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Dr. Wesley Detwiler is a licensed Clinical Psychologist practicing in California and he works closely with the LGBTQ+ community and those suffering from addiction and complex trauma. In this episode, Dr. Wesley talks about what sex positive really means when you are in sobriety. He also talks about how the community itself can ostracize men who are seeking recovery, and he also discusses how many men are unaware of the risks of sex and porn addiction when trying to get sober from drugs.
TAKEAWAYS:
[1:50] A little bit about Dr. Wesley.
[3:20] Dr. Wesley personally struggled with a drug addiction and he knew he had to get sober in order for him to be a successful psychologist.
[4:45] How does Dr. Wesley define sobriety?
[9:25] Everyone has an underlying need for connection.
[11:15] A lot of gay men feel like theyâre damaged goods.
[12:15] How are we using sex to value or devalue ourselves?
[17:15] As a community, we can end up ostracizing the very people who need your help the most.
[18:30] Itâs not a âthemâ problem, this is a âweâ problem.
[20:20] What does it really mean to be âsex positiveâ in sobriety?
[23:35] We need to dive deeper and really explore what intimacy and sex really means to the individual.
RESOURCES:
Detwilerpsychology.com
QUOTES:
âI didnât have the tools to âadultâ properly. I didnât have the glue that would stick all those things together in a meaningful or positive way.â
âFor anyone struggling to get sober, do not give up. Sobriety is achievable. The only thing you canât do is give up.â
âAs a community, thereâs work we can do around having a more healthy concept of what healthy sex is.â
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Dr. David Fawcett, the author of Lust, Men, and Meth, has a conversation with the translator of the book, Karl-Anton Gerber, discussing how this project came about, his own story, and the chemsex scene in Germany.
German title: Lust, Rausch und Crystal Meth: Wege aus dem Chemsex-Konsum bei MSM
TAKEAWAYS:
[1:50] A little bit about Karl.
[3:20] Karl shares his introduction to drugs and how it has affected his life.
[7:10] Karl is HIV+ and shares how he first found out the news.
[9:10] Dr. David understands where Karl is coming from. For many gay men, they feel like âdamaged goods.â
[9:40] What made Karl change his lifestyle and get clean?
[12:45] Karl shares how this book, Lust, Men, and Meth, changed his life.
[16:15] There are no reliable chemsex studies in Germany.
[20:00] Why did Karl decide to modify his foreword in the German version of his book?
RESOURCES:
Amazon link to German edition: https://tinyurl.com/bdhhj7n2
QUOTES:
âI had to admit I had a problem. That was the starting point to getting out of addiction.â
âMy stable life and [the drugs] were separate, but when I was driving down the German highway, there was a little window between those two universes and I couldnât hide any longer.â
âThese new psychoactive substances are really scary. Theyâre just chemicals someone put together somewhere and now are selling it on the dark web.â
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Carol Teitelbaum is a Marriage & Family Therapist and has been a licensed Therapist since 1985. Carol comes on the show to talk about abuse that has happened to our young boys and how this problem is still minimized in todayâs society. She shares some common myths people have about men and abuse and how thereâs a deep silence in the community for these men. She discusses the upcoming âIt Happens to Boysâ conference.
TAKEAWAYS:
[2:30] A little bit about Carol.
[2:40] Letâs talk about our boys. What happens to boys?
[3:20] Men do not get over sexual abuse. Men do not just âget over itâ.
[6:30] Men have been told since they were little that they donât have feelings.
[8:00] What myths are out there about boys and sexual abuse?
[9:10] Abuse is not about sex. Itâs about power.
[11:00] Women abuse boys! Boys get very little empathy when theyâve been abused by a woman.
[15:40] Sexual intimacy goes way beyond just âputting it inâ.
[21:00] How does Carol help someone who has been abused open up?
[25:50] What does the healing journey look like for men?
[29:50] Whatâs the difference between anger and rage?
[30:35] Letâs talk about the Creative Change Conference.
RESOURCES:
Creativechangeconferences.com
Menhealing.org
QUOTES:
âPeople still think boys canât be abused.â
âMen who do not just get over it. Men who donât get help or start their healing process, they rage because of all the emotions that they tucked away.â
âIâve heard men say, âIf you really knew who I was, youâd think Iâm disgusting.â Itâs because theyâve been abused.â
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Ignacio Labayen De Inza is the CEO of Controlling Chemsex, an organization that provides chemsex support to people living in the UK. Ignacio has personally struggled with chemsex himself and understands how lonely and isolating the journey to recovery can be. This is why heâs been working in this field since 2008 to help those struggling with addiction and their relationship to sex. In this episode, Ignacio explains how severe the chemsex problem is in the UK from someone who is on the ground.
