Folgen
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Aaron talks with guest Mary B Safrit about the myths of being a Christian single and how to embrace your most unapologetic weird self.
thekindoflove.com
instagram.com/TKOL.Podcast
Instagram.com/Aarontosti
marybsafrit.com
Production by Aaron Tosti
Theme Music by Steve Wilmot
All other Music by Soundstripe
If you want great music for your podcast and social content, you can get 10% OFF unlimited licensable music at Soundstripe Music. Go to thekindoflove.com/promo
SHOW NOTESIntro
0 sec
Welcome to TKOL Podcast.. I'm Aaron Tosti.
A while back a good friend of mine said I should write a book called "The kind of love I'm getting I don't want, and the kind of love I want I ain't getting." an autobiography of weird love stories... so I made it into a podcast.
Not only to share my stories, but other peoples stories... maybe even yours.
Love gets weird some times right ? ...tell me about it
40 sec — Intro Narration by Aaron
Welcome, my podcast people, to a journey of self-discovery and unapologetic weirdness. In this episode, we dive into the world of Christian single-ness, exploring the myths and narratives that shape experiences as a single adult. If this
My guest Mary B joining us covers a spectrum of this conversation from the myth of the ideal Christian woman to hilarious dating stories and anecdotes. She leaves no stone unturned.
Mary B's mission is to help singles navigate the complexities of modern dating. From writing for a Christian audience to producing live events, her journey is as inspiring as it is relatable.
Our unexpected encounter on a ride share ride that sparked a deeper conversation between us, sharing experiences of loneliness to the power of storytelling therapy.
With laughter and introspection, we tackle the myths surrounding singleness and the pressure to conform to societal expectations. Mary B's hilarious dating stories and candid reflections on mindset shifts offer a refreshing take on the dating scene and just knowing that it is OK to be single.
So grab your favorite beverage as we start off chatting about coffee and Mary B's love for oat milk, as we take you on this rollercoaster ride of laughter, insight, and unabashed weirdness.
And if you stay til the end you'll hear about Mary B's interesting singles test that helps you approach going to weddings and embracing your quirks.Because in a world of funny and confusing dating experiences, owning your unapologetic inner weirdo might actually be the ultimate superpower.
2:50 min - Starting Banter
Aaron likes banter to get his day going
Espresso gets Mary B’s day going
Mary B will die on that hill of oat milk… Aaron not so much.
Things get unhinged when Mary B says “Mouth-feel”
4:50 min - Mary B helps singles
Aaron intro’s Mary B helping singles but not just a dating coach
She writes for a Christian audience
So much more to life than just dating for a single person
Mary B wants to fill the gap between what the church offers and what singles need
7:20 min - Mary B produces live events
Mary loves lives events and is and MC and Host
One of the things she does is variety shows
She loves being a fan girl
Her podcast interviews singles in the church
9:30 min - Why does Mary B help singles ?
It’s a massively underserved demographic in the church
Mary B stumbled into the process
Mary B moved to NY to become a singer
She has always loved writing, went to a writers group, brought an essay on being single
A friend thought she should write a book on her essay about single-ness, and her being an awkward person, and having conversations about dating and sex
She found her self doing a lot of research about the topic
She started her book 5 years ago
13:00 min - Robust Conversation about Singleness
She got curious about the topic of singleness
Everyone has a lot of opinions about it
People brought so much to this conversations and she wanted to shift the culture about being single
Own and be honest about the narratives we all about dating and being single
Recognize where singles are giving up our agency
14:45 min - Myth of the Ideal Christian Women
We all know the myth is BS, but singles compare themselves to that myth
“We can’t get where we want by starting where we think we should be, but where we are”
She started asking how can we
16:35 min - Aaron's Realtionship Awareness
Aaron’s talks throwback to the stories we tell ourselves
“oh it’s me”
Getting past the weird awkward stuff because We crave certainty but we want the kind of love we want but know how to get there
But you can get too attached to the narratives we tell ourselves
19:10 min - What’s a funny story Mary B?
Mary B has a couple stories
Mary B hasn’t dated a whole lot and feels like everyone else has the rules of the road but not her
She dated high school into collage then got on dating apps in 2019
She had an anxious energy she brought into dating that was this idea that “I don’t know what I’m doing”
She lived in perfectionism narratives like “Everyone gets to make mistakes, but I don’t” and you should have know better
21:50 min - Mary B’s Mindset Shift
Mindset shift… “nobody knows what they’re doing”
She was able to show up with more confidence
There was a lot of Fear running the show… desire for safety and control… keeping it at arms length
You can get lost in the ring, instead of being a player
Play to win
Her approach changed to Be your most unapologetic
25:40 min - Mary B’s other dating story
She’s a recovering people pleaser
Matched on hinge, low stakes
Night before the guy sends a paragraph of expectations that felt like “who hurt you?” energy
Guy over apologized through the whole night
Brought a rose, but apologized for it
29:45 min - Getting over overthinking and over apologizing
It made Mary b realize a lot about herself
What do I think I’m accomplishing about showing up like that
You think you’re being considerate, but it’s not about the other person but about you
Not giving the other person an opportunity to get to know them and connect
Make a request with out the “no worries”
Shift the focus from does this person like me, to do I like this person
Not being mean to yourself or playing down what you love doing
33:50 min - Everyone is an asshole
The spectrum of ass-holery
Mary B took the joke too far
You’re not giving them an opportunity to see what kind of asshole they are
Mary B has derped the hell out of this episode
36:50 min - Dating has been successful
Mary B is in her hot girl era
Know who you are and own it
The more comfortable with yourself you can be the more fun it can be
28:30 min - The Opposite of trauma is humor and play
Do the inner work
You can become a self help junkie… another state of weirdness purgatory
39:40 min - Ruminating is different than just DOING the thing
Her therapist asked.. “Have you really been trying?”
Metaphorically getting punched in the face
Highs and lows and building resilience
Learning your boundaries and values by actually DOING the thing
Shift of having the lived experience that proves she has the confidence
If we all looked at the things we are most scared about and then went and do it
42:50 min - Does Mary B ask people out ?
She asks out men successfully
She asks herself “is there a reciprocation of energy here?”
She spent a lot of time chasing people who had no interest in her
“I love me and my anxious attachment style”
Not setting up a pattern of always initiating
45:20 min - Mary B likes “the co-pursuit”
She likes a mix of both
I’ve asked you out
Back to the second dating story where the guy was his most apologetic self
It wasn’t what she was looking for
Mary B doesn’t want to be anyone’s mom or walk on egg shells
49 min - The Masculine and Feminine wobble
If a man isn’t secure in who he is, it’s going to make a wobble between him and the woman
Roll your eyes at the the kind of trauma that you don’t want
Milk the weirdness
Mary B says “Never underestimate the value that bring to relationships and your community”
You can follow Mary B at on instagram @maryb.safrit and website marybsafrit.com
54 min - Closing
Hey, Thank you so much for listening!
Make sure to click that subscribe button so you don’t miss an episode.
And another great way to support this podcast is to leave a 5 star review wherever you listen to this podcast and tell us what you love about the episode.
It helps us grow by sharing stories that resonate.
You can also find us on the web at thekindoflove.com
Also on instagram @TKOL.Podcast
Or you can follow me personally @aarontosti
Thanks again,
I’m Aaron.
Best of Love to You
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In this episode …
Aaron talks with guest Dominique D’Vita about her past long distance that woke her up to using and coaching through the healing practice of Tantra.
thekindoflove.com
instagram.com/TKOL.Podcast
Instagram.com/Aarontosti
Production by Aaron Tosti
Theme Music by Steve Wilmot
All other Music by Soundstripe
If you want great music for your podcast and social content, you can get 10% OFF unlimited licensable music at Soundstripe Music. Go to thekindoflove.com/promo
SHOW NOTESIntro
0 sec
Welcome to TKOL Podcast.. I'm Aaron Tosti.
A while back a good friend of mine said I should write a book called "The kind of love I'm getting I don't want, and the kind of love I want I ain't getting." an autobiography of weird love stories... so I made it into a podcast.
Not only to share my stories, but other peoples stories... maybe even yours.
Love gets weird some times right ? ...tell me about it
44 sec
Hindsight is always 2020, right?
Looking back at once pained us, can shift a funny perspective. And the funny and unfortunate relationship situation can be a powerful catalyst to find unique ways to change though we do things.
For my new friend Dominque she went from a toxic long distance relationship to discovering how the practice of tantra can change and heal you.
Often our wounds stem from childhood, and for Dom where she had to take care of an alcoholic parent, literally dodging a bullets when her mom came in with a gun, and having to be a parent to her parent. After overcoming people pleasing and being a sex worker in the past, she now teaches men and couples how to have a healthy sense of sex in their relationship.
She shares her story with me, and how tantra has helped her and others, one of the benefits helping you trust yourself and find discernment, and not just impulsively hooking up with people.. all that and more…
Enjoy.
3:20 min
Aaron watched Dominique’s “how to last longer in bed” video.
Dominique says, “Your brain is your biggest sexual organ because of neural pathways, and it’s great to start the work on your own without a partner”
4:30 min
Aaron asks Dominique about her long distance relationship
Dominique says, yea the guy was a real “winner” the
They were in an AOL chat room from 1997. When you wen into an AOL chat room you use to type A/S/L - age sex location.
You would have deep conversation, not thinking you were ever going to see this person.
7:20 min
Dominique’s strategy at the time was “the best way to get over a man, is to get under another.”
It was a great exchange and first. And Dominque ended up dating this guy.
9 min
Friends all though she was dating good man, and the relationship went on for 3 years
They had a lot of fun and they talked about getting married.
She had met his mom and his son. They got along really well, but that’s easy when you don’t see each other every day.
He had some problems with work, and asked her to reach out only at his house.
11:45 min
The story gets spicy. It turns out he was already married…
She went on a trip to go see him, and she had a suspicion. Then found a card from another women with a sentimental note.
She went to go see his mom. Dominique got home and called the number on the card.
His mom was playing along and payed dumb.
Dominque didn’t want anything to do with him any more.
15:20 min
He friend called and asked if she was ok but in that moment she realized she had dodged a bullet and only lost out on an illusion.
Years later he reached out trying to rekindle things, but she didn’t want to speak with him ever again.
She stop playing the same game she used to.
17 min
She decided she was never begin a long distance relationship again.
You don’t know what that person’s truth is. When you miss someone of course you’re going to have a passion to see them, but also not have a clear perspective.
A year earlier she had to get a restringing order from her past partner, so the long distance seem to be suiting.
There’s no consequence but you can fool yourself.
21 min
Aaron asks Dominique about “doing the work” then shares a quick dating story where the woman said she looks up guys’ background checks.
Tantra helped Dominique have a better relationship with herself and getting yourself out of that trap.
Looking back on her childhood, Dominique’s mom was an alcoholic and had suicidal depression.
When you don’t grow up without boundaries, you don’t think you need them.
23:20 min
When parents not being present to your needs, it’s easy to ignore the red flags.
The only way to belong is to neglect your needs and pay attention to your parents needs.
“They don’t need me, I don’t feel secure.”
Dominique has been focusing on taking
27:20 min
Being good in and out of bed came from being a good people pleaser.
Dodging bullets metaphorically, but when she grew up, she also had to dodge real bullets from her mom.
Orgasms are the fountain of youth.
28:40 min
Dominque was doing mad libs while her drunk mom came in with a gun.
If you don’t take care of your own sexual needs you’re more likely to lower your standard by not pleasuring yourself, more likely to hook up with someone that’s not good for you
It’s like going to the grocery store and getting junk food when you’re starving.
31 min
Dominique’s friend was married 5 times because she didn’t allow her self to have sex until she’s married.
There was a lot of purity culture in Texas.
32:25 min
Aaron asks Dominique how tantra has helped her…
The common misconception is you need a parter.
Aaron and Dominique are both fans of Sting, Tantra, and the police
Dominique had 5 hours of bliss and extended orgasm she calls a “soul-gasm”. It was a Kundalini awakening
She talks more about chakras and Energy Centers
36 min
Dominique couldn’t keep her head in the sand anymore. She said it was like Marvin Gay’s sexual healing
She had clients certain sex position saved their marriage.
Most people hit the glass sealing on their pleasure and don’t think you can go further.
When she opened up her chakras she had better relationships with all other people.
Breathe, Sound, and Movement are the foundations for healing Trauma,
Tantra was the gateway drug for Dominique.
39:20 min
Movement is like the song “Dance yourself clean” by LCD Sound System. Dance like no one’s watching.
You hit a higher frequency.
40:50 min
Here are some more benefits of Tantra…
You start attracting better relationships.
You can speak up more
You realize you’re not a victim
Dominique’s mom used to only care about “good looking men”.
Her Toxic Confession is a quote from Marylin Monroe “If you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best.”
She use to get way more angry than need be, but not a way to be accountable to yourself
45:30 min
Dominique mentioned there’s not enough safe space for men.
It’s time to break the cycles and patterns
A lot of ancient tantra is now nervous system regulating techniques
She’s got a lot of pushback about her work but Dominique doesn’t perform anything sexually. Most clients don’t meet in person.
48 min
Aaron asks whats the divergence between having your own self study vs hiring a tantra coach?
