship no longer aligns with your life stage or values, addressing this honestly can prevent miscommunication. -
In this episode of Relationship Truth Unfiltered, Leslie Vernick interviews Michelle Hord, a former producer of Good Morning America. Michelle shares her heartbreaking yet inspiring story of losing her daughter Gabrielle at the hands of her soon-to-be ex-husband and her journey of resilience and faith thereafter.
The Tragic Event
Description of the tragic event involving Michelle's daughter, Gabrielle.Emotional and psychological impact on Michelle and her family.Life Before the Tragedy
Insights into Michelle's marriage and reasons for the divorce.Discussion about emotional abuse and its impact.Gabrielle's Personality
Michelle's memories of Gabrielle.Gabrielle's character and memorable traits.The Night of the Tragedy
Details of the night Gabrielle's life was taken.Michelle’s immediate reactions and actions following the event.Immediate Aftermath
Steps Michelle took following the tragedy.The support system that helped her through the initial shock.Regaining Power and Faith
Michelle’s journey to regain her power and sense of self.Her process of rebuilding faith and resilience.Book Discussion: The Other Side of Yet
Introduction of Michelle’s book.Explanation of the book’s title and central themes.Defiant Faith
Discussion on the concept of defiant faith.How Michelle has embraced defiance against evil and adversity.Support Systems
Importance of having a strong support system during crises.Examples of how Michelle’s friends supported her through difficult times.Gabrielle’s Wings Foundation
Overview of the Gabrielle’s Wings Foundation.The mission and activities of the foundation to honor Gabrielle’s legacy.Conclusion and Prayer
Closing thoughts from Leslie and Michelle.Prayer for listeners facing their own battles with evil and hardship.Additional Details:Links and Resources:
Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-SAFE (7233)Gabrielle’s Wings Foundation WebsitePurchase Michelle Hord’s Book Michelle Hord's WebsiteLeslie Vernick’s Free Quick Start GuideSocial Media Contacts:
Follow Leslie Vernick on Instagram and FacebookFollow Gabrielle’s Wings on Instagram and Facebook`
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RESOURCES:REGISTER HERE for Leslie's FREE Workshop, If He Doesn't Hit Me, Is it Still Abuse? God Cares. September 24th, 2024, 12pm & 7:30pm Eastern
JOIN CONQUER!! September 24 - October 4th
In this episode, Betty shares her journey through CONQUER, a program that played a pivotal role in her life, first as a married woman and later after her divorce. She discusses how she rediscovered her core values, tackled people-pleasing habits, and found invaluable community support. Her story is a testament to personal growth and resilience, offering hope and a heartfelt prayer for those facing tough times.
Twice the Impact: Betty took CONQUER courses twice—first married, then divorced in December 2016. She reflects on how this dual experience shaped her perspective and growth.
Discovering Authenticity: Betty's journey to rediscover her core values. Insightful question: "Who did God make you to be?"
Moving Beyond People Pleasing: Role plays and self-awareness exercises in CONQUER helped her recognize and overcome patterns of people-pleasing.
Community and Support: Importance of community in Betty's healing journey. Deep connections and friendships formed through CONQUER.
Transformation and Growth: Betty's evolution spiritually and emotionally. Living authentically and secure in identity and faith.
Gratitude and Mentorship: Betty's shares her appreciation for Leslie Vernick's mentorship and teaching. Impactful moments of support and guidance.
Finding Meaning in Difficult Times: Drawing from Isaiah 45:3—finding treasures in darkness. Recognizing God's presence and provision in challenging times.
Encouragement for Listeners: Words of encouragement for those in similar journeys. Embrace inner work, community support, and spiritual growth.
Closing Thoughts and Prayer: Betty's closing reflections on her journey. Heartfelt prayer for listeners in difficult circumstances.