TAKEAWAYS:
[2:30] A little bit about Ignacio and his life story.
[5:15] Ignacio struggled with his relationship with drugs and all he wanted to do was get himself back on track and onto a healthier path.
[10:50] Covid made it difficult for Ignacio to continue his work with Grindr.
[12:30] Why do people use drugs to help with their sex life?
[19:00] Sex addiction is just a syndrome to a bigger problem.
[21:50] Ignacio has applied for funding to further help the community.
[23:30] What kind of trends has Ignacio been seeing happening in the UK?
[26:20] Thereâs misinformation everywhere and as the problem gets worse, the stigma continues further.
[30:00] Chemsex is a problem everywhere, not just in the UK.
RESOURCES:
Controllingchemsex.com
Ignacio on LinkedIn
QUOTES:
âLots of people can not pay for private therapy. We are aware of that. All the services that we are providing are free of charge.â âWe are applying for money. Times are not easy, we have a recession, but we have to fight.â âWhat weâre seeing, the chemsex reality is much worse. The problem gets worse but the stigma remains.â -
Kenya Hutton has dedicated close to 20 years to working in social justice, equity, HIV prevention, and the facilitation of behavioral interventions among communities heavily impacted by HIV in NYC and Washington, DC. In this episode, Kenya talks about the Ballroom community and how it has been a stable for many LGBTQ+ members for decades now. He explains a little bit of the history and what heâs doing to persevere the history that Ballroom has been to many people who have been shunned by their own families based on who they are.
TAKEAWAYS:
[2:00] A little about Kenya and his advocacy work.
[4:25] Why is Kenya so passionate about HIV prevention work?
[6:35] What is the Ballroom Community about?
[11:50] Ballroom has taught Kenya how to advocate for himself. Ballroom was a big force of strength for him and for many LGBTQ+ members.
[18:10] What is the age limit for Ballroom?
[22:15] Ballroom is a place for many children who have been kicked out of their homes for being who they are.
[24:30] There are Ballroom chapters all over the world!
[25:00] With Ballroom growing so rapidly, what are some of Kenyaâs fears?
RESOURCES:
Capitalpride.org/team_members/kenya-hutton
Kenya on LinkedIn
Centerforblackequity.org
BallroomCouncil on Facebook
QUOTES:
âI remember myself being a young queer person feeling like I was the only one. Ballroom is what showed me that there was a whole world out there.â âIâm happy that itâs expanding, but I am hoping we can continue that the core tenants of Ballroom is still upheld as a community.â âPeople think weâve gone so far and that we donât need this stuff anymore, but the moment we get rid of it, youâll realize how much you really needed it.â -
Richard L. Zaldivar has been on the forefront of the fight against HIV/AIDs in the latino and LGBTQ community. His non-profit, The Wall Las Memorias Project, is making important social impacts in Los Angeles, California. Under the project, Richard and team were able to create the nationâs first publicly funded AIDs monument in the US., the first ever AIDs awareness day at the Dodgerâs stadium, and they are a strong advocate in the fight against crystal meth.
TAKEAWAYS:
[3:00] A little bit about The Wall Las Memorias Project
[4:00] There was so much stigma about HIV back in 1983. Richard has worked hard to change that.
[4:15] What were some of the challenges LGBTQ Latinos experienced?
[6:20] What is the monument that The Wall Las Memorias Project built and why was this so important to the Latino community?
[7:30] Anyone anywhere in the world can submit a name to the wall. You donât have to be Latino.
[8:30] A lot of LGBTQ communities shy away from faith or religious aspects, but Richard was purposeful in including it.
[9:45] So many Latinos have been broken by religious discrimination.
[10:30] In the very early days of the Project, Richard had a catholic priest serve on the board. A lot of members were upset about this.
[14:00] Richard shares a little bit about his background and how he knew that this work was his path.
[17:00] Meth drug abuse has been rampant in LA communities.
[21:40] So many LGBTQ members feel disrespected whenever they walk into a treatment clinic.
[24:20] You have to have a holistic approach when it comes to these communities. Many therapists and drug rehab specialists are not trained on these subtle nuances.
[27:10] Richard is concerned about HIV support staff. Theyâre understaffed and on the verge of burnout.