Dominique says its hard to integrate self-study, we don’t know it on a body cellular level
Coaching yourself is hard because you don’t see your own blindspots/
Orgasmic manifestation is about tuning into your power.
50:20 min
Why do we have shame on the thing that created us?
Other ways tantra benefits you…
Amplifying law of attraction
Manifest define partnership
She says we’re always manifesting whether we are aware or not.
If you’re not able to receive, do you have a big enough energetic body?
If you don’t feel worthy, you may push it away.
53:20 min
Clearing anger, shame, and emotions…
Dominique helped a couple in their 60s have the best sex in their life.
Emotions are just energy in motion
Dominique’s techies for emotional release…
Primal yell
rage writing
Emotional writing release
Shaking off after anger. Tantra calls it the Shiba Shake
Saying to yourself, “Hey emotion, I see you”
Diss-ease in the body means there’s disease in the body
60 min
Looking back..
BS means blindspot and bullshit
Patterns repeat until we learn.
When we hit rock bottom is when we become willing to make a change
You can connect with Dominique here..
yestantra.com
www.youtube.com/@YesTantra
instagram.com/yesdvita/
It’s been hard to have a sex positive platform, but it’s actually healing people from shame.
53 min Closing
Hey, Thank you so much for listening!
Make sure to click that subscribe button so you don’t miss an episode.
And another great way to support this podcast is to leave a 5 star review wherever you listen to this podcast and tell us what you love about the episode.
It helps us grow by sharing stories that resonate.
You can also find us on the web at thekindoflove.com
Also on instagram @TKOL.Podcast
Or you can follow me personally @aarontosti
Thanks again,
I’m Aaron.
Best of Love to You
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Fehlende Folgen?
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Jenny Rain returns to co-host an episode with Aaron about their holiday relationship workshop “Deck the Halls, Not Your Family” where they share 3 Keys to have a stress-free holiday season with family and friends.
thekindoflove.com
instagram.com/TKOL.Podcast
Instagram.com/Aarontosti
Production by Aaron Tosti
Theme Music by Steve Wilmot
All other Music by Soundstripe
If you want great music for your podcast and social content, you can get 10% OFF unlimited licensable music at Soundstripe Music. Go to thekindoflove.com/promo
SHOW NOTESIntro
0 sec
Welcome to TKOL Podcast.. I'm Aaron Tosti.
A while back a good friend of mine said I should write a book called "The kind of love I'm getting I don't want, and the kind of love I want I ain't getting." an autobiography of weird love stories... so I made it into a podcast.
Not only to share my stories, but other peoples stories... maybe even yours.
Love gets weird some times right ? ...tell me about it
40 sec
Jenny & Aaron’s intro…
This is a special episode with a special guest and co host, Jenny Rain to talk about our Holiday Workshop.
We hope to spread some cheer.
Jenny is all about spreading cheer.
The workshop was called “Deck the Halls, Not Your Family” and it was a lot of fun.
It’s all about learning how to love your friends and family during the holidays when relationship patterns show back up.
This was the 2nd annual workshop and we had some different things that came up for people.
There was a lot of problems we discussed.
The top 5 problems we talked about …
Dealing with the pressure of being in soooo many places at once & ending up exhausted after the holidays!!!
Having a lack of meaningful connections and quality time and people don’t think about that until they show up.
OLD stubborn patterns on repeat like…
Feeling guilty when we speak up
Feeling less than by certain friends/family members
Or family holding us to the 11 year old versions of ourselves
Attitudes from in-laws that we have to navigate. When you’re inlays become out-laws
People become resentful for carrying TOO much responsibility for having to do ALL the holiday preparations & not having support
Aaron was also talking with a client about how to co-parent during the holidays.
We covered 3 keys for a stress free holiday…
Don’t Deck, Connect
Master Courageous Communication
Unleash Invincible Boundaries
It’s amazing how people go back and boundaries become the overwhelming elephant in the room.
Aaron mentions that Jenny talks not only about personal boundaries but time and environment boundaries.
There’s a lot of good stuff.
Enjoy the Holiday Laughs.
WORKSHOP
4:50 min
We like to start the workshop off with our favorite Ram Dass Quote…
“If you think you’re enlightened, go spend a week with your family.”
Family is a great revealer of all of the shadow work.
Jenny shares some Stats…
69% of people in the US argue with loved ones during the holidays.
66% People say they feel more stressed out during the holiday season.
3 out of 5 people feel their mental health is adversely affected by the holidays.
Aaron Jenny are going to take you on a journey.. as you go into the holidays with loved ones, you will have a holiday melody that carries you through.
We are going to share some heartfelt stories.
Have some Healing Holidays.
6:50 min
What We are Covering Today…
1 - Cultivating Safe enjoyable connections with family and friends while staying sane.
2 - Experience epic and authentic communicate that bridges conflict, even with the most difficult family members.3 - Unleash a sense of invincible boundaries that break relationship patterns keeping you stuck in old cycles with family and friends.
Let’s make this holiday season the year you break patterns instead of decking your family.
How do you want this holiday season to be different ?
9:45 min
There’s not a lot of space for people talking about Adoption and what that’s like during the holidays.
Stay grounded and authentic during the holidays into 2024.
10 min
Aaron’s Story…
If we’ve never met before or you’ve getting familiar with my world... I’m Aaron Tosti.
I’m so grateful to be aware enough to know that my partner was not my problem, my wound was. And that has given me the FREEDOM to be my most Empowered, Unapologetic, Authentic Self
There I was... at the lowest point of my life, lying on the floor distraught after a heartbreak, knowing that I had “sabotaged” a relationship, but even AFTER it was over, I was STILL attached to the idea of trying to “make it work”. I had trouble being focused at work, enjoying time with friends, and even went through a series of rebounds.
If I was to change what was going on outside of me, I had to change what was going on inside. (slow down and focus on what was going on internally)
I had to get support, meet with coaches, friends, a therapist and be around people I could trust to create a safe space for me
I had to do self-study and get back to feeling like myself again. I literally stopped listening to sad music was was perpetuating my depression, and started listening to my favorite comedians to get out of my state
I had to COMMIT to new healthy habits and boundaries. I stopped drinking, smoking, I started putting healthy things into my body to eat, I got really clear on my “no’s” and where I was over committed. And what wasn’t serving me.
If I wanted my a healthy new relationship, I had to break up with my own unwanted patterns. I was single so I begin to heal the patterns within my family and close relationships.. FIRST
Now I know that to heal harmful relationship patterns, you have to heal yours.
And that’s possible. Many people think they have to look outward and DO MORE to “fix” their relationships. when the truth is you have to look within and REVEAL it to heal it.
Consider how important your relationships are... What does love really look like for you?
Do You have some patterns that you don’t think about much but during the holidays it’s like they all resurface.
What if you took radical acceptance and responsibility and didn’t see your loved ones as problems, but and opportunity to heal your wound.
14:45 min
Jenny’s reflection..
When you are dealing with heartbreak during the holidays, it can be excruciating.
Jenny remembers spending the holidays painfully single having family members ask about when you’re going to get married.
15:30 min
Jenny shares her Story…
The first time I set a boundary with my family, even nature celebrated the win.
Perhaps it was because I was 34 when it happened and I had gone a lifetime living without boundaries in my family, so when I was finally able to set the dang thing... it was a big deal. Nature noticed!
I grew up boundary-less. On one side of my family, boundaries were non-existent. As a child, I wasn’t allowed to have them. My mom hadn’t learned them, so she had no idea how to teach me how to create them.
The net result on that side of the family because of a lack of boundaries was enmeshment and triangulation.
I got pulled into a lot of spaces as a child - a lot of fights and conflict. My house sounded like a freight train ran through the middle of the living room at times.
The fury of family fights was all consuming. Avoiding the hair trigger that would set someone in my family steaming felt like I was tip toeing barefoot on wine glasses... trying not to shatter them. It was a constant dance to try and avoid the chaos.
It went on like this for years. All through my childhood..
I will never forget the day everything changed. I was 34 and visiting my mom and step-dad for the holidays. By this point I had completed 2 years of trauma therapy and extensive work on boundaries.
My mom and step dad were storming into conflict and at one point my mom turned to me and tried to triangulate me into their fight.
I didn’t take the bait. Instead I said, “your conflict - doesn’t involve me” and left.
It was a massive moment for me. It was the first time I had set a boundary and said “no.” Something in me broke wide open the moment I said no. Something long buried sprung to life again. It was glorious.
As I walked to my car, I glanced to the right and at that VERY moment a daffodil popped open and unfurled to reach the sunlight.
I was awestruck. It felt like all of nature was celebrating with me.
That was step one for me of a VERY long road of healing. A road I am still on today.
I continued in supportive therapeutic & coaching to help me identify the patterns that trapped me in patterns that kept me in the same toxic cycles with my family. Patterns like: Being the good girl; people pleasing; fawning/freezing; or the opposite - oppositional defiance.
I came to accept that my family was most likely never going to get the healing they needed so that meant the work would have to come from ME.
The reality of the dynamics in one side of my family is that my family has not chosen to do the healing work - so as a result..
I have had to set stringent boundaries with my time with them.
Always a start and end time, clear parameters, clear
communication guardrails, BECAUSE they aren’t taking responsibility for their mental health, and I’m choosing not to do the emotional labor for them, my holidays thrive to the level of the boundaries I have set.We are not one big healthy, healed family -- but I have found a way to be in proximity to them that doesn’t devastate my nervous system.
I now say “no” to mandatory holiday gatherings when I need to... Does it make me sad that one side of my family has chosen not to do the deep healing work that would allow close, intimate relationships to occur in a safe way? Yes.
We want to have loving relationships, but I’ve realized it takes two -- and if the other person can’t meet you in a similar capacity, there have to be boundaries in place.
20:30 min
“Make your boundary big enough so that you can be in your own integrity so that you can give generously” - Brene Brown
It’s ok take care of yourself, your own family and your partner.
How are you at setting boundaries with your family? - What about your partner?
Ever had nature celebrate your boundary?21:30 min
Key #1 Don’t Deck, Connect
Problems you may encounter…
A relative or friend that drives you insane
Parentification
Toxic people in your circle
Family/friends holding you to your past self
Feeling obligated to show up a certain way
…feeling forgotten, left out, and abandon.
…passive aggressive
What happens when you start to get healthier.. people say “you’ve changed” and
24 min
Aaron talks about looking at relationships with compassion over comparison.
…Not seeing your family as a threat
… Having compassion and seeing that we’re all humans with a wounded history
…Learning how to emotionally become centered and regulate, relate, reason
Two dysregulated people can’t come together.
25:50 min
It can be challenging, we may want to deck our family instead of connecting.
That also means having compassion for self.
Jenny’s practices
…Awareness of environment
Take the time you need to yourself, and putting on your oxygen mask first.
Taking of your mask if you’ve been the “nice” guy or girl in the past.
If you’re nervous system isn’t on board, you’re not going to be able to connect.
What does it mean to be an authentic family member ?
27:30 min
Aaron shares a short story..
Your family members are just humans with a wounded history.
After a devastating break up I started noticing how I was showing up around my family.
I would shrink and feel small.
Seeing a sibling with similar wounds showing up in a different way.
It’s good to have empathy and understanding, but compassion is letting someone off the hook.
… I see you and that part of you thats wounded.
28:90 min
When things get heated Aaron asks, “What if..” And goes for the reframe with compassion.
Compassion isn’t peacemaking.
Jenny’s thoughts…
Service oriented healers, practitioners, therapist have a challenge because we get why other people are doing things, give space and compassion, but it doesn’t mean you have to tolerate the behavior.
You don’t have to violate your boundaries to make amens.
30:50 min
Jenny’s shares her Client’s story..
She had been raised by a Narcissistic mother and married a Narcissistic partner
She said, “I started to wonder, maybe I deserve more than what I've been accustomed to creating in relationships? That's why I came to you....”
“I'm a creature of habit. I don't like my habits. They're not good. I don't want to be here anymore! When I came to you for help I had decided, ‘We're not going to do it my way. I'm going to try yours.’”
She told Jenny that her program has equipped me with a…
- relationship blueprint,
- a set of beautiful boundaries for myself, and
- I have found the agency and courage to use them both.”I had a massive takaway in the boundaries -- how important the beliefs are around boundaries, and that there is a COST! to not having them.
“I'm light years ahead from where I was before! Your program gave me incredible tools; You elevated my awareness of who I am.
You elevated my potential for relationships.”
That’s what this work is all about. You come out with skills and tools to enjoy your relationships.
33 min
Key #2 - Mastering Courageous Communication
Problems you may encounter…
Not feeling safe to talk about uncomfortable topics, like politics, religious views, cancel culture
Feeling triggered and not knowing how to create a safe communication style
Continual misunderstandings and assumptions that lead to arguments
It’s hard Being Courageous conversations with all the “isms” and phobias
Listening without formulating a response
Hold space to get curious over confusion
Listen and ask question over assumptions.
It lower the other persons threat response, and the nervous system start to get in-sync.
36:50 min
Aaron’s shares a story about an interaction with his mom
When you can tell someone else in their threat and activated response.
… what’s underneath is fear.
There was a hurricane in Florida, Aaron lives in Tennessee, and his mom was in California.
She was sending him all caps text messages telling Aaron to “get out of there”.
In the past Aaron may have said some dismiss sarcastic things.