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RESOURCES:
Register Here for Leslie's Free Workshop
Are You in a Destructive Marriage Test/Quick Start Guide
Pam's Journey:
Reflects on her marriage of over two decades overshadowed by manipulation and deceit.Discovering her husband's hidden behaviors: excessive gambling, pornography use, and financial mismanagement.The emotional toll of deception and cycles of hope and disappointment.The turning point: uncovering infidelity and confronting the reality of emotional abuse.Navigating Healing and Transformation:
Coping with legal and financial challenges amidst ongoing deceit and manipulation.Finding solace in resources like Leslie Vernick's teachings and support groups.Recognizing and addressing emotional abuse: setting boundaries and focusing on personal healing.Spiritual growth and redefining beliefs about marriage and submission.Reflections and Moving Forward:
Challenges and victories in navigating divorce and rebuilding self-worth.The role of support systems: friends, family, and therapeutic interventions.Embracing opportunities for personal growth and fulfillment beyond the confines of marriage.Insights into reclaiming identity and finding empowerment in life after abuse. -
RESOURCES: Julie Bonn Blank's website https://www.juliebonnblank.com/ Abuse Recover Ministry: https://abuserecovery.org/ Book: "On the Frontlines of Abuse"Books by Julie Bonn Blank
Near-Death Experience
Julie Bonn Blank shares her profound spiritual experience after a near-death allergic reactionImpact on her faith journey and ministryUnderstanding Coercive Control
Definition and examples of coercive control in relationshipsIts role in perpetuating abuse dynamicsHighlighting ARMS Programs
Overview of "Her Journey" program for survivors of domestic violenceExplanation of "Mankind and Virtue" program for abusersChallenges in Church Responses
Discussion on how churches address abuse within their congregationsImportance of supportive and accountable church environmentsPersonal Reflections on Healing and Relationships
Julie's insights on building healthy relationships after abuseDifferences and learnings from past experiences -
Resources:Leslie's Quick Start Guide"She Deserves Better" by Sheila Gregoire"The Great Sex Rescue" by Sheila GregoireQuestions answered in this episodeCan Women Offer Affection Without It Being Interpreted as a Sexual Invitation?Women may hesitate to show physical affection due to fear of it being seen as an invitation for sex.It’s important to communicate intentions clearly when offering hugs, kisses, or other forms of affection.An effective way to set boundaries: “I love being close to you, but I don’t always want it to lead to sex.”Men should understand that affectionate gestures are not always signals for sex; ongoing dialogue is key.Is It Wrong for a Woman to Fake Orgasms?Faking orgasms can erode trust and intimacy in a relationship.Honest communication about sexual desires and experiences is essential.If a woman is not in the mood for orgasm, she should express this openly: “I want to be close to you but don’t expect me to reach orgasm.”Focus on connection and mutual pleasure rather than performance.Are There Biblical Boundaries for Sexual Practices?Certain practices, such as extramarital sex and harmful activities, are considered off-limits.Biblical teachings emphasize respect, mutual consent, and preserving the sanctity of sexual relationships.Open dialogue about preferences and boundaries helps maintain a healthy relationship.What About Covert Forms of Marital Rape and Coercion?Covert marital rape can involve emotional or spiritual coercion, where consent is not freely given.True consent involves the ability to express desires and boundaries without fear of negative consequences.If coerced into compliance, seek professional help and support to address these issues.Is Masturbation a Concern in a Marriage?There is disagreement in the church on this topic. Masturbation can be a natural part of sexuality and may not necessarily indicate problems in a relationship. It’s important to discuss personal needs and expectations about masturbation within the context of the marriage.Addressing how masturbation affects the relationship openly and respectfully can lead to greater understanding and alignment.My Wife Never Liked Sex but She Married Me—What Should I Do?Feeling deceived when a partner’s sexual preferences or desires differ from expectations can be challenging.It’s important to address these concerns openly with your partner and seek to understand each other’s needs and boundaries.Consider couples counseling to explore these issues in a safe, guided environment.Building a supportive relationship where both partners feel heard and valued is crucial, even if sexual desires do not align perfectly.How Should We Handle Long-Term Relationship Repair and Growth?Long-term relationships, like homes, require regular maintenance and repair.Addressing emotional, physical, or relational damage is crucial for maintaining a healthy relationship.Prioritize well-being and safety; if a partner’s behavior consistently harms the relationship, consider seeking therapy or reevaluating the relationship.Final ThoughtsMarriage and intimate relationships involve navigating various challenges and dynamics.Clear communication, mutual respect, and honest dialogue are essential for a fulfilling and healthy relationship.Seek support and resources to address issues and build a stronger partnership
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RESOURCES:Resources: Kobe’s book: Why Am I Like This?: How to Break Cycles, Heal from Trauma, and Restore Your FaithDwell Bible App
In this episode, Kobe explores the intersection of prayer, therapy, and setting boundaries in the journey of healing from relational wounds and trauma. Drawing from personal and professional experiences, Kobe shares insights and practical tools to empower listeners in their healing journey.