RESOURCES:
Thewalllasmemorias.org/home
About Richard
QUOTES:
âWeâve been able to build an organization that addresses not only the LGBTQ community, but also the latino community, and underserved communities in the areas of HIV, substance use, mental health prevention, and community and leadership development.â âIâm a recovering alcoholic so spirituality was already there, but I had a tremendous faith in my God that never left me.â âIn LA, weâre looking at increases of Fentanyl and Meth, which becomes deadly. A number of folks have died from that. The issue is very complex and political.â -
Steven Davidson is a licensed Clinical Social Worker and Certified Sex Therapist in Fort Lauderdale. He is known as the Sexual Integrity Coach and has over 30 years of experience working with couples. He is also the author of Sexual Integrity. In this week's episode, Steven shares why it's so important to communicate your actual desires instead of keeping them secret from your partner. When Steven coaches men addicted to chemsex, he understands an underlying problem goes beyond the drugs; they're struggling with connection, intimacy, and bonding. Find out more on this week's episode.
TAKEAWAYS:
[1:40] How does Steven define sexual integrity?
[3:15] Sexualty doesnât just happen at puberty. It develops throughout our early childhood.
[5:30] There was a lot of toxic messaging around same sex attraction and it brings a lot o shame for those who fall under the LGBTQ+ umbrella.
[7:20] Today, things are a little bit more open in how people can express their sexuality, but the work is still not done.
[10:05] Did you know that it wasn't until 1967 that people of different races could marry each other?
[13:20] Chemsex is unfortunately much more prevalent in Florida than in Tennessee.
[16:35] Steven helps men define what their sexual preferences are, and uncover why they feel they need to be 'under the influence' in order to enjoy it.
[20:45] Sex is a big part of how we connect with other people and how we bond with other people. In order for us to really connect, we have to be honest about our own kinks, fetishes, and desires.
[24:20] Couples often keep secrets from each other about the bedroom and what they like. They're afraid of talking about it. Steven helps remove that stigma.
[27:15] We are not good at repressing our sexual drives, and being in denial doesn't stop our desires.
RESOURCES:
Drstevendavidson.com
Steven on LinkedIn
https://www.facebook.com/dr.davidson.sexintegrity
QUOTES:
âFor me, integrity is about being authentic, transparent, walking your talk, and being honest. Sexual integrity is about being honest about who you are as a sexual being and being respectful of who other people are.â âIn childhood, we don't really think of children as sexual beings, but our sexuality starts forming in utero. In utero, there are things that are happening that influence our gender and our sexual orientation.â âSexuality is innate. It's not something that's avoidable. We're designed to be sexual beings.â -
Today we have three guests on the show. Dr. Stefanie Carnes is the President of the International Institute for Trauma and Addiction Professionals (IITAP), Kristina Padilla is the Vice President of Education & Strategic Development as well as the Chief Academic Officer for California Consortium of Addiction Programs and Professionals (CCAPP), and Randall McDaniel works as the Digital Media Coordinator and Community Manager for IITAPâs Rainbow Program.
In this weekâs episode, youâll hear our three guests talk about some of the benefits of IITAPâs new educational rainbow program and why itâs perfect for those who want to understand their clientsâ sexuality better, equip themselves to improve their support for the clients they serve, or just to be a better ally to the LGBTQIA2+ community in general. Find out more on this weekâs show!
TAKEAWAYS:
[0:45] A little bit about todayâs three guests! Dr. Stefanie, Kristina, and Randall.
[4:00] Dr. Stefanie talks about IITAPand their new Rainbow Advocate Program.
[6:30] Unfortunately, a lot of therapists feel really unprepared to work with the LGBTQIA2++ community. Thereâs just not enough resources out there for them.
[8:10] Who is eligible to attend and be part of the Rainbow Advocate Program?
[10:55] Kristina shares why this program is important to the community and additional info on who can benefit from a program like this.
[12:30] For a lot of people, the terminology is not intuitive and/or easy to remember. Itâs important we educate not only the public, but ourselves, on why these things matter.
[15:00] Those who have lived through the AIDS epidemic are becoming retriggered once again with whatâs going on with COVID. The thought of dying alone and being in isolation like some of their friends did in the 80s is very traumatic and triggering.
[16:20] How does this program address shame and stigma? Dr. Stefanie shares her thoughts.
[19:35] Itâs important to everybody working on the Rainbow Advocate Program to make it a safe place for students to explore their own sexuality and ask questions.
[20:05] Kristina shares what sheâs most excited about the program.