This time he knew she was in fear and serval, and he asked her “what’s scary right now ?”
It changed her tone. And it calmed her.
And that can help people co-regulate together.
Jenny says, “thats a really great question for women.”
39 min
Jenny’s feedback and practical advice…
Learning to catch ANTS an automatic negative thought
For her she caught her self thinking,“What’s wrong with you?”
Slowing down is your superpower.
She realized that there was nothing wrong with her.
Catch it, grab it, examine it, and respond differently to it.
40:45 min
Aaron’s Client Story
Sometimes our patterns are hiding in plain sight.
His client was already engaged to the man of her dreams, and she was still struggling to find approval and love. She was trying to get her partner to see her value. She got lost in trying to prove her self.
Everything she worried about was in her head.
Many times it’s the negative conversations in our head that need an interrupt.
Our pain gets so loud some times
Change the lens and the perspective.
42:45 min
Key #3 - Unleash invisible boundaries
Problems you may encounter…
Neglecting your needs to meet the wants, needs, or demands of others
Felling unseen, unheard, mute or inauthentic
Tired of being a mediator, savior, or rescuer of others
Being scared to set a boundary
Fear of disapproval or backlash
There’s an opportunity to know when to repair a rupture.
Also Knowing when to walk away when it’s a hot moment.
Providing a buffer if there’s toxic energy.
Help your partner without going into a codependent caretaking mode.
Understanding What’s about them vs you.
Use proximity, environment, clear language, and asserting yourself when setting boundaries.
45 min
Jenny’s uses Scripts which she got from Terri Cole
A lot of times humans go into freeze mode, you have the words ready right in front of you.
If she and her partner have a conflict, she pulls out a script.
Watch out for narcissistic Schedule bombs.. bombing changes at the last minute and expect everyone to change for them.
Go back to the original plan.
47:10 min
Aaron brings up caretaking vs care giving and knowing the difference.
If you are caretaking, then you’re wanting something out of it.
Aaron Client’s story…
She doubted herself around a toxic Aunt.
Her husband said “Press eject” from the thoughts that are holding you back and keeping you stuck.
Don’t take emotional responsibility for the other person.
Interrupt thoughts and that will interrupt behavioral patterns.
So what do you want your story to be this year ?
Go from ___ to ___ in ____ amount of days/months.
What will that look like for you ?
50:35 min
Jenny and Aaron Outro
We hope that you enjoyed this years presentation of Deck the Halls, Not Your Family and that it equipped you to have a fun holiday and be memorable for all of the right reasons.
You CAN cultivate safe, enjoyable connection with your family all while staying sane.
You CAN experience epic AND authentic communication that bridges conflict, even with the most difficult family members and friends.
You can use YOUR invincible boundaries and break relationship patterns keeping you stuck in old cycles with family & friends.
Take Action and get support..
Maybe you are hoping for support.
Jenny and Aaron are offering Pay What You Can Coaching during the Holiday Season to a select few.
You can connect with Aaron here..
Aarontosti.com/yourempoweredself
You can connect with Jenny and book a complimentary call with her here…
jennyrain.as.me
We would love to encourage you to have a wonderful holiday season.
We want you to love the crap out of yourself and your family.
Have some jingle bells, tinsel, and your favorite holiday songs.
Merry Holidays !!
53 min Closing
Hey, Thank you so much for listening!
Make sure to click that subscribe button so you don’t miss an episode.
And another great way to support this podcast is to leave a 5 star review wherever you listen to this podcast and tell us what you love about the episode.
It helps us grow by sharing stories that resonate.
You can also find us on the web at thekindoflove.com
Also on instagram @TKOL.Podcast
Or you can follow me personally @aarontosti
Thanks again,
I’m Aaron.
Best of Love to You
-
Aaron talks with Angie Pollachi about her perspective on healing trauma, but not taking trauma too personally, and shares some funny moments from her own personal life
thekindoflove.com
instagram.com/TKOL.Podcast
Instagram.com/Aarontosti
Production by Aaron Tosti
Theme Music by Steve Wilmot
All other Music by Soundstripe
If you want great music for your podcast and social content, you can get 10% OFF unlimited licensable music at Soundstripe Music. Go to thekindoflove.com/promo
SHOW NOTESIntro
0 sec
Welcome to TKOL Podcast.. I'm Aaron Tosti.
A while back a good friend of mine said I should write a book called "The kind of love I'm getting I don't want, and the kind of love I want I ain't getting." an autobiography of weird love stories... so I made it into a podcast.
Not only to share my stories, but other peoples stories... maybe even yours.
Love gets weird some times right ? ...tell me about it
45 sec
A lot of people take their trauma personally...
And it should be taken seriously, but sometimes
...Maybe people think that they’re crazy or that they’re the only one
or that they need to hold onto and cling to it.
But trauma is just a thing that happens and your body hold onto it to protect you from happening again.
Until we unburden that past experience from our nervous system we'll continue to stay stuck
My conversation with Angie Pollachi, who has a great sense of humor and who learned in the same camp about trauma and the nervous system.
How the nervous system has different survival responses like hide, fight, freeze, fawn and even passing out when you get to overwhelmed.
She has a unique look at unpacking trauma, healing, feeling liberated from trauma and it starts with knowing that we’re all human and to not take it so personally.
Angie is a Somatic and Emotional Healing Coach.
Plus she shares some funny moments in her dating life and going into relationships with a "growth edge" approach.
Enjoy.
2 min
Angie’s gets asked out in a weird way..
She got asked out by a German women who switched from German to English, “ I find you sexually attractive”
Angie didn’t know what to do but said “thank you but no.”
4:10 min
Aaron has learning to accept more compliments.
In the past Aaron has past Aaron couldn’t receive them, but now he takes a 2 sec pause to acknowledge it.
Aaron grew up around a lot of sarcasm.
But it’s like buying someone coffee, at first you might want to push back but instead say, “cool I’ll receive it”
Don’t attaching a big story to it.
6:40 min
Aaron made a smooth move on his own birthday breakfast and paid for it.
7:30 min
Aaron makes Angie’s official introduction. Angie Irish, Scottish, and italian with a side of Catholic guilt.
Angie is interest in anything within the human experience.
She was in Marketing for a while, then found other things and did Yoga teacher training for 3-4 years.
9:30 min
Angie thought there’s more to it than this and started looking into the emotional side and what’s underneath ?
Embody emotional experiences.
Feel your emotional experience but also do the thing.
She wanted to learn more about patterns and behaviors.
11:50 min
Feeling liberated and not being defined by your Trauma
Trauma conjures up quick dramatic things. Like “fireworks of explosive experience.”
But there is also “candle moments”
But then what is it like to walk around a massive room full of candles.
We’re looking for the explosive but it’s the little ones that surround you
14:45 min
Learning about the little moments that build up, then you get stuck.
Trauma work helped her understand “I’m actually not that crazy”
You’re just a normal human.
It’s the continual pattern that makes us hold onto stuff.
Aaron loves one-liners
17 min
It becomes a lifestyle shift in your approach.
Trauma hopefully won’t be such a hard pill to swallow in the future.
Making it less stigmatizing.
“We’re searching for things that make sense of our experiences” - Angie
I’m the problem its me.. thanks T.Swift.
20:50 min
We’d all be better if we went into relationships seeing it as a growth edge.
Intermittent everything.
What do you really want that’s in a romantic relationship.
What would I have to do outside of my comfort zone.
Saying “I’m so empathetic” might be
Going into all relationships as a growth edge
Everything should be “intermittent”
23:10 min
Aaron asks Angie about growth edge dating early on.
Putting awareness into action
24:10 min
A moment with a friend impacted Angie about always picking the wrong person.
She noticed she triggered her friend, where she touched on something sensitive but with an iron fist.
25:30 min
There was a part of Angie that wanted to apologize for hurting someone, but the next level up was asking “how did that feel for you?”
It person Angie into the place to hear.
Sometimes the need to apologize can be for trying to make yourself feel better.
Take in to account the other person’s experience.
41:40 min
A lot of people assume that if you don’t say something then there must not be a problem.
A healing moment of both people needing awareness.
Taking more responsibility in it myself.
We all need awareness.
30 min
Aaron still responds to the Computer voice.
Angie apologizes to escalators and revolving doors.
Soon escalators will start responding get triggered.
Angie gets bitchy with GPS’s
32:10 min
Aaron gets mad at walk signs that say “wait.”
“Don’t tell me what to do.”
Aaron might start coaching the walk sign.
33:20 min
Angie’s chicken joke about the patriarchy gets really intense.
34:10 min
How much of our culture is wrapping ourselves in bubble paper so that someone else doesn’t get hurt.
Polarizing on both extreme’s so that we get somewhere in the middle, so that we’re not stuck in divisive spaces.
35:30 min
A lot of it is coming from your nervous system states.
Getting past the “stuckness” in the nervous system.
36:46 min
Fawning is more like gas and brakes on at the same time.
The other way to say it is turtle, tiger, possum pass out
Aaron said he was trying to be stoic but really he was fawning.
37:30 min
Angie “ I thought that was an endearing quality, turns out to be a trauma respond.”
You don’t want to unpack yourself so much you’re just an empty travel bag.
If the clothes are memories it’s like looking at all of your stained clothing.
The “inner work” get’s complicated
39 min
Angie’s Jeans analogy around working through trauma.
How much effort are you putting into it?
Aaron says, “this is dark but what about the abusive narcissistic jeans that still feel comfortable”
41:30 min
Aaron loves Angie’s analogy around trauma and healing.
It’s like Dating, going into a clothes store and trying on different jeans.
How is AI effecting the dating world?
43 min
Angie says the AI is helping with communication in Dating.
Aaron says it’s like the same dating problems but amplified.
Angie asked, “Is AI just disempowering everyone ?”
Christmas cards are going to get real involved.
45:50 min
We didn’t get into anxiety vs intuition.
Where to get in touch with Angie..
Free regulating things and other things
Aaron gets Angie’s last name spelling
Instagram.com/Angie_P_coaching
Aaron jacked up Angie’s last name trying to make it more Italian.
44 min Closing
Hey, Thank you so much for listening!
Make sure to click that subscribe button so you don’t miss an episode.
And another great way to support this podcast is to leave a 5 star review wherever you listen to this podcast and tell us what you love about the episode.
It helps us grow by sharing stories that resonate.
You can also find us on the web at thekindoflove.com
Also on instagram @TKOL.Podcast
Or you can follow me personally @aarontosti
Thanks again,
I’m Aaron.
Best of Love to You
-
Aaron talks with Jaden Hummel about how she helps people find whats aligned to them in their life, whether thats relationships, career, or purpose.. and shares about how she came into a golden alignment with her partner, and how to be in good energy and flow.
thekindoflove.com
instagram.com/TKOL.Podcast
Instagram.com/Aarontosti
Production by Aaron Tosti
Theme Music by Steve Wilmot
All other Music by Soundstripe
If you want great music for your podcast and social content, you can get 10% OFF unlimited licensable music at Soundstripe Music. Go to thekindoflove.com/promo
SHOW NOTESIntro
0 sec
Welcome to TKOL Podcast.. I'm Aaron Tosti.
A while back a good friend of mine said I should write a book called "The kind of love I'm getting I don't want, and the kind of love I want I ain't getting." an autobiography of weird love stories... so I made it into a podcast.
Not only to share my stories, but other peoples stories... maybe even yours.
Love gets weird some times right ? ...tell me about it
45 sec
Jenny and Aaron Holliday Workshop
Aaron:
Are you secretly dreading the holidays?
Jenny:
Maybe you’re thinking about that ONE family member that always grates on your last nerve…
Or the friend who inevitably will create a drama triangle RIGHT before a big event
Aaron:
You try to make the best of it but behind the scenes you just want the holidays to be OVER already
Is this you???
Jenny & I invite you to join our free annual workshop, "Deck the Halls, Not your family: 3 keys for Stress-Free Holidays"
This entertaining & informative workshop will give you practical tools to not only SURVIVE holiday gatherings, but have a darn good time with them as well
Jenny:
We'll dive deep into three essential keys, specifically designed to help you THRIVE and enjoy your holiday gatherings with family & friends…
Key 1: Don’t deck! Connect!
Cultivate safe, enjoyable connection with your family all while staying sane.
Key 2: Communicate CONFIDENTLY
Experience epic AND authentic communication that bridges conflict, even with the most difficult family members.
Key 3: Master Your Invincible Boundaries
Unleash a set of invincible boundaries and break relationship patterns keeping you stuck in old cycles with family & friends.
Aaron:
If you're ready to have a heap of fun and get hyped for a holiday to remember, grab your garland and tinsel because this workshop is tailor-made for you.
Jenny:
Register today and share with a friend: jennyrain.com/deckthehalls
3:10 min
Alignment.. what does this word mean?
I’ve heard this term often in the coaching world, in the spiritual communities.. what does it freaking mean?
I bought good friend Jaden Hummel, to talk about this. She has a coaching program called Exponential Alignment, This is what she does, she helps people find whats aligned to them in their life. Whether thats relationships, career, or purpose.. and even what lights you up !
I find what she does really interesting. So many times in the coaching world they talk about goal setting, but she actually has a slowing down process.
She talks about how she came into a golden alignment with her partner, and how to be in good energy and flow. With out any other further due.. here’s Jaden.