Prayer as a Healing Practice:
Importance of Prayer: Prayer serves as a foundational practice in connecting with God and seeking emotional and spiritual healing.Prayer in Daily Life: Kobe shares personal experiences where prayer has been pivotal in navigating challenges and finding peace amidst turmoil.Spiritual Insights and Healing:
Learning from Elijah: Elijah's journey in 1 Kings 19, is where God provided resources for endurance rather than immediate escape from suffering.Price of Righteousness: Doing the right thing does not always lead to immediate positive outcomes, yet God provides strength and resources for those who persevere.Benefits of Therapy and Coaching:
Perspective Beyond Pain: Therapy and coaching offer insights outside one's immediate suffering, essential for moving beyond trauma.Healing Responsibility: While not responsible for the initial wounds, individuals are accountable for their healing journey.Questioning for Growth: Asking oneself questions is pivotal for healing, acknowledging there are answers beyond current understanding.Setting Boundaries and Biblical Perspective:
Importance of Boundaries: Setting boundaries is biblical and mirrors God's design for relationships, fostering mutual respect and safety.Misconceptions: Boundaries are not about punishment but safeguarding conditions for personal thriving and mutual respect.Breath Prayer for Healing:
Kobe shares a breath prayer exercise as a contemplative practice, combining deep breathing with a prayerful connection to God's presence. -
RESOURCES:
Leslie's Free Webinar: www.leslievernick.com/oDomestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-SAFELeslie Vernick’s book: The Emotionally Destructive MarriageIn this episode of Relationship Truth: Unfiltered, Julie Sedenko and Leslie Vernick delve into the concept of "core strength" and its critical importance for women navigating destructive relationships. This episode is designed for any woman who feels she may be in a harmful relationship, offering practical insights on how to build and use core strength in everyday life, whether she chooses to stay or leave.
Understanding Core Strength:
Leslie shares her personal journey of realizing the importance of core strength, not just physically but emotionally and spiritually. She introduces the concept with a metaphor of physical fitness, explaining how just as a strong core prevents physical collapse, emotional core strength prevents women from collapsing under the weight of a destructive relationship.Core Strength Components:
Courageously Committed to Truth: Living in reality, not denial, and embracing the truth even when it's difficult.Open to the Holy Spirit and Wise Others: The importance of being teachable and surrounding oneself with wisdom rather than just strong opinions.Taking Responsibility: Understanding personal responsibility for one’s safety, well-being, and character development without shifting blame.Empathy with Boundaries: Balancing compassion with the necessity of setting boundaries that protect against enabling destructive behavior.Practical Applications:
Leslie and Julie explore practical scenarios where core strength is applied, including handling disagreements about finances, asserting one's needs, and setting boundaries with a controlling or abusive partner.They discuss the importance of detachment and how women can maintain their emotional and spiritual well-being despite external pressures from a difficult partner.Facing Reality and Fear:
The episode addresses the fear of confronting harsh realities, like leaving an abusive situation or facing the consequences of setting boundaries. Leslie emphasizes the need to acknowledge fear but not let it dictate actions.Building a Safety Plan:
The importance of having a safety plan is discussed for women who find themselves in physically dangerous situations. Resources and steps to create a safety plan are provided.Wise Counsel and Discernment:
How to discern between wise advice and manipulative counsel, especially in a church setting. The importance of aligning advice with the true character of God, as revealed through Jesus, is highlighted. -
RESOURCESJust Enough Light for the Step I'm On: Trusting God in the Tough Times by Stormie OMartianEmotionally Destructive Marriage by Leslie VernickQuick Start Guide: www.leslievernick.com/startDomestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-7233 (SAFE)
Reflecting on the Past
Laura talks about her hard memories of the marriage bed and how she took time after leaving her marriage to observe how others interacted in their marriages. She realized that healthy relationships exist and had to rewrite the script in her mind about what is normal and healthy.