[20:35] This program addresses cultural issues and the historical trauma Native Americans have and have experienced.
[21:40] What does this program mean to Randall?
[24:00] How do you take this course?
[26:15] Interested in becoming a Certified Rainbow Advocate? Randall offers information on how to apply.
[28:10] Our three guests offer some final thoughts and insights on what you need to know about this program and why itâs so useful in todayâs world.
RESOURCES:
Iitap.com
Randall on IITAP
Stefanie on IITAP
Certifiedrainbowadvocate.com
Ccapp.us
Kristina on LinkedIn
QUOTES:
âOh my god, this is happening again. Dying alone, dying in isolation, being sick, and not knowing how you got it. It has a huge impact on people.â âEverybodyâs so caught up on these body parts when transitioning, but thereâs a transition of hair, clothes, everything. We are excited to put out proper terminology.â âThis is not just another quick course in terms of how to recognize what these letters mean. Itâs so much more than that. This is personal. Whoever takes this course can really benefit from that.â -
Jeff Berry and Derrick Mapp are both long-time survivors of HIV. They are advocates in their community and work for HIV organizations to help other persons living with HIV find normalcy in their lives. Their mission is to reduce the stigma of HIV. In this weekâs episode, youâll learn about Shanti Project and The Reunion Project, and how these organizations support and bring people together in the local community for deeper connection and love.
TAKEAWAYS:
[1:55] Jeff Berry shares that he has been living with HIV since 1989. He's been working in Chicago for different HIV awareness organizations throughout his career.
[2:35] Derrick Map introduces himself as a long-time survivor living with HIV since 1995. Heâs currently living in San Francisco and working for Shanti Project, an HIV organization.
[3:25] Shanti project is a legacy HIV organization that started during the 70s.
[4:35] What is the definition of long-term HIV survivor?
[5:35] Just living and surviving is not enough. We must look back, reflect, and address the long-term issues that these marginalized groups are facing.
[7:35]The impact of having to live with HIV and being told you are going to die soon affects anyoneâs mental health.
[8:15] Derrick talks about his experience at The Reunion Project. There are gaps within the HIV+ community.
[12:10] The Reunion Project helps people who are still struggling. They created town halls that help community members connect with more people.
[14:25] When people come together and share collective stories, it gives people another perspective of life and hope that they are not alone.
[16:55] People are hungry for information, it's like an appetizer. The meal is where people come together to build connections with one another.
[19:05] Being able to receive support as well as give support has been vital.
[20:40] Long-time survivors are often silent about their experience and what they are feeling or going through.
[23:35] The trauma of an HIV diagnosis today is likely not at the same level as survivors who have lived with this disease for more than 20 years.
[25:55] How do we expand and keep being responsive to the community that we are committed to?
[26:45] In California, the governor is signing the HIV and AGING act. What does this mean for the community?
RESOURCES:
https://www.tpan.com/reunion-project
Shanti.org
Tpan.com
Jeff Berry on Twitter
Derrick Mapp on LinkedIn
The Reunion Project on Twitter
The Reunion Project on Facebook
Email [email protected]
QUOTES:
âAnyone who has self-identified as a longtime survivor is in fact a long-time survivor.â âPeople are hungry for information, it's almost like an appetizer that opens to the meal. The meal is the connection that people get with one another.â âThe wounded healers are out there doing the work but are also a part of the work.â -
Adam Nathan Schultz is a massage therapist, yoga teacher, endurance running, and former chemsex user. Christopher Tearno is a nurse practitioner who has clinical experience with infectious diseases. Today, our two guests talk about the importance of connection to the body and rediscovering what your body -really- feels like after the use of drugs. Many providers focus just on thoughts and feelings but listening to and taking care of our bodies will deepen recovery and reduce risk of relapse.
TAKEAWAYS:
[2:35] Christopher shares how he got involved in this field.
[6:10] How did Adam get into this field?
[8:55] Adam tried everything to find his path to recovery.
[12:00] Christopher has seen that the sexual desires often get missed when trying to approach recovery.
[13:20] Why do people relapse? Christopher shares his experiences.
[16:45] You have to address all areas of someoneâs life if you want to see recovery, and that includes their relationship with sex and addiction.
[17:10] Adam is a trauma survivor and has struggled with his own trauma for many years.
[19:30] How do you have a successful recovery?
[22:45] Adam tries to create âimpatienceâ within his classes to help his students practice being present.
[27:00] Connecting with your body is a much more sustainable way to recover from chemsex use.