4:25 min
Jaden is Aaron’s hero about the topic of alignment.
Who started talking about alignment? Abraham Hicks?
Jaden says she has been thinking about alignment since she was in the womb.
First time Jaden was not aligned was working at a marketing agency.
Her health and energy levels took a hit.
7:25 min
Aaron quotes Jaden from instagram.
“Alignment isn’t just your career path, it’s how your values align with your decisions.”
Bro marketing is not primal, no one else is alive is calling web funnels are “primal”.
Let’s not forget those little decisions that make you aligned.
You pick your career and do it the best you can.
What actually matters is our relationships, the way we interact with the earth, etc..
You should do aligned work, but let’s not forget what life is… the decisions that make you whole.
10 min
Aaron says that Your purpose chooses you, and your career comes alongside your purpose.
Don’t put so much pressure on a capitalistic career
“When you follow your energy & highest alignment - you’ll always be led to the right people, places, and opportunities.”
“People think it’s a risk to take a chance on their dreams, when the real risk is to live a life that doesn’t align to your soul.”
“The scariest thing you can do is live a life that isn’t aligned to you”
- Jaden Hummel
12 min
Jaden talks with People all of the time about alignment.
The number one regret of the dying, is wishing they were more true to themselves.
We are here for a reason.
No identity crisis, want to head towards who I am.
14 min
When you’re doing things you like, you are in a good mood.
When you’re in a good mood, you smile and talk to people
Being in good energy
Thats when you’re open to synchronicity and the most magnetic.
You’re being in energy of receptivity.
Only way to have opportunities is to be in good energy.
When someone is doing well in their life, you want to be around that.
16:40 min
Aaron ran into a different version of himself at a coffee place. They had studied all of the same things. That guys was living his purpose.
We need the energy of alignment to feel good about the stuff thats tough.
All we want is energy and to feel good.
19 min
Whats not working? You’re not doing something that lights you up!
It’s always as simple as alignment.
All clients are perfect little snowflakes.
Community and conversation around what I want to do and could be working.. it’s not something you figure out in one month… it takes a lifetime sign up.
It takes community and constant reflection.
It’s not about whats missing, it’s about whats getting in the way.
Are you down for the alignment conversation? It’s a slowing down.
Setting goals is good, but alignment comes first.
We don’t just want money… we want to be happy and have energy.
23 min
It’s hard to market.
Aaron says to Jaden, “ You really believe in what you do.”
People don’t want to be sold anything…really.
They want more of what they are attracted to, and less of what they are repelled by.
Making money and exceed goals is good, but not without all of the other things.
Set your business up to function like nature.
Our alignment is our soil, if you have good soil anything is going to grow.
It’s so simple, yet we over complicate things.
25:50 min
Aaron asks Jaden about alignment in relationships…
Relationships also need good foundations, and “soil”
Relationships highlight everything.
Alignment for Jaden is knowing what she values and what matters to you. It would be misaligned otherwise.
Are you willing to stand for what matters to you?
Being able to understand what matters to you, then have the ability to share that. It gets you where you’re going.
28:20 min
What you value and what you care about is in “the soil?”
What you’re growing on is clean like honest communication.
Does this feel good for both parties?
Bring alignment out of your head and into the world.
30 min
All relationship health comes from awareness.]
Jaden is constantly speaking, so she’s usually not missing a beat.
31 min
Jaden tells the golden moment about her and her partner meeting.
She had a bad concussion, and she couldn’t snowboard.
Jaden happened to go to Chris’ Art Show. She had just smacked her head.
She had a guided meditation and vision to live in CA.
People claim that it was Chris’ rockstar moment. Starting his career, turning pro, and meeting the love of his life… but the relationship ended moving slow.
They had to communicate a lot. There was a physical move that had to be made.
34:20 min
Jaden met her partners parents at the same time.
Aaron Talks about “If the Buddha dated” and crawling into love. And it’s more about bonding over time.
Slowing down and really enjoying life. Also enjoying each step of the relationship journey.
People need to enjoy the moment, instead of being in a rush.
36 min
When you figure everything out… you’re dead.
Jaden is averse to people being in a rush.
When you try to get past where you’re at, then you’re going to get to the next part and not enjoy that.
It’s the same with relationship
37:40 min
Not so urgent and attached, which brings in the coping mechanisms and stress.
Imagine if you spend the whole time worry about the other person when you’re not together.
Jaden is cautious about wasting the moment away.
40 min
Practice intermittent caring. Care about the thing that’s in front of you. When the mind wants to move away from that, then you’re not really present.
The relationship is solid, so Jaden doesn’t spend her time worrying.
Back to alignment… creating a life that has integrity.
Giving yourself the ability to not have to worry about someone.
Just f*cking communicate, and do what feels good and respect other people.. so we can all enjoy life.
How can this be simple ?
Go to therapy if you can’t figure it out.
41 min
Wrapping up.
If it’s in alignment you can give me a call.
Be a self sustaining being of alignment.
Jaden has a program called Soulship and other called Exponential Alignment.
Jaden’s Podcast is called: Everyday is a Breakthrough
https://www.instagram.com/jadenbhummel/
Let us know if you got something from this and you enjoyed this.
If it feels true and good to you. Do it.
Cheers
44 min Closing
Hey, Thank you so much for listening!
Make sure to click that subscribe button so you don’t miss an episode.
And another great way to support this podcast is to leave a 5 star review wherever you listen to this podcast and tell us what you love about the episode.
It helps us grow by sharing stories that resonate.
You can also find us on the web at thekindoflove.com
Also on instagram @TKOL.Podcast
Or you can follow me personally @aarontosti
Thanks again,
I’m Aaron.
Best of Love to You
-
Tamar Gail makes a redemptive return to talk with Aaron about healing from an abusive relationship while sharing a funny dating story, the best compliment she's ever received, and how important being your authentic Self is in dating and relationships.
thekindoflove.com
instagram.com/TKOL.Podcast
Instagram.com/Aarontosti
Production by Aaron Tosti
Theme Music by Steve Wilmot
All other Music by Soundstripe
If you want great music for your podcast and social content, you can get 10% OFF unlimited licensable music at Soundstripe Music. Go to thekindoflove.com/promo
SHOW NOTESIntro
00:00 min
Welcome to TKOL Podcast.. I'm Aaron Tosti.
A while back a good friend of mine said I should write a book called "The kind of love I'm getting I don't want, and the kind of love I want I ain't getting." an autobiography of weird love stories... so I made it into a podcast.
Not only to share my stories, but other peoples stories... maybe even yours.
Love gets weird some times right ? ...tell me about it
40 sec
Beginning Narration
Welcome back...
If you've just tuned in to TKOL Podcast. There's been a little shift.
Over the past 10 years I've been doing self development work, and started this podcast as a way to share what I I've learned as a Coach..
...but it just got so serious there for a minute. And I realized that sharing peoples stories is what's most impactful.. and when we can look back and laugh at the past, it shows we've evolved forward.
My guest this episode is Tamar.
She is returning as a redemption to a past episode. She talked about connecting to your sensuality, but at the time was recovering from an abusive relationship
So she's back to share that story and how as a women of the healing arts, she has found it vital and an expression of self-love to return to the inner work after a toxic relationship.
Tamar is a teacher, coach, spiritual guide, shaman with 24 years experience in women’s health, holistic healing, wellness, feminine shamanic traditions and natural birth.
If you’d like to connect with her you can visit tamargail.com or find her on instagram @tamargail
She shares some funny dating stories, the best compliment she's ever received, and we talk about how much being your authentic Self is so important in dating and relationships..
… and some of the healing work she’s recently been up to.
2:15 min / 3:15 min - Intro to Tamar
Tamar does all of the healing things…
..and she is a certified Doula
She has not practiced since she was in France.
Tamar loves putting the power back in women’s hands.
4:10 min
Tamar’s been in the healing arts since 1999
4:30 min
Aaron Talks about how everything you want is on the other side of the “inner work”
Tamar says, “and thats a good intro for me to Make Up for Last time”
Last episode they had such a good conversation before the episode and didn’t know what to talk about when it came time to record.
Tamar had taken a 2 year sabbatical from her work.
Last podcast, Tamar had gone through an abusive relationship and had ignored her inner knowing.
She could not understand how someone doing similar work as her could be so abusive.
6:50 min
After Tamar had a divorce she walked into a toxic relationship, but her heart wasn’t open.
She was in lock down, he broke her leg, and put a knife to her throat.
She thought it wouldn’t effect her, but when she returned to the U.S. she realized that it did.
She got back into the healing work for herself. She sat at her parents in the forrest and did all of her work.
8:50 min
The part that was missing was that Tamar knew she had to get back into a relationship to heal.
It was scary at first, and the first person she met was a “test” and he was very similar as her ex.
She started to trust herself this time and the next few men Tamar dated were incredible.
…little by little it helped.
10:40 min
Aaron said, “It’s changing the purpose around your relationship.”
Tamar said, “It’s made me stronger”
“It brought it back to you” - Aaron
11:20 min
It’s like instead of going into relationships to see what you can get out of it, go into them with the purpose to heal.
What does a secure relationship look like ? And not be so tied up in an anxious outcome.
It teaches you to be secure within yourself.
Each can bring a balance to the other in a healthy way.
13 min
The most loving thing Tamar had to do for herself was coming back to herself and doing the healing work.
God and the universe said “Nope, you’re coming back to do the work.”
This was a good mirror for Aaron, he’s been integrating mind, body soul
14:20 min
Love yourself through the things that come up in the present moment.
Honor where you are and go a little deeper each time.
15 min
Aaron asks about the funniest way Tamar’s ever been asked out.
Tamar said the guy who was a “Test” chased her down the isle and he said “does that mean you don’t date”
She prayed “God you’re going to have to send some guy to my front door, cause I’m not going out.”
17 min
One pet peeve that Tamar hates is when guys go “pst” to get her attention. She would ignore them and they would keep doing it. So she would turn around and tell them to open a door.
Who wants to be called out with an animal noise?
18:25 min
When new followers who advertise to him, Aaron says “hard pass.”
Aaron got AI dating advise … on post was about “pan-dating” and another was a laptop and on the screen is says “before you date someone have them use a computer with slow internet.”
19:30 min
They say to wait a few dates in to catch red flags when you’re in early dating.
Tamar is herself and does that for a reason when she dates.
Aaron asks, “Please be your authentic self.”
Being an empathetic person you can tell when someone isn’t being authentic.
Aaron Jokes… “Show me your most inauthentic self first.”
21 min
Tamar talks about how authenticity is so important.
When we can be our authentic self first, it attracts who likes us as our authentic self.
Tamar likes when she meets guys in her bathing suit with no make up.
Go be you.
Tamars favorite compliment is “you’re the weirdest person I’ve ever met”
It means someone likes you for who you truly are, and that you’re different than everybody else.
23 min
Tamar shares a story about a great date where she opened up about this vision she had.
And her date was really in it with her, and told her she was the weirdest girl he had ever met.
It means a man sees a women like no one else.
“We’re falling in mutual weirdness together.” - Dr. Suess
25:50 min
Tamar talks about a workshop and zoom call she did after getting back to the healing work.
Welcome to the redemption part of this episode.
Tamar talks about the 3 activation points to step into your embodied feminine.
She encouraged them to breath into the pelvis and just by doing that, it’s so important for activating feminine energy
You are activating your life force energy.
28:15 min
Being totally aware and that present is not something we're used to, so it’s retraining the body.
It’s fascinating how the breathe is so simple, but so important for healing trauma.
Tamars journey brought her to her traumatic birth
She would hold her breathe while running track.
Aaron also went into the incubator when he was born due to shortness of breathe and possible brain damage.
31:20 min
Aaron’s been focusing on his breathe, and stirred up a lot of emotions.
Kick boxing helped Tamar move through trauma.
Like yoga, you are being present and noticing whatever comes up.
Tamar says we don’t realize how the first few minutes of birth can have an effect on how we create in life
Aaron mentions how it also effects your attachment and proximity to mom or a nurturing caregiver.
34 min
Tamar is back in Miami, grounded and doing breathe workshops.
Breathing is so powerful for healing trauma.
Her client was working through all sexual energy.
The kundalini energy joins in the heart, and can bring up something on a collective level and heal trauma in a somatic way.
It releases DMT in the brain.
36:45 min
Dreams were coming up for her client around having intercourse with someone, but that was her working through the shadows.
That person represented another aspect of her.
You’re healing and accepting parts of yourself.
It has to be integrated instead of ignored.
That shadow part was created to protect
38:14 min
Aaron gets “tweaked” when talking about “self love”
Cause you’re talking about loving those parts of yourself.
Tamar says “it’s not all like this, but one client went home and astral traveled.”
It brings new meaning to the phrase “getting high on your own supply.”
39:50 min
Tamar’s been studying a new course and getting clear.
Tamar is in her flow !
Tamar said, “It’s been good to catch up, Aaron. It’s been too long.”
40:30 min Closing
Hey, Thank you so much for listening!
Make sure to click that subscribe button so you don’t miss an episode.
And another great way to support this podcast is to leave a 5 star review wherever you listen to this podcast and tell us what you love about the episode.
It helps us grow by sharing stories that resonate.
You can also find us on the web at thekindoflove.com
Also on instagram @TKOL.Podcast
Or you can follow me personally @aarontosti
Thanks again,
I’m Aaron.