Challenging the Spouse
Laura describes how challenging her husband or saying no would lead to either being ignored, receiving a different storyline, or being told she was wrong. She mentions how this would escalate to character assassination, erasing what she thought and wanted, making her feel she had to go along with what he did.
Hitting the Wall
As her kids got older, financial troubles and unstable work for her husband added to the stress. Three occasions in four months where her husband physically hit her were pivotal. After the first incident, she contacted the church, seeking accountability, but it led to no meaningful support. Her husband never acknowledged his actions.
Lack of Support and Apologies
Laura shares how her husband never apologized or acknowledged the abuse, often claiming that incidents never happened or were accidental.
Physical and Emotional Abuse
Laura explains why she did not call the police, mentioning her fear of creating a bigger mess and the belief that any report would lead to someone going to jail. She learned the importance of documentation and how having a case number could have helped her later.
Fear and Control
Laura recounts another incident where her husband shoved her out of bed, leading her to scream for help. She didn't call the police, fearing the consequences. Her husband continued to downplay and dismiss her concerns.
Finding Leslie Vernick
After these incidents, Laura tried one more round of counseling. Seeing her husband act cruelly towards his mother was a turning point. A friend recommended Leslie Vernick's book, which gave her the words to explain her experiences and recognize the patterns of abuse.
Joining Conquer
Laura joined Conquer in 2017. Leslie's teachings and the supportive community were a godsend. She learned about her identity in Christ and how to have healthy relationships, which helped her grow and heal.
Grieving and Healing
Leaving a 32-year marriage involved a grief process for Laura. Time and counseling have been healing. She had to intentionally remember the good times and not vilify her ex. Now, she can pray for him and look forward to advancing God's kingdom in her life.
Moving Forward and Dating Again
After seven years of being divorced, Laura is cautiously open to a new relationship. She approaches it differently, being mindful and keeping other people engaged. She remains true to herself and looks for mutual engagement and respect.
Conclusion
Laura encourages women in similar situations to see their own beauty and courage. She advises focusing on personal health and taking steps towards independence. Empowering oneself and one's children towards Christ and their own identity is crucial.
Encouragement and Next Steps
Laura emphasizes the importance of focusing on individual wellness and taking the next right step. She suggests creating a safety plan and being around supportive people who will speak life into you.
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Resources:
Dr. Henry Cloud’s new book: "Why I Believe" Online platform with courses by Dr. CloudDr. Cloud's book, Necessary EndingsLeslie's Quick Start Guide: Find out if you're in a destructive relationshipIn today's episode, Leslie Vernick sits down with Dr. Henry Cloud, the acclaimed leadership expert, clinical psychologist, and best-selling author known for his influential books "Boundaries" and "Necessary Endings." With over 45 years of experience, Dr. Cloud has helped millions integrate faith and psychology into their lives.
In this enlightening conversation, Leslie and Dr. Cloud discuss his newest book, "Why I Believe," a deeply personal narrative that diverges from his usual clinical and business-focused writings. This book delves into Dr. Cloud’s journey of faith, his childhood experiences, and the profound moments that shaped his spiritual beliefs.
Key Points:
Introduction to Dr. Henry Cloud: Leslie introduces Dr. Cloud, highlighting his significant contributions through his books and his integration of faith and psychology. Dr. Cloud's credentials: best-selling author, leadership expert, and clinical psychologist with over 45 years of experience.
The Motivation Behind "Why I Believe": Dr. Cloud shares the impetus for writing a book about his faith journey at this point in his life. Initial intention to create a small pamphlet for his friends, which evolved into a full-fledged book due to the widespread need among Christians to share their faith.