RESOURCES:
Bodyquake.nl
Breathing space yoga
Email Christopher: [email protected]
QUOTES:
âI remember seeing those really scary ads on the bus stop. The tweaker ads with the crazy photos. It was just a big scare tactic.â âYou need to get past seeing someone as a patient, and seeing them as a person.â âYou just need to get clean and sober, and then the sex will take care of itself. It didnât.â âWe seek pleasure to mask the pain.â -
Todd Love is a therapist and counselor, who was previously a DUI Defense Attorney and in the IT sector. He specializes in ADHD, addiction recovery, and more. As someone who has ADHD himself, Todd understands that it can be a particularly lethal combo to have ADHD and an addiction. Find out more about some of the symptoms of ADHD and how it ties into addiction in this weekâs episode.
TAKEAWAYS:
[1:35] How did Todd get his start as a counselor?
[4:15] A little bit of insight into ADHD and how itâs diagnosed.
[7:45] What is the relationship between ADHD and addiction?
[10:15] Todd shares some stats about children with ADHD and its connection to addiction later in adult life.
[11:35] Cannabis users combined with ADHD struggle with motivation and keeping their life on track.
[16:00] Are people self-medicating to try to bring their lives back into focus?
[19:40] Is Adderall a good âstudyâ drug? The research says no.
[20:35] How can someone determine whether they have ADHD?
[22:50] Are there ADHD medications out there that are helpful?
[23:20] Enough sleep is key to helping build regularity in your routines, and to your ADHD.
[26:30] What are the effects of some of these drugs on children?
RESOURCES:
Doctoddlove.com
Nyulangone.org/files/psych_adhd_checklist_0.pdf
QUOTES:
âWhat is addiction? Impulsivity, inability to delay gratification, novelty-seeking, and you can overlay that completely with ADHD.â âThe research has shown that 15-25% of adults and 50-60% with substance use disorder have ADHD. I think thatâs an outdated statistic. Iâm hearing 50% of adults in treatment programs are there with undiagnosed ADHD.â âADHD stimulant medications are the safest medicine in psychiatry, and in some ways, overall.â âADHD is particularly responsive to interruptions in sleep.â -
Dean Buckley is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and Certified Sex Addiction Therapist Candidate focusing on sex addiction, intimacy disorders, substance abuse, and healthy sex. Dean shares what kind of things heâs been seeing lately when it comes to his clients and navigating the pandemic. A lot of people have relapsed due to Covid and Dean explores better ways to support people in need and their recovery journey in this weekâs episode.
TAKEAWAYS:
[1:05] We are unfortunately seeing a lot of relapses happening during Covid.
[2:45] What has Dean been seeing currently with peopleâs mental health and addiction?
[5:00] Itâs very hard to separate your addiction from work life.
[6:00] One would expect alcohol rates to be less with the bars closed, but itâs not.
[7:10] What have been the differences in the east coast vs. west coast when it comes to drugs, addiction, and relapse during the pandemic?
[9:00] People are losing the in-person connection and accountability. Online meetings just donât have the same impact.
[13:15] Dr. David has recognized that his emotional bandwidth is a lot shorter now with everything going on. Dean also agrees.
[18:05] Dean has lost a couple of people this year and there has not been enough opportunity to gather and grieve with your community.
[19:25] Reach out to somebody every day. One call saves two lives.
[22:25] Despite how awful the pandemic has been, there have been some blessings.
[24:55] What advice does Dean have for the LGBTQ community?
[27:25] Final words of wisdom with Dean on how to survive this marathon of a pandemic.
RESOURCES:
Deanreedbuckley.com
QUOTES:
âItâs so hard to separate your addiction from work life when youâre sitting at home in front of screens, which are hugely triggering for a lot of people.â âThereâs a lot of resistance to going online. Zoom meetings just donât have the same impact for them.â âAddiction is isolation and sobriety is community. Weâve seen that in action with this great social experiment.â âWe may not go back to the way we functioned before, so working with a therapist online is not a bad substitute.â -
Lulu Cook is a dietitian, counselor, and nutrition therapist. When one of her loved ones identified as transgender and began to transition, she looked high and wide to find food resources to help them through their journey and better fuel their body. She couldnât find any information! Today, Lulu educates how the LGBTQ community is underserved in this area and some of the food concerns you need to think about if youâre in recovery or transitioning into a new body.
TAKEAWAYS:
[1:45] Are the nutritional/food needs of the LGBTQ community really that much different from the hetero community?