Best of Love to You
-
Aaron talks with his very first self-love client, Kira, about how she went from past toxic relationships to relaxing into a safe, secure relationship with her husband.
thekindoflove.com
instagram.com/TKOL.Podcast
Instagram.com/Aarontosti
Production by Aaron Tosti
Theme Music by Steve Wilmot
All other Music by Soundstripe
If you want great music for your podcast and social content, you can get 10% OFF unlimited licensable music at Soundstripe Music. Go to thekindoflove.com/promo
SHOW NOTESIntro
00:00 min
Welcome to TKOL Podcast.. I'm Aaron Tosti.
A while back a good friend of mine said I should write a book called "The kind of love I'm getting I don't want, and the kind of love I want I ain't getting." an autobiography of weird love stories... so I made it into a podcast.
Not only to share my stories, but other peoples stories... maybe even yours.
Love gets weird some times right ? ...tell me about it
40 sec
Beginning Narration
It’s funny how things work out sometimes. How we go through different phases and chapters in our lives.. and hopefully learn to laugh off the past, having a leg up on the future.
And when it comes to having a great partnership, it takes a level of self - awareness to understand how you are showing up in a relationship, what patterns you bring with you, and understanding what you really want so you don’t self-neglect, and say yes to something that’s in your best interest.
My guest this episode os actually my first self-love client, Kira.
I invited Kira to share her story, how she was a little nervous getting into a healthy relationship, because when you become familiar with unhealthy relationships.. it can feel anxious getting into a relationship that’s actually secure, safe, and feels good .. because.. you’ve never experienced anything like it before or had that modeled for you..
So Kira shares her story about relaxing into a secure relationship, getting engaged in India, and a a funny story on a toxic ex she used to date before she met her now husband.
2 min
Where it all began… on zoom.
Aaron asks what Kira is up to now.
Aaron met Kira she was dating her now husband and now she has a family and bought a house.
Aaron brought up how the different pockets of LA are for different eras of your life.
3:55 min
Kira’s introduction & enneagram number…
Aaron Introduces Kira as… Mom, Enneagram 3… dominating and winning. OBVIOUSLY.
Kira was already down with the enneagram before coaching with Aaron. She is a Big Taylor Swift Fan and things Taylor is definitely got to be an Enneagram 3.
Aaron and Kira joke about how you can’t tell other enneagram types what their number.
6:10 min
Aaron thanks Kira for coming on to the show and reminds her that she’s his very first self love client.
Kira found out about Aaron and hired him as a coach after listening to an older episode of TKOL Podcast.
Kira grew up as a Southern Californian evangelical.
She wanted to reach out because of the framework Aaron was using to coach and she felt like “he might get me”.
7:50 min
What Kira got out of coaching around “the stories we tell ourselves” doing the inner work…
She has just got out of toxic, abusive relationship and into a new relationship with her now husband.
She knew the patterns she was in.
She didn’t feel good enough for the love that she wanted
9:05 min
Aaron remembers their first discovery call…
Kira was taking about comparing herself to to other people.
It was that feeling of always talking down to yourself, that Kira and Aaron could relate to.
Aaron said he remembers laugh because Kira on the first call said, “I’m already engaged to the man of my dreams.”
She was having a hard time connecting all of the pieces between everything she had always wanted, but didn’t feel all of the old spiraling feelings in the toxic relationships.
She asked Aaron for guidance.
10:30 min
Kira asked her self, “Is this real love? Am I really in love or am am I taking advantage of this guy?”
After having an unhealthy pattern in past relationships and realizing she might be the problem.
She wanted to shift the pattern.
Aaron says, “Sometimes things just become familiar, so the unfamiliar becomes unsafe.”
She thought she might be leading this guy on, and she wanted to be all in.
It wasn’t like the past relationship where people slam doors and run out into the street and say “no wait you’re the love of my life.”
“I’ve never felt grounded and at peace before… something must be wrong.” - Kira
12:50 min
What made Kira shift and want to move forward in the relationship.
Kira answered, “I coached with you.”
Aaron asks Kira was the marker for knowing that “this is a yes for me”.
13:35 min
Kira was able to relax into the connection…
Kira said she realized she could relax into a safe relationship.
… a feeling of safety and green flags.
She didn’t have to worry that he was playing games, go anywhere, or not see her value.
14:05 min
Aaron asks about negative self talk..
He had given Kira some positive practices to combat negative thoughts.
She stopped trying to over analyze and shot negative thoughts down.
She said, “This is good ! It’s like learning a new healthy version of love”.
Instead of shooting down your partner, shooting down your own negative thinking.
15:17 min
Looking back now, what was the biggest impact…
Kira shifted the way she views love in a positive way.
She has higher expectation for herself, her relationship, and Husband
She now tries to remember to practice not thinking about herself or circumstances as negatively.
16:15 min
Catching yourself is the victory…
If you’re overthinking facing self doubt, or comparing yourself.. it’s about catching yourself.
Kira says sometimes the pendulum swings to saying things like “I’m neurotic deal with it.”
Aaron says, “Don’t talk to my friend like that.”
Kira is proud of her neurosis.
17:38 min
Love that part of yourself…
They both laugh and Kira comments... are you sure you don’t want that other coaching call?
Sometimes comedians can be dark but there’s a level of playful self desperation
18:33 min
How Kira and her husband started dating…
Kira and her husband used to work together, but she was going through a bad break up with someone else.
Her now husband was respectfully flirty with her. He was always light hearted and never over the line
20:11 min
Kira used to call her husband “party boy USA”
Her friend challenged her.
Kira just assumed she’d quit her job when her husband was straight forward when they dated
He asked Kira if she would delete the dating apps if they were going to be serious.
21:16 min
Kira appreciated that her husband said, “We’re adults lets communicate clearly.”
It gave Kira the space to make her own decision.
He pursued Kira in a non-needy way and was direct and clear.
22:35 min
Kira says, he’s still like that after 5 years…
Her husband doesn’t like therapy.
We don’t diagnose in coaching, just to be clear.
23:20 min
How her husband proposed…
He took Kira to India.
Kira was genuinely surprised.
Jewelry in India are called “ornaments”, they all went to the jewelry store and there were guys with guns out front.
It was a hectic process of buying ring.
25:07 min
Here husband gives her the choice for how she was getting engaged...
Kira thought the engagement was going to happen at the end of the vacation.
She was wearing traditional Indian clothes because she was told they were going to a fish festival.
But they never needed up going.
27:50 min
He gets down on one knee…
He takes her in his mom room and asks if she wants to be apart of his family.. forever.
It was a sneaky way to get her all dressed up.
It was all a surprise set up.
28:40 min
Kira was Sent a picture of the ring in the box by her husbands daughter, and asked “Will you marry my stupid dad?”
They had a big dinner instead of the fish festival.
29:42 min
Aaron asks, “was that TKOL you wanted?”
Kira says “I’ve been amazed every day”
Gone through phases, and it keeps getting better
30:24 min
Aaron says “ I had nothing to do with this, you have a magical relationship.”
Kira said coaching with Aaron helped her relax into a sense of safety.
She said her husband was so sure, and she didn’t want to be unsure.
31:38 min
It’s a choice to love someone..
Getting clear about the relationship
Coaching with Aaron helped Kira sort through the unwanted patterns.
32:34 min
Kira is winning and the Enneagram 3 affirmation Jar
Kira won the relationship with herself.
Kira is winning at life.
33:02 min
Remembering past weird dates…
Kira has other friends with weird love stories that are invited on the podcast.
Use to be with abusive people
34:12 min
Kira’s Ex told her friends he wasn’t an alcoholic..
He tricked her into by saying, “Just between you and me”
Friend thought Kira was drunk all of the time...
Wasn’t romantic, but abusive…
35:55 min
Looking back as an adult and a mom now
Kira realized she her ex had Creeper vibes
911 had to tell Kira‘s ex that he wasn’t gonna die.
37 min
Aaron asked What does self development/therapy world needs
There’s a lot of reflecting to a place of pain
Celebrate growth, and feeling good.
Sometimes there’s too much self diagnosing in the self development world.
38:30 min
What post traumatic growth
Not feel trapped self development purgatory
39:29 min
Thank you, Kira!
Can we laugh about the past and move forward?
46:30 min Closing
Hey, Thank you so much for listening!
Make sure to click that subscribe button so you don’t miss an episode.
And another great way to support this podcast is to leave a 5 star review wherever you listen to this podcast and tell us what you love about the episode.
It helps us grow by sharing stories resonate.
You can also find us on the web at thekindoflove.com
Also on instagram @TKOL.Podcast
Or you can follow me personally @aarontosti
Thanks again,
I’m Aaron.
Best of Love to You
-
In this episode Aaron talks with Relationship Coach, Jenny Rain, about facing conflict in a healthy and even sometimes funny way. It’s about telling your truth, being heard, and how to navigate emotional activating moments.
SHOW NOTESIntro
00:00 min
Welcome to TKOL Podcast.. I'm Aaron Tosti.
A while back a good friend of mine said I should write a book called "The kind of love I'm getting I don't want, and the kind of love I want I ain't getting." an autobiography of weird love stories... so I made it into a podcast.
Not only to share my stories, but other peoples stories... maybe even yours.
Love gets weird some times right ? ...tell me about it
40 sec
Beginning Narration
Everyone loves conflict right? Ha!
If that were the case I think a lot of life would be much easier to navigate if we could embrace conflict better and learn how to resolve it in a healthy way.
To help unpack that conversation…
I'm excited to introduce you to my friend, Relationship Coach and fellow trauma-informed practitioner.. Jenny Rain.
Jenny and I met in the same trauma-informed practitioner camp. We share a similar sense of humor about the process of healing relationships.
We chat about doing our own inner work while going through the trauma-informed process, share each other’s approach to conflict, plus some funny, helpful ways to bring the inner work into conflict in a little lighter, accessible way.
Jenny is finalizing her PHD Candidacy and also brings other modalities like brain spotting into her coaching.
We cover a lot in this episode about the inner work, being a wounded healer, power dynamics in business, emotional regulation, playfully responding in conflict, responding in kindness and honesty, what to do when you are emotionally activated/ triggered, conflict resolution between men and women… and it all ends with a funny story on how Jenny's family dealt with conflict during the holidays.
It might get serious, it might get funny.. here we go..
2:15 min
Jenny able to people that are deconstruction from religious trauma, and it’s so interesting that relationship and relationship healing are so similar.
2:53 min
Aaron said that everything in the last year and a half is a ironic bitch slap in the face by the universe.
After become a trauma informed, life purpose coach… he feels like he lost a sense of purpose and got re-traumatized for a moment.
3:35 min
It’s about the wounded healer…
No one tells you how much the inner work is going to help you, but you have to do the work.
Aaron starts to tear up sometimes when helping clients.
4:33 min
“The wounded child I see in you I see in myself.” - Aaron
The patterns and parts in the client reflect where you’ve been.
But you can’t let the wounded partner drive.
Jenny teases Aaron for typing “Thera-couching… and Aaron replied with “Siri is gaslighting me.”
Talk about a toxic relationship right ?
5:37 min
We are going to talk about our favorite topic.... CONFLICT!
No one has to deal with conflict right ?
Jenny was shocked at a statistic that said that Women avoid conflict at twice the rate of men, and are least likely to repair.
The #1 question Jenny gets is “How do I handle this conflict?"
Jenny helps them have a healthy framework.
It’s like the angry women wondering if she should walk on egg shells.
Women can read the room, and back out before they step into it8 min
Especially the Power dynamics in Business settings, conflict gets really uncomfortable.
If someone hasn’t had healthy conflict modeled as a child - people are either aggressive or avoidant
Kid’s aren’t taught how to navigate conflict.8:50 min
Aaron and Jenny joke about how Aaron loves conflict. Aaron loves to take on all of the conflict of the room, and let the mind de-web of inner chaos.
People have a hard time saying what's true for them, and that seems whats underneath.
"How's the other person going to react based on my truth "
Jenny says to be totally honest and totally kind, but as this necessary at this time?
But if anything hijacks you, it seems like that frame work doesn’t exist.
10:45 min
That’s called emotional disregulation.
But you have to get to center in the order of regulate, relate, then reason.
Aaron tells clients, it's ok to feel totally of, and just PAUSE the conversation.
Jenny talks about certain times to talk, her rule is “No conflict before coffee.”
Jenny says it’s about learning to have certain safe phrases when conflict comes.
Some times Jenny’s partner verbally processes talk over her internal processing.
Jenny “will just say “I need a minute" and Pause
12:50 min
Aaron has heard of couples using playful cues. They will play hide and seek, liking hiding behind the couch.
It pulls in PLAY which is the opposite of trauma and toxic behavior.When Jenny gets activated, she gets lost for words.
14:00 min
When Aaron gets active, he breaths.
Aaron is a man of few words, and often stumbles over his words.
So Aaron practices a lot of active listening.
The chatter in the mind that is happening Aaron notices it, but knows not completely address it when listening to someone else. It usually comes back.
Allow yourself to slow down, and say what you mean.
Knowing when someone is not ready to hear what I have to say.
15:20 min
Aaron was in a group open conversation. Everyone had already said their piece, so all said was”I feel x y and z, and asked "is this the best response?"
It’s a small statement and a question.