Dr. Cloud’s Personal Faith Journey: Growing up in a Southern Methodist home with a faith that was real but not front and center. His struggles with depression and a turning point during his college years when he earnestly sought God.
Miraculous Experiences: Dr. Cloud recounts miraculous experiences, including finding a pastor’s house through divine guidance and the profound moment of feeling God’s presence in his car. How these experiences affirmed his belief in God despite not immediately curing his depression.
Intellectual Obstacles and Resolution: Addressing intellectual challenges such as the existence of suffering and the relationship between science and scripture. Dr. Cloud’s deep dive into various scientific fields and his conclusion that there is no conflict between science and the Bible when approached without atheistic presuppositions.
Integration of Psychology and Scripture: Dr. Cloud’s perspective on how psychological science validates biblical teachings. The inclusion of personal miracle stories in his book to illustrate the tangible impact of faith.
The Problem of Evil and Suffering: Leslie and Dr. Cloud address the age-old question: If God is good and real, why does He allow suffering, especially the suffering of innocent people? Dr. Cloud explains that the root cause lies in the concept of free will. God created humans with the freedom to love Him or reject Him, and this freedom extends to all human actions, including harmful ones.
The Nature of Love and Freedom: Love cannot exist without freedom. Just as in human relationships, love must be freely given and received; otherwise, it is not true love. God set boundaries to guide humans, but the freedom to choose remains, leading to both good and evil actions.
God’s Foreknowledge and Plan: While God knew the potential for evil, He also prepared a plan for redemption through Jesus Christ, even before the foundation of the world. The presence of evil and suffering is part of the larger narrative of freedom and redemption.
God’s Presence in Suffering: Dr. Cloud shares a powerful testimony of a man who envisioned Jesus taking his place during a beating from his father, illustrating that Jesus deeply empathizes with our suffering. Jesus’ identification with our pain and His presence in our suffering provides a profound sense of comfort and solidarity.
Addressing Intellectual and Emotional Challenges: Dr. Cloud acknowledges that intellectual answers often fall short of providing emotional satisfaction when it comes to understanding suffering. He emphasizes the importance of trusting in God’s infinite love and wisdom, even when we cannot comprehend His ways fully.
Role of the Church and Community: The importance of the church’s role in standing against abuse and supporting victims. Dr. Cloud critiques the misuse of scripture to justify abusive relationships and encourages victims to seek help from compassionate and understanding leaders.
Empowerment and Responsibility: God has delegated the responsibility to humans to act against evil and support those in need. Encouragement for individuals and communities to step up and make a difference in the lives of those who are suffering.
Encouragement for Victims: Dr. Cloud offers heartfelt advice to victims of abuse, emphasizing the importance of seeking safety and help. He highlights the significance of finding supportive communities and leaders who will stand against abuse and provide the necessary support.
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RESOURCES:Leslie's Quick Start Guide - find out if you're in a destructive marriage
Today, we’re tackling a big question: Is your marriage dead or alive? We’ll break down how to tell if your relationship is thriving, in trouble, or maybe somewhere in between. We’ll talk about what regular upkeep looks like for a healthy marriage and how to handle the heavy-duty repairs when things go south. Whether you’re dealing with minor bumps or major cracks, we’ve got tips and insights to help you figure out the next steps. So, grab a coffee, settle in, and let’s get real about your relationship!
Understanding Marriage Maintenance:
The Importance of Regular Upkeep: Examples of MaintenanceThe Necessity of Repair Work:
Identifying Major IssuesReal-Life Stories and Lessons:
Repair StrategiesThe Role of Accountability and Self-Reflection:
Taking ResponsibilityEffective Repair MeasuresWhen Effort is Lopsided:
Balancing EffortAccepting Reality:
Facing Hard Truths:Healthy Acceptance:Maintaining a marriage requires ongoing effort and understanding the difference between routine maintenance and addressing significant issues. Recognizing when to repair versus maintain and accepting the reality of the situation can lead to healthier outcomes, whether it means rejuvenating the relationship or making a tough decision to move forward separately.
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