[5:30] Disordered eating and body dissatisfaction are huge in lesbian, gay, and trans populations.
[6:15] Gay men struggle with aging. They often feel invisible as they get older.
[8:55] The overall message you get as an LGBTQ member is that youâre not normal, and thatâs not okay.
[9:40] When it comes to drug addiction and recovery, Lulu shares some of the challenges people might be facing when it comes to getting the right nutrients.
[14:45] What foods should you be eating when youâre in recovery?
[20:15] How can we speed up the healing of the dopamine receptors?
[23:15] Lulu couldnât find any information about diet and nutrition for trans people undergoing a transition. However, she sheds some light into what health risks you need to think about when undergoing hormonal therapy.
[26:35] Unfortunately thereâs still a lack of research on the health risks of hormonal therapy.
[27:30] Whatâs Luluâs latest book about?
[29:45] Interested in queer health? Please consider signing up for a study conducted by the University of California at San Francisco.
RESOURCES:
Lulucook.com
Pridestudy.org
QUOTES:
âWhen our dopamine receptors are inpaired due to substances, it impairs our ability to assess hunger and the reward value we get from eating.â âSome of the side effects of hormonal therapy are changes of body composition, weight gain, blood lipid values, bone composition is also likely to change.â âTrans men, F to M, are likely to have increased risks for lipid values/blood fat values, higher risks for cardiovascular disease, hypertension and type 2 diabetes.â âTrans women, M to F, who are on estrogen therapy, have higher risks of different kinds of embolisms and strokes, as well as high hypertension and type 2 diabetes.â -
Jesus Aguais Founded Aid for AIDS International with the idea of collecting unused and unexpired HIV medication and sending it to HIV+ people in low-income countries who do not have access to these medications. Originally from Venezuela, Jesus moved to New York City in 1989 and has been involved in AIDS advocacy groups since then. Today, he shares what his organization is doing to help our brothers and sisters outside of the U.S. who have no voice.
TAKEAWAYS:
[1:45] What is Aid for AIDS about?
[6:35] Jesusâs story is a powerful reminder that one person can make a difference.
[11:10] Jesus not only is collecting excess HIV medication and sending it abroad to low income countries, but he's now started to do it for cancer medicine as well.
[12:45] Yes, we are lucky to live in the United States, but weâre part of a larger community.
[18:45] A woman living with HIV in Egypt has no voice. The same is true with a gay man living with HIV in Guatemala. So many countries still have stigma that you have HIV because youâre a sinner.
[19:30] Itâs just as important to give support to these people so that they can heal from social stigma. Theyâre not bad people. Theyâre good people who deserve love.
[22:00] Jesus shares how his program has impacted and benefitted highschoolers. It was deployed in 8 Latin American countries and it reached over a million youth.
[24:10] Aid for AIDS is the number one provider of HIV medicines to migrants in Colombia.
[27:25] How can you help? If you have unused, unexpired medicine, please donate it to Aid for AIDS.
RESOURCES:
Aidforaids.org
QUOTES:
âIt goes beyond providing HIV meds, what is important is working on helping that person heal themself, finding tools to know that theyâre loving human beings. Theyâre just a victim of a false belief system.â âThereâs almost 5 million Venezuelan refugees in Latin America, so we provide services for them. We are the number one provider of HIV medicine to migrants in Colombia.â âEvery bottle of medicine will save somebodyâs life in a low-income country around the world.â âWe have so many things here in the US that we donât know that bottle of medicine, someone is dying someplace in the world because they donât have it. You will save somebodyâs life.â -
Eddie Capparucci specializes in treating sexual and pornography addictions and is also the author of the new book, âGoing Deeper: How the Inner Child Impacts Your Sexual Addiction.â In this episode, Eddie explains the 9 inner children a lot of men face, some of the common triggers, what to do when your inner child comes up, and how to make changes for the better.
TAKEAWAYS:
[0:45] A little bit about Eddie and the work that he does.
[2:55] What is the Inner Child Recovery process all about?
[5:40] When you understand why sex has a stronghold in your life, you become empowered to make a change.
[8:05] Eddie shares an example of how certain events can trigger your inner child.
[11:35] There are 9 different types of inner children.[17:15] For a lot of men, understanding their inner child unlocks a lot of understanding that other therapists could not help them with.
[19:25] Now that you know what your inner child is, what do you do when it becomes activated?
[24:25] The key to all of this insight is mindfulness. What does that look like?