16:00 min
Ideas are like arrows, straight and to the point. Aaron has had to do a lot of practice around that.
Jenny reflects on Aaron handling conflict and said Aaron has a calm steady presence.
It’s about stepping outside yourself and look at the 40k ft view to ask the best healing question.
And also doing reflective listening.
Taking time out before we come to judgments17:20 min
So much of conflict is the somatic stories and the meaning we give it in our brain.
Some times you’re flooded with emotions.
It’s about slowing down and putting distance between you and an activated part.
Shockingly enough it is possible to stay regulated in conflict18:30 min
Aaron says that everyone should buy a boxing bag and have a room where they work out the activation.
Men amaze Jenny, “Guys can go out side, punch in each other in the nose, and now we're bro's"
It’s about moving through the emotionJenny said we’ve lost the ability to have healthy conflict and "the public square”.
People don't know how to fight fair, and hit below the belt.
You can’t have a satisfying relationship with someone if you haven’t learned the skills to have a disagreement in a healthy way.
20:30 min
That comes from the greater global community, where we’re loosing the ability to debate and have dissagreeemt… the micro and the macro.
It’s like hiding behind our cars
I watch a friend tear up after expressing herself fully, because it’s scary, as the peace maker, to share the truth.
21:30 min
Often women are conditioned to be the "good girl”, and not take the lead or us their voice.
Women are silenced to not be able to state their needs and wants, and when they feel safe to express themselves it becomes vulnerable.
Create enough space for her, to express herself..
If a women can speak her truth, she feels safe, welcomed and validated.
23 min
The hardest lesson for Jenny was not to run from conflict in a relationship. If she had a need or want, she had to ask.
Jenny had a conversation with her partner where she told him “it’s more important to be heard than to get what she wants.”
Her partner became a student of her, and her needs and wants.
Her partner said, “I need to know" if this is one of those moments.
Be able to hold what we want for need in conflict, is massively helpful.
25 min
Jenny tells her clients that don’t feel heard in conflict…
It’s about honesty, so communicating that you’re not being heard.
Is it a pattern or micro moment?
I need to stop you, and I just need to know I’m being heard.You can't make someone hear and understand you, it’s physically impossible.
It’s more important to hear your voice than get what you want.
If you’re noticing that it’s a pattern you have to ask if this is going to be team player or not.
Is this a one time thing or a pattern?
27:40 min
Jenny asks Aaron what he does.
People can get hung up on the micro moments being patterns.and think
Aaron shifts things in the moment. You are always showing and teaching someone the response that you are looking for.
Aaron is all about the PAUSE.
Whats the response that you need right now?
Give yourself what you need and what's in your best interest.
Like saying, ”um but", I could have held a pause there instead of trying to get to my point faster.
Whats the response that you wish that you had?
You get the power to negotiate that moment with yourself
Model and Mirror back what you want to see in your relationship.
30:15 min
What Jenny saw Aaron do in the course correction in the moment, can be true for conflict.
Time out and say “I need to rewind and let me try that again"
Remember that conflict is not a contest, then get curious, course correct, and show compassion.
Always remember that you're on the same team. You’re not fighting against each other but going towards a goal.Don't make a micro issue a relationship defining moment.
32:25 min
Thats the straw that broke the camels back moment.
It’s the moments when we’re extremely activated and it’s asking yourself if you’re "in it" or "with it”
When you're activated, triggered, and in your whammy.
Be with that micro-moment, not in it. If you let that take over that becomes the somatic narrative.
If you get hijacked by your part, the conflict is being driven by that traumatized part.
People get hijacked and Jenny asks "who am I fighting with right now?" .. it's like a mask over who they are.
Conflict patterns come from family over origin dynamics.
Jenny says it's like “boxing with ghosts”, when a part of someone is fighting with a past family member.
35:55 min
Conflict is one of the best revealer of the inner work. Bingo Jenny you got it!
Thats just a part of that person reacting, so start naming your parts.
Can that part go off duty for a moment.
Being attuned to whats going on.
37 min
Aaron asks Jenny what she would suggest as first steps for someone who's thinking about getting a therapist or a life coach.
When you can't solve the issue, and you’ve done everything you can think of it. When you’re dating the same person different name with same issues.
Some people go straight to therapist, but Jenny would like to see people explore trauma-informed coaching. Therapist are becoming coaches now.
Aaron makes alphabet jokes...
Just get help.
38:45 min
Jenny tried for several years trying to do it on her own but it always got her back to the same place.
The only thing that Jenny knew was best to get support.
Jenny's partner is so thankful for her therapists.
People need support getting through relationship issues.
Jenny's teaches rupture and repair tools.
It's tools not tactics Aaron.
Jenny is launching her course called Courageous Conflict and another short workshop on Boundaries.
It’s about not being so fearful of conflict.
If we can get better at conflicts, all relationships will get better.
40:40 min
You've got to know the terrain and the “conflict landscape”… with landmines
Some people are walking landmines.
Jenny's funny way of disrupted a conflict and bring levity…
One side of Jenny’s family is conservative and the other is super liberal.
And the family would sing “Happy Holidays” carols
42:30 min
Cory Wong has a reel on instagram where the new boy asks about music, the family gets into a fight over music.
And then then new boyfriend ask “so what do you think about politics?”
Each family member had extreme political views, but didn’t let politics get in the way
But Aaron likes the caroling… just find the one thing that you have in common.
44:40 min
This was fun.
Aaron loves chatting and asked Jenny back to bring the arsenal of modalities… parts work, IFS, and all of the things...
Jenny is a PhD candidate and will be hopefully be finalized by March of 2024.
Aaron's on the sideline rooting for Jenny !
46:30 min Closing
Hey, Thank you so much for listening!
Make sure to click that subscribe button so you don’t miss an episode.
And another great way to support this podcast is to leave a 5 star review wherever you listen to this podcast and tell us what you love about the episode.
It helps us grow by sharing stories resonate.
You can also find us on the web at thekindoflove.com
Also on instagram @TKOL.Podcast
Or you can follow me personally @aarontosti
Thanks again,
I’m Aaron.
Best of Love to You
-
Aaron talks to his good friend and branding consultant Wendell Moon about what your personal brand really means, and Wendell shares some funny stories about dating a con artist and more.
thekindoflove.com
instagram.com/TKOL.Podcast
Instagram.com/Aarontosti
Production by Aaron Tosti and Eric Hood
Theme Music by Steve Wilmot
All other Music by Soundstripe
If you want great music for your podcast and social content, you can get 10% OFF unlimited licensable music at Soundstripe Music. Go to thekindoflove.com/promo
SHOW NOTESIntro
00:00 min
Welcome to TKOL Podcast.. I'm Aaron Tosti.
A while back a good friend of mine said I should write a book called "The kind of love I'm getting I don't want, and the kind of love I want I ain't getting." an autobiography of weird love stories... so I made it into a podcast.
Not only to share my stories, but other peoples stories... maybe even yours.
Love gets weird some times right ? ...tell me about it
40 sec
Beginning Narration
I’ve been waiting for quite some time to introduce you to my good friend Wendell.
He’s apart of how this whole podcast got started.
Think of this episode as behind the scenes, letting you in on what this podcast is all about.
A while back I met my now good friend Wendell Moon, a Brand Architect and Coach.
He helped me think about my personal brand and strategy, and kind of a thumbprint you might say for how I wanted to approach TKOL.
I was really passionate about taking what I had learned as coach and my own self-development journey, and getting into the hands of others
Feeling like this was long form content, I asked Wendell to help me, and I thought I’d bring him on to tell that story, why I’m circling back to telling funny stories.. and you’ll hear about what he does.
Branding, Networking, Building a business all seemed impersonal and I had a lot of resistance at first.
Wendell brought a fresh perspective about personal branding.
It helped me think differently about it and creating a podcast that would evolve..
Plus Wendell shares some funny dating stories..
And in true friendship form, Wendell and I start off the conversation bantering…
1:45 min
Coffee talk and riffing about monks, hops, gift shops, and scented candles.
3:10 min
This is Wendell and Aaron’s routine and rapport, to riff for about 5-10 minutes before it gets serious.
Wendell and Aaron oscillate from serious to ridiculous humor.
4:10 min
Wendell got introduced by someone saying, “Wendell has A LOT of energy”.
They walk away from their time together always laughing. It’s like leaving through the “laughing gift shop”
But thats why Aaron brought Wendell in for an episode… It’s about lightening the load and bringing levity, but also… You gotta show up if you want to get it done.
———
5:30 min
Wendell’s “first love” story…
You never really know someone ‘til you’ve laughed with them.
A mentor said to Wendell… “If you love someone, sit down and do taxes with them.”
It’s important to do those real life things with your partner
It’s important to carve out time with your partner.
Time is never kind but it’s always available to those that decide it’s important.
7:20 min
“If you believe in something you have to make time for it” - Wendell Moon
Time is another word for attention. When we say “I don’t have time” , we really mean “we don’t know how to give it attention.
Woah, You just killed my vibe bro !
People have a hard time, eating their vegetable, they need to put ranch on them.
Quickest way to being a victim is throwing your hands up and saying “I don’t know”.
9:00 min
Wendell is a recovering people pleaser, and an Enneagram 3 with a strong 2 wing. He likes to help people, but he got too much identity out of how others feel.
There’s a lot of similarities between Aaron and Wendell grewing up in California in a conservative Christian culture.
Wendell had a college counselor assume some things about him because he was homeschooled.
Wendell had lived a lot of life before college.
12 min
Wendell was suppose to go through a special program. He had to take a test for it, then nailed it.
Wendell’s mentor was one of the first people that changed his mind about himself. Up until that point Wendell thought he wasn’t smart.
13:45 min
Be humble but know your worth.
When we are talking about business relationships we are just talking about relationships. It’s really that simple. We complicated because we put expectation on others that are not based in real time.
Wendell has a big, strange, robust imagination.
Learning how to speak up for ourselves without reacting to the other person, is a powerful thing to learn.
Enjoy being you, enjoy life and having fun, and be a little more clear about what you need
Aaron gets relationship-y and talks about seeing the reflections in your relationships.
It might get loud, serious, loud and fun…. It’s all apart it
The most empowering thing is to ask what you need.
Find the freedom to be your most unapologetic, authentic self and attract what you’re looking for.
Thats when you really show up for yourself and become an active participant in the engagement of the experiencing you’re having.
———
16:40 min
Aaron says, “This is ‘the conversation about the conversation.’ and then gave Wendell a hard time for name dropping Rob Bell.
Do you feel the love?
Aaron brings up the podcast title and then jokes about how Wendell used to call it “THAT kind of love”
Originally, Wendell suggested to Aaron to set up the podcast episodically, which set up the TKOL Podcast to evolve.
———
19:05 min
Wendell shares another Love Story…
Wendell found out that he dated a con artist.
He found out sipping Manhattan’s talking to his buddy who had dated the same person at the same time.
They laughed so hard the restaurant staff had to come over to check on them.
They both got played! They lost the relationship but they won the lottery, because they both dodged a huge bullet.
21:40 min
We just can’t see everything when we’re “in it”. This is why we need relationships… we are relational beings.
We need people to call us out on our 💩
Wendell thanks his wife for calling him out when other people were taking advantage of him.
She helped him begin to reassess who he was giving his time and attention.
Wendell says, “Think about your ROI in your relationships.”
Take care of yourself so you can more effectively take care of others
If your needs are not being met, getting met move on.
23:50 min
People talk about being burnt out, but what are you giving your time and attention to?
You keep eating, drinking, consuming, and being around toxic things and people, no wonder you’re exhausted.
It’s the Zen of it all. Aaron talks about relationship as 3 energies… give, take and receive.
If you’re giving too much of your time and attention to something that’s not serving you, well then don’t give your time and attention to that thing, cause it’s not giving back what you’re here to do, be or experience.
- Aaron Tosti
———
25:10 min
What Wendell does…
Some say “ Wendell BS’s for a living.”
Wendell gives a quote from Gutzon Borglum who sculpted Mount Rushmore instead of telling us what he does.
“The faces are already in the mountain, it’s my job to bring them out.” - Gutzon Borglum
Thats what he does with branding, Wendell is a Brand Architect.
Helping Business leaders artichect brand experiences.
28:40 min
Aaron says, you gave me the full experience, before the pitch.”
Wendell says, “You lose people with the elevator pitch.”
For a min lets get to know one another.
Be human and share what’s relatable.
———
28:35 min
Aaron brings the conversation back to the con artist relationship story and asks Wendell…
“Was that TKOL you were getting that you didn’t want,
or … was that TKOL you wanted that you didn’t get.”
Wendell says, “Both”
Wendell’s relationship patterns… he had a trend of being the “savior” in his earlier relationships. He was always trying to save or help someone.
It wasn’t until his friends pointed it out
He would date bright, beautiful, aspirational women, and then be ghosted for weeks. They showed back up like nothing was wrong.
The people Wendell dated would be surprised when he asked very simple questions like… “Where have you been for several weeks.
Last thing he knew they were on the beach having fun talking about spending a life together, then he was ghosted for 2 weeks…. WTF ?
We don’t get to go backwards, but we do get “do-overs” as we move forward.
Looking back, that was a moment Wendell could have spoken up for his needs.
There was always a “victim story” from the other person.
32:05 min
So much of Wendell’s past relational patterns came from the environment he grew up in.
It was a culture where he was required to “help everyone” and be the general manager of the universe.
Wendell had other people call him out and help him see these things about himself.
This is why it’s important to have a therapist.
Therapists help you see things that you cant see for yourself.
Ask yourself, “What’s the role that I want to play?”
Do you want to enjoy your life, or do you want to be holding a heavy projection of yourself?
34 min
Relating to what Wendell was saying, Aaron shared that he got called out one time for dating “projects”. But, they’re people not projects.
That’s not the kind of love I’m looking for…
Wendell grew up in a lot of Trauma. And then he had to help people in high stress environments.
But… We go with what we know.
Am I attracting the things and people and relationships I want?
When we have clarity and find joy… we attract different kinds of voices.
35:45 min
Another love story… Wendell goes on a Tinder Date, before he meets his wife… also on tinder.
Wendell went on this tinder date that went from 0 to 1000 in 3 dates.
They were ready to come and live with him by that 3rd date.
It was going to be Wendell helping someone out of a hard situation again.
There was a lot of tears when he said no.
37:45 min
Don’t mistake intensity for intimacy….sometimes we don’t know if it’s a trauma response.. butterflies can be a trauma response.
And sometimes the intensities can pull us into roles we don’t want to play.
What Wendell was doing for work had a lot to do with rescuing people.
Don’t translate your competencies from biz relationships into romantic dating relationships.
You can’t get hung up on our partner’s words because of semantics, and then use that against them.
That was something Wendell had to face in his marriage.
Especially when our Identity is wrapped up in what we do not who we are.
____
40:40 min
This can happen with people where your identity is wrapped up in what we do, instead of who we are.
Wendell helps brands effectively talk about who you are not what you do.
We don’t like being sold to.. and we don’t like marketing
We want to connect with people that bring meaningful connection to our lives.
People that matter, you make time for.
It’s important for those making this world better, helping people get better, and are committed heart centered work…. To make sure the relationships in our lives are not on your to-do list.
43:30 min
Wendell shares getting better with business boundaries.
If we’re not careful we can confuse boundaries with isolation and rejection.
“Quietly work, let success speak up.” - Coors
It’s important to do the work.
“Freedom is on the other side of discipline.” - Wendell Moon
“I don't believe people are looking for the meaning of life as much as they are looking for the experience of being alive.”
― Joseph Campbell
45:25 min
It’s about being present.
We osillate from the present and the future.
This is often where people experience burn out is living both in the present, and years into the future
If you really want to set goals take care of you and those closest to you, then plan.
Be present, sharpening your axe, chop wood, rest and repeat.
…then zoom out and dream.
47:25 min
Aaron thanks Wendell for being apart of his journey… not being in the trenches, but along side.
… and for the Birthday Roast.
Wendell thanks Aaron.
And then there’s the short Japanese Whiskey Story where Aaron brought Wendell whiskey at 8:30 in the morning for a Branding Session.
Peace out !
49:20 Closing
Hey, Thank you so much for listening!
Make sure to click that subscribe button so you don’t miss an episode.
And another great way to support this podcast is to leave a 5 star review wherever you listen to this podcast and tell us what you love about the episode.
It helps us grow by sharing stories resonate.
You can also find us on the web at thekindoflove.com
Also on instagram @TKOL.Podcast
Or you can follow me personally @aarontosti
Thanks again,
I’m Aaron.
Best of Love to You
-
In this solo episode …
Aaron talks about the return to the podcast while sharing a bit of his self-development journey. He’s bringing it back full circle to the original idea his friend had… to tell funny love stories. ‘Cause love get’s weird sometimes... tell me about it.
thekindoflove.com
instagram.com/TKOL.Podcast
Instagram.com/Aarontosti
Production by Eric Hood
Theme Music by Steve Wilmot
All other Music by Soundstripe
If you want great music for your podcast and social content, you can get 10% OFF unlimited licensable music at Soundstripe Music. Go to thekindoflove.com/promo
SHOW NOTESIntro
00:00 min
Welcome back everyone... this is the official unpause of TKOL Podcast.
I have taken a break, only to return with a new tone to this podcast ... returning back to where it started and why I call it TKOL in the first place ..
I went through my own personal discovery starting with an emotionally focused therapy, and then love coaches that taught me about mindfulness, and then coming full circle into understanding the body and nervous system.
To sum it up.. I have a mind body and soul approach to healing and having healthy relationships.
And I want to take a lighter look at it…
:45 min
Welcome to TKOL Podcast.. I'm Aaron Tosti.
A while back a good friend of mine said I should write a book called "The kind of love I'm getting I don't want, and the kind of love I want I ain't getting." an autobiography of weird love stories... so I made it into a podcast.
Not only to share my stories, but other peoples stories... maybe even yours.
Love gets weird some times right ? ...tell me about it
1:00 min - The conversation
Why did this podcast get so serious ?
Hi I'm Aaron, I’ve unpaused things at TKOL Podcast.
I wanted to give you an update, a pep talk, and a tell you a bit about my journey up until now.
2:15 min
I went back and listened to the first guest with my friend Josh who originally sparked the idea of the podcast.
I shifted the conversation for a while about the stories we tell ourselves, and the deeper meaning.
3:35 min
But, I just wanted to remember that love can be funny ..
I went on a date, and I was putting a lot of pressure on it and my friend said to me “It’s either going to work out or be a funny story.”
Sometimes we go into relationships and put all of this pressure on relationships and it’s like that scene in Tommy Boy.
But, can we take off the heavy facades that we carry around trying gain social approval and just love people once in a while?
5:30 min
Warning, this might get rant-y, funny, weird and even deep.
I tend to go deep and introspective, but talked to my dad and he said, “I don’t understand, can you hit me with the bottom line.”
Let’s hit dad with the truth
6 min
Sometimes you have to take a pause…
So you can go deep and unpeel all of the layers of your life... but then finally ask what is all of this anyway?
Can I just have a night where I’m dating someone and we’re just laughing on the couch.
The reason I paused was that things were just getting too heavy and deep.
7:20 min
I now reached “self development purgatory” from so much deep stuff.
Maybe you’ve worked with the stories we tell ourselves and other “thought work”
Maybe you’re working on an emotional approach to better health.
Maybe it’s about your physical health and getting stronger.
… I went down that rabbit hole.
I’m more of an analytical and so “the stories we tell ourselves” made sense.
Like the 90’s movie “Big Fish”... it is how you tell the story.
9 min
Mental health is really about emotional health
I was listening to Dr. Joe Dispenza meditations trying to manifest my love life and business in to existence.
You can change your thoughts all you want, but you have this whole thing below your neck called your nervous system that can take over and put you into a survival mode.
I also got into the enneagram and other elf- help stuff.
10:25 min
Ten years ago I was sitting in front of a therapist how I messed up a relationship.
I started questioning my own patterns, but it got so serious.
But I needed to look within and do the inner work.
I wanted to change the patterns of my past and relationship patterswhich got me into all of this work.
11:25 min
It all started with an EFT (emotionally focused therapy), talking about my emotions.
Noticed I was repeating myself and my patterns and what I was taking… AND it was getting kind of expensive.
Then I worked with "love" coaches and they helped me see how we become self fulfilling prophecies.
13 min
I got into all of the mental health things/
I started with mindfulness, observing my thoughts, and it helped me quit smoking.
It’s a form of “narrative therapy”.
But I did a lot of mediations
14 min
I would meditate and feel good for a few hours and then go back to feeling like garbage.
Why I am still sad, depressed, and stressed ?
But I was ignoring the body.
Started doing work with Mastin Kipp who has brought awareness around the idea of how we wire ourselves for relationships down to our nervous system.
I went down a mind, body, soul path.
Let’s acknowledge all of it.
For instance, anxiety is really great for outrunning a predator, but not helpful when.
16 min
Brace yourself here comes a heavy word... trauma.
I heard that the opposite of trauma is humor and play, and I thought to myself “I’ve been going at this all wrong”
17 min
The podcast started with a very funny idea of Josh’s, and I’ve gotten away from it.
It all started with a funny book title
Introspection is interesting, going
But, Like can you also tell me a funny story?
Laughter is letting go and healing your wounds. So We’re going to start laughing from now on.
We’re going to start sharing some weird stories.
18:50 min
I can't live in the "heavy" for too long... I need a pattern interrupt
Life can be light and easy and fun sometimes too.
And I just wanted to tell you that we’re changing things up.
19:40 min
Let’s have Josh back... write it in the review section that you would like to have Josh Hernandez back on TKOL Podcast.
I’m going to have some other familiar people back like coaches, therapists, and maybe even family.
I got “Why So Serious?” From the the movie, the Dark Knight.
Let’s get back to humor and play and long form content.
21:30 min
Told you a little about my journey.
I and ended up coaching for my childhood therapist, it’s like your favorite band asking you to play with them if you were a musician.
22:30 min
Thanks for listening. We’re going to start having some fun.
Take a screenshot of your review about Josh Hernandez and send it to my DM on instagram.
And I’ll give you a surprise coaching session.
23:22 min - Closing
Hey, Thank you so much for listening,
Make sure to click that subscribe button so you don’t miss an episode.
And another great way to support this podcast is to leave a 5 star review wherever you listen to this podcast and tell us what you love about the episode.
It helps us grow by sharing stories resonate.
You can also find us on the web at thekindoflove.com
Also on instagram @TKOL.Podcast
Or you can follow me personally @aarontosti
Thanks again,
I’m Aaron.
Best of Love to You
-
Christie Heppenstall, a Coach & Time Strategist, returns this week to talk about how she found the key to being a high-aching women through self-love and time managment.
christieheppenstallcoaching.com
instagram.com/christieheppenstallcoaching
thekindoflove.com
Instagram.com/Aarontosti
SHOW NOTES:25 min Aaron narrates
Self-love Language what is that? And what does that have to do with Time-management?
And what if moving forward and up word meant taking a moment to step back and examine how you’re running your life.
I brought Christie Heppenstall back in the second have of this conversation to tell you all this. Christie helps high achieving women, and typically moms to up level their life.
We only have a limited amount of time in our life to experience what we want to experience.
Many times if you are running your life on a high level and not paying attention you can run into burn out. You can even lose a relationship over this and not even be enjoying the life that you’re living based on the stress involved trying to be a high achieving human.
So what if you took a step back to really examine your life and ask what’s serving you and not serving. With the limited time that we have, you can do more of what you want to do.
I Christie works with time management and self love strategies and help those that want to enjoy the business and life they’re living.
2 min
Christie has been coaching for 20 years in a business and sales environment. It always comes down to the beliefs that people hold.
Now she focuses on time managment and productivity in personal 1:1 coaching.
Christie looks back over the last 10 years and wishes she had some one show her these skills, and now she’s passionate about helping other women in the same spot.
Christie was needing to find the perfect hack to make it work to try to have a sense of control and feel like she has a place in the world.
4 min
Now she works with women to help them recognize these common traits of really ambitious women. But the same formulas don’t work for business as they do for relationships.
Aaron asks about the lower and higher brain process and how it effects time managment and loving yourself.
The lower brain wants to do all the actions that give us the reward like checking off the to-dos. But you’re actually in autopilot.
But thats the least loving thing you could do for yourself and Christie argues that with others.
It’s all the energy and place you’re coming from. If you’re coming from a place where your cup is full it will be different with whatever you do.
All the days add up of to your life, but you’re doing it from a more authentic place when you’re taking care for yourself.
It’s not going to land the same way because your not loving yourself
6:30 min
Christie suggests getting outside of your bubble and outside of the chaos, no social media.. it’s an exercise to be with yourself.
And then you write down your genius moments of clarity when you are your true self.
Start with what do you actually want in your life. Christie suggests planning out your eulogy, it’s a little dark, but it gets you to think bigger.
You’ll have a bigger reason why.
8:30 min
It’s taking out time for yourself to craft out the legacy and life that you want to leave. Thats the most self-loving thing you can do.
You’re going this with your higher brain, your pre-frontal cortex. It’s whats best for you in the long wrong.
The lower brain asks what’s good right now, which will be a completely different result.
To do lists are toxic and shame and guilt inducing.
9:50 min
Christie’s way of replacing the To-Do List is every Sunday evening she sits down and gets everything out of her brain.
You get everything out of your head that you feel you have to do. Half the battle is getting it out.
You cross things off that others could do or what doesn’t aline with your goals.
You add in what self care means to you. It’s taking time for yourself. Add it all to the list
12 min
You put it all into your calendar. Like booking a trip to Austin, you decide how long it’s going to take ahead of time.
Christie highly recommend morning time of 20 min before the kids get up.
It starts with yourself. The Oxygen mask analogy can get people pleasy if we’re still doing it from a place of only doing it for others.
14 min
Christie’s future self would tell her past self just to slow down and write down how you’re thinking and feeling.
When you Slow down it will speed you up for what you really want in life.
You’re one thought away
15:50 min
Christie typically helps high performing women with a couple gives and realize that something’s got to give.
The problem internal struggle is perfection, people pleasing, and when you do something it doesn’t feel authentic.
They are overwhelmed because they look at their schedule and realize they have to do it all.
The real help is discovering what thoughts and beliefs have us in this season of life.
17:50 min
The women Christie works with are looking for peace, purpose, and simplicity.