RESOURCES:
Abundantlifecounselingga.com
QUOTES:
âThe inner child only wants one thing. Only one thing. Comfort. For the men I work with, that comfort they found in sexual activity.â âThe child is stuck in this time warp where he is running just based on emotional thinking.â âWhen I become mindful and am able to recognize whatâs going on around me, how can I help those who I love, then we wind up growing. Thatâs growth.â âI need my clients to be mindful because I need them to be aware of their triggers that happen, but also be mindful of the fact itâs not all about them.â -
Mark Anthony Lord is a spiritual teacher and helps the LGBTQ community get in touch with their spiritual side. As a gay man, Mark Anthony was told all his life that he was unloveable and that God hated him. However, Mark Anthony decided he wasnât going to let that narrative control him anymore. He wanted to be connected to a higher power, he wanted to be spiritual, which is why he decided to redefine his relationship with God.
TAKEAWAYS:
[2:00] A little bit about Mark Anthony and the work that he does.
[3:25] Mark Anthony is a gay man with a spiritual and religious background and understands the struggles the gay community has with God and religion.
[5:05] Mark Anthony was 25 when he ended up in a private treatment center in Canada.
[6:30] Mark Anthony spent years re-defining his relationship with God.
[9:25] If you want a spiritual life, itâs absolutely available to you. It can be very personal to you.
[11:40] If youâre not connected with your own spirit or yourself, how can you be connected with others?
[13:35] What happens if you believe youâre damaged goods?
[17:50] Mark Anthony offers some self-care tips to help you break out of this âdamaged goodsâ thinking.
[20:05] Forgiveness is very misunderstood.
[23:50] Just like you donât just go to the gym once and forget about it once, the same applies to forgiveness.
RESOURCES:
Markanthonylord.me
Mark Anthony on Instagram
QUOTES:
âWe canât turn to God for love and support because the one I was told about didnât want me and didnât like me.â âMy spirituality made me face [my damaged goods narrative] and go, is that true? Hell no!â "There is so much pain around forgiveness and one of the things is we think weâre the ones that do it.â âYour higher powerâs job is to make forgiveness happen and your job is to activate it and keep practicing it.â -
Carol Teitelbaum is a Licensed Therapist and has been practicing since 1985. She helps her patients with life issues such as addictions, relationship problems, low self-esteem, self-harm, and men surviving child abuse. She is also the Co-Founder of the Creative Change Conferences, a resource for those experiencing addiction, depression, and who are survivors of child abuse. In this episode, Carol shares her journey and some of the reasons why abuse victims continue the cycle of abuse in their own households.
TAKEAWAYS:
[2:00] A little bit about Carol and her background.
[3:00] Why do abuse victims continue the cycle of abuse when they themselves have been abused?
[6:10] When we look back, we donât see what the true reality was and how small we were at the age of 4-8 years old. We think we were bigger than we actually were and we always try to protect our parents.
[6:25] Why donât boys tell people about whatâs going on?
[10:55] Abuse and homosexuality. Whatâs happening there?
[13:40] For a survivor, having someone get to know you is the worst thing in the world.
[15:30] If a child has one, just one adult in their life who believes in them, they can make it.
[18:00] Women are becoming harsher with their children right now as everybody is housed under one roof.
[20:00] What is the ACE study?
[21:00] There is hope! Many of these men are healing.
[23:45] What kind of triggers do survivors experience in adulthood?
[30:15] What is the Creative Change Conference about?
RESOURCES:
Creativechangeconferences.com
Email Carol: [email protected].
ACE Study
QUOTES:
âItâs not about sex, itâs about power. Where are they going to get the most power? Abusing someone who is powerless.â âItâs a come here, go away effect to their partner. I want you but not too close.â âThatâs how a survivor feels, if you really know me, youâre going to run away because why would you want me, Iâm so damaged. That hurts relationships so badly.â âItâs the first time ever minors make up half of the visitors to the National Sexual Assault Hotline.â -
Suzie Le Brocq is a Board Certified Sex Therapist and Transgender Care Therapist. Suzie has worked in the addiction treatment field for more than 15 years. Currently, Suzie is working on and studying the psychosexual effects women have when they have an ostomy or another major surgery that can deform/change the body. Suzie shares what women typically go through, their concept of sexual self, and how these concerns apply to men and women.
TAKEAWAYS:
[1:00] A little bit about Suzie.
[2:40] What are the psychosexual effects on women who have an ostomy?
[7:30] Losing the ability to control your bowels can feel very degrading and shameful.
[10:25] Suzie dives deeper into the definition of your âsexual selfâ.
[12:15] Our sexual self is developed from the sexual stories that weâve been told while growing up.
[13:15] Some of us have an idea that sex should be a certain way, to look a certain way, and sound a certain way, and then suddenly that can be changed in an instant with a diagnosis.
[15:00] Do men and women see their sexual selves differently?
[20:15] Suzie felt her body let her down and felt very betrayed by her body.
[23:15] Partner acceptance is key to healing.
[24:30] When youâre sick, your partner can take on the role of a caregiver, but as you start to get better, that caregiving role might not go away.
RESOURCES:
Newlifepsychology.ca
Suzie on LinkedIn
QUOTES:
âThe sexual self-concept, itâs our own personalization of sex, your attitude, and how we feel about sex in general, and how we feel about ourselves as sexual beings.â âOur sexual self-concept is developed, to some degree, from the sexual stories that weâre told growing up. Our weight, our body image, our sexuality.â âSo much of the images we see in the media, messages that portray the sexual self, is; to some degree; being something that it isnât for most of us.â âOur bodies house our sexuality and itâs through our bodies, essentially, that our sexuality finds expression.â -
Enod Gray is a clinical social worker, certified sex addiction therapist, and has been in this work for over 25+ years. Enod specializes in complex PTSD, childhood abuse and neglect, partner trauma, and more. Enod shares her thoughts on how gay men can find themselves and be true to themselves when theyâve grown up in a community that is homophobic or extremely religious. You donât need to wait until you become an empty nester to live your true, authentic life.
TAKEAWAYS:
[1:00] A little bit about Enod and her work.
[3:20] There is so much trauma around growing up and not being able to fit in as a gay man.
[5:10] How does bullying impact a child?
[8:15] Any kind of addiction is an attempt to survive.
[9:20] How can people heal themselves if they feel like âdamaged goodsâ due to their HIV diagnosis?
[10:35] A lot of trauma resides in the body.
[15:45] Enod shares her experience with gay youth and religion.
[19:05] So many gay men come out later in life after theyâve had families because they finally felt comfortable in their own skin to be accepted.
[21:15] There is great power in finding a healthy community and group.
[25:00] You deserve to live out your true life.
RESOURCES:
Trueselftransitions.com
Email Enod: [email protected]
NeglectâThe Silent Abuser: How to Recognize and Heal by Enod Gray
QUOTES:
âAs children and youth, the tendency is to blame themselves. This thinking that itâs all their fault.â âBeing gay or being trans just puts another layer over it. The basic human need to belong is obliviated by bullying.â âAddictions are all coping mechanisms to survive.â âGay men will often marry, have families, even though theyâre not attracted to the opposite sex just to be accepted. Thatâs sad.â -
Dave Watt is an Outreach Manager at Southwest Center and Founder of Team Friendly, a campaign to help end the stigma of HIV. When he was giving condoms out in bars to strangers, he felt like it was a bit too judgemental. It was hard to create a conversation around HIV and HIV prevention. This is why Team Friendly was born. Dave shares some of the things his campaign has been doing to help people feel more accepted and give them the space they need to talk openly about HIV and stigma on this week's episode!
TAKEAWAYS:
[2:45] Dave shares why he is passionate about being an outreach manager and how he got into the field.
[4:25] What kind of work does Dave do at the Southwest Center?
[8:00] Offering condoms to strangers in bars is not the best way to start an HIV prevention conversation.
[14:15] What does the Team Friendly Campaign mean to the members of the community?
[16:25] You need to market to everybody, no matter what their status is.
[18:45] âNo one wants to date a guy who is HIV+â. Thatâs the stigma Dave is talking about.
[22:50] We have made such incredible advances with HIV medications, yet the stigma is still there.
[24:00] Despite being in a pandemic, people still need PrEP!
[25:15] How is stigma in trans individuals being addressed in Daveâs community?
[27:00] Dave offers tips on how to help people with their diagnosis, judgment-free.
RESOURCES:
Swcenter.org
Dave on LinkedIn
Mrfriendly.org
Teamfriendlydfw.org
QUOTES:
âOne thing I learned about stigma is that itâs very varied.â âTelling everybody to know their status and to âmake sureâ they wear a condom tonight is so full of judgment.â âConstantly analyze if your message is putting off anybody. Is my message putting a barrier between me and the people I want to help?â âThe last thing someone living with HIV wants to do is pass it on to somebody else.â - Mehr anzeigen