You can contact Christie on her website Christieheppenstallcoaching.com and her instagram.com/christieheppenstall
Christie gives a detailed 5 step program for ridding your to-do list.
20:10 Aaron Closes
Thanks so much for listening if you enjoy this episode and you rethought having a better relationship with yourself around time management. I’d love to know about it. Please leave a review and tell us your experience or share it with a friend.
If you’d like to connect with Christie Heppenstall you can find her on instagram.com/christieheppenstall Coaching or on her website Christieheppenstallcoaching.com
If you are hurt and heartbroken and would like to reclaim your self-worth and feel confident and whole again I’d love to support you.
Feel free to follow me on Instagram.com/AaronTosti or connect with me at thekindoflove.com.
You’ve been listening to TKOL podcast.
I’m Aaron.
Best of love to you.
-
bettermenfilmclub.com
instagram.com/bettermenfilmclub/
thekindoflove.com
Instagram.com/Aarontosti
SHOW NOTES::29 min Aaron Talks
Thank you so much for listening. There is so much content out there. There is so many people with microphones in from tof their faces. So may movies.. that I appreciate you taking the time to listen to this.
We’ve had so many moves that have shaped us. When I started this podcast it came from this idea that we can attach ourselves to other peoples stories and characters in movies.
In the first season of TKOL I talked about movies and songs that shaped my early years and thinking.
Recently a friend and fellow coach Nick Flora, who’s been on the podcast before, has started Better Men Film Club where men get together and talk about the deeper meaning behind movies and the characters.
I thought I would bring Nick back to tell us what he’s up to.
2 min
Welcome back Nick ! Aaron talked about the movie High Fidelity in the first season and nick says thats the perfect entry point to Better Men Film Club.
There was a lot of one demential feelings in movies from similar movies. And Nick says when we were younger we dated girls cause they had our favorite bands T-shirt on.
4 min
BMFC is a space for men open p the capacity to go deeper
Nick and Aaron are a different breed of men who like to look underneath and ask deeper questions.
Aaron Talks about rob Jordan being self involved and how he related a lot at a young age to the character and even his transformation.
6:30 min
Nick says to take the next step to do something different instead of being surface level or one demential.
Nick says whatever makes you look at things outside of yourself while you’re also going in and example
A lot of time people attach themselves to stories in movies, like Aaron’s friend did with Back to the Future.
7:50 min
Aaron Asks how Nick facilitates the BMFC. Nick just restarted it. And they talked about the movie Stand By Movie and immediately shared things together.
If you went to tell a story about your childhood you would just repeat what you’ve told before but through the lens of a movie it makes you rethink and resurface new things.
11 min
Nick says we are visual creatures and sometimes it takes relating to a Character in a movie.
Art allows us to see something different about ourselves.
Nick says it’s like an empathy playground to Relate to different characters
13 min
It’s a gateway to looking at deeper emotions.
Aaron says because he’s seen men taught to suppress anger, he’s related to characters like being The Hulk with anger and about to go green.
Aaron Mentions another episode why men need each other.
Nick says men could understand that what we’ve been taught sometimes is actually the opposite like vulnerability.
Vulnerability is strength not a weakness, like asking for help or admitting that you don’t know something.
15 min
Historically a lot of white men has looked stupid because we were closed.
But asking for help is a power move.
Nick has learned so much by shutting up and listening. He says it’s important that we shut up and listen to learn more
16:40 min
Nick mentions the Chris Rock and Will smith slap. And what if we asked more questions about that ?
Do your family feel safe when you respond in violence?
What are you doing that you think is one way that’s actually coming off another way ?
18:30 min
Aaron asks what if Will Smith would have paused to reframe that moment. What would have been a different outcome ?
Will had so much time to rethink, so many steps to reconsider.
20 min
The messages we’ve been told through movies is to stand up and be a man. But, It’s our jobs as humans to be more evolved.
Aaron and Nick joke that BMFC is like fight club but just punching our emotions.
Aaron asks how this has made lives better.
22 min
It’s invited men to have more conversations and rethink the way they’re doing things.
Nick says we’re the first generation to be more inclusive and a little more in touch.Men walk away rethinking their relationship dynamic.
24 min
Men are taught that if it has too much complexity to drop out.
Men are attracted to the machines.Men wishing things for simpler.
Nick says we need to Understand that men have both feminine and masculine. Men tend to only tap into the masculine because of society.
Able to listen to a song and watch a movie and have emotions around it.
27:30 min
Nick jokes that he comes with a lot, it’s never a little… like the Catalina wine mixer.
Nick would like BMFC to grow. It’s like writing a song. You dream big. Just let it be what it is.29:30 min
It’s the butterfly effect. You can’t change the whole world, but you can change your world right now. You only have control over that.
What are we doing if we’re not trying to be better and hopefully heal trauma.
Take that and pass it along to the next person.
31:30 min
Reimagining our meaning that we’re making up around our experiences.
Which character do you connect with?
You can go to bettermenfilmclub.com and sign up for their events in April.
32:50 min
Podcast is going every week with nicks friend who’s on a similar journey.
The podcast is equal parts movie nerd and equal parts looking out ourselves
Aaron could spend a lot more time but
34 min
Aaron Talks about how Forrest Gump gets him every time and his emotional intelligence.
He accepts everyone and accepts his callings.Nick Flora, FG says yes to his calling and just loves everyone he comes in contact with.
He has mental issues but no qualms with who he is.
36:30 min
Aaron says, “Yes Forrest. Life is like a box of chocolates.”
37:20 min Aaron Closes
What do you think about attaching yourself to a character in a movie?
If you want to conned with Nick on every platform under Better Men Film Club.If you are hurt and heartbroken and wanting to heal from a past relationship and find self-worth. You can reach out to me.
You’ve been listening to TKOL Podcast.
I’m AaronBest of Love to You.
-
Christie Heppenstall, a Coach & Time Strategist, joins Aaron this week to tell her story about how she stopped the cycle of high-achieving mom guilt by changing her thoughts and drinking habits.
christieheppenstallcoaching.com
instagram.com/christieheppenstallcoaching
thekindoflove.com
Instagram.com/Aarontosti
SHOW NOTES:25 min Aarons Talks
So since I’ve started this podcast it’s been centered around having a better relationship with yourself and reframing, rethinking, reimagining what it looks like on the life and love you desire.
Sometimes you have to ask yourself if what you’re doing is serving your higher good and the good for those around you.
Life happens, things come up, habits get forms.. you continue grow into who you want to be or someone you don’t want to be. It’s more about how you respond to life relationships love all of it
This weeks guest is my new wonderful friend Christie Heppenstall who is a transformational coach that works around time management but her discovery around being a high achieving human and the coping mechanism she fell into..
A very socially acceptable copy mechanism… A glass of wine.
every day to lessen the stress around being a high achieving businesswoman and mom.
I think for a lot of us and especially if you’re a parent who is also having a full-time job or a business owner it’s easy to slip into habits that make the hard parts of life even harder.
Really wanted Christie to start off by sharing her story around how she freed herself from mom guilt by stop drinking.. and continued her path as a high achieving businesswoman… just by observing her thinking.
3:30 min
Christie Begins telling Aaron her story about how she quit drinking.
She had equated her achievements at work with her self-worth.
6 min
Christie was doing well achieving until she had kids. And got really into time scheduling hacks. She realized she couldn’t control everything in her environment.
She would get into cycles where she was ambish
Christie thought by playing more additional roles she could get ride of mom guilt.
She tried to solve her feelings by doing more and playing all of these roles..
8:30 min
Her mantra was “I’m fine” mixed with perfection and having to do everything at her best.Christie would hit overwhelm. She had to wear the mask of “ having it all together.”
She would try to be zen, and trying to solve an emotional by doing a thing even if that means trying to let go.
11:00 min
Christie started ramping up the habit of drinking a glass of wine, which she refers to as her BFF.
She thought her companion, the glass of wine, would help her. And she never suspected there was a problem.
She would start bargaining and justifying drinking, and realizing that it’s totally socially acceptable.
14 min
Aaron asks Christie what the tipping point was how that changed things for her.
Christie has an extensive coaching background but she found a new book that was noting that all behavior comes from a feeling.
15 min
Christie asked herself what she was feeling when she went to go have a glass of wine
The gateway into having a better life was quitting alcohol. Anything you do is because of what you feel, and what you feel is from a thought. Christie didn’t think it could be that simple and so she tried it.
17:30 min
She has a desire and a craving, but it was all centered around thinking “I deserve this”
She questions her thoughts. Is that what she wanted?
She gently let go of those thoughts.
19 min
Christie completely quite like a miraculous sobriety.
Aaron pauses Christie for a moment to ask about all of the detachment that has to happen biologically and if she considers that cold turkey.
Christie says cold turkey is out of will power, but this was different.
The beliefs around her desires just weren’t true.
21 min
She realized she had 20 years of beliefs that were convincing her to drink. Christie says, alcohol is the only drug you have to justify not using.
It became a personal challenge to question her thoughts. She started Slowing down and questioning everything.23:30
in February 2020 Christie’s mom got diagnosed with cancer and she was the only sibling that was in the same state to help her.
24:45 min
Aaron asks Christie how the alcohol was effecting your marriage.
When she looks at her husband she still sees the core of her husband. Christie said her husband responded with “What a cute little phase”.They wondered how it might change their relationship, but it didn’t.
26:45 min
We can evolve in our own ways and be ok with each other changing. Aaron says thats the most power thing to love someone through the different phases of life.
Christie was forever changed from what she learned from that time period.
28:45 min Aaron Closes
Hey thanks so much for listening if you enjoy this episode and either had an aha moment or thought having a better relationship with yourself we’d love to hear about it. Please leave us a podcast review it always helps others become aware of this podcast and my passion to help people love themselves better through self-awareness.
If you’d like to follow or connect with Christie you can do still on Instagram.com/christieheppenstallcoaching or christieheppenstallcoaching.com
Make sure to stay tune for next episode when I speak with Christie about how time management in your life is a love language of it’s own.
If you are feeling hurt and heartbroken and want to reclaim a better relationship with yourself and have more self-worth so you can feel confident in hole a person. I’d love to support you. You can connect with me on Instagram at Aarontosti [email protected]
You’ve been listening to TKOL podcast
I’m Aaron.
Best of love to you
-
Morgan continues to share her story about dating a sociopath, and what she’s learned from it all.
thekindoflove.com
Instagram.com/Aarontosti
SHOW NOTES:25 min Aaron Narrates
After talking with Morgan about the red flags of a narcissist and possible sociopath, we now talk about understanding this specific trauma and finding awareness and healing on the other side.
We try to see the other side of the trauma. Morgan talks about not needing someone to complete her in her life. Rather just two good people coming together.
We can’t blame ourself for what we don’t know. We can only do better once we know better.
A sociopath doesn’t actually care about you. They’ll just move on to the next person. So what do you do? How do you see this as a gift? How do you learn from such a dysfunctional relationship?
It’s shocking when someone has been lying to you. So how do you take off the blinders.
How do you trust your intuition again now that you’re re-learning to see what’s a lie and whats the truth?
When something dramatic or traumatic happens, you have to understand what its about for you. You have to see what the other person created and what you created. Understand their pain doesn’t have to be your suffering. When you start acknowledging that this was a pattern of someone else, and that it wasn’t about you. You stop blaming yourself. And when you stop blaming yourself, that’s the first step into loving and healing yourself.
If you can see this unfortunate experience as a gift, such as going through this level of trauma, it can motivate you for your next relationship. You will want to be even more aware for that next person, and attract someone who is as healthy as you are.
4:10 min
Morgan had to figure out morning the loss of someone who isn’t even real. She was romantically over him immediately.
Morgan says the self work of it was understanding why it happened. What about myself, attracted a person like that.
Morgan says they target honesty.
7:30 min
Morgan talks about her child wound of not having a father around. She says it was like her subconscious was looking for what looked like security.
Morgan realizes no one can complete you. She says you don’t need someone to make yourself complete in your life.
10:30 min
Morgan blamed herself for not seeing or not knowing. You can only be responsible for what I did know. I can’t beat myself up for what I didn’t know.
12 min
Not shaming yourself for what you haven’t learned yet. You would be shaming your intuition.
Different phases you go through.
It’s a very specific trauma. First phase being denial.
Morgan was distracted at first by her Ex moving on. A sociopath will move on to a new person.
You have to look at yourself and see it as a super dysfunctional gift.
16 min
Why does Morgan’s friend want to be hold onto a dysfunctional ex ?
When you move in with somebody, you’re giving up part of your life to be with someone.
17:40 min
It’s a rude awakening to know that someone’s lied to you in a relationship.
You get comfortable and use to the love trauma.
Some people make it a full body break up experience. Morgan feels all of the things. Aaron Things all of the things.
20 min
Aaron asks Morgan, “what is the love that you do want now that you’ve been through such a traumatic relationship.”
Morgan listens to her intuition. Now she knows the red flags. “There’s something that I’m not trusting with you”
You need to be on the same page and have the same values.
22 min
Morgan just not dating right now. She took a break. Morgan feels like she is as healed as she can be.
Lying is a deal breaking, non negotiable for Morgan
23 min
Little “t” triggers and big “T” Triggers, or small red flags and big red flags.
“When you’re wearing rose colored glasses, they all just look like flags.”- Morgan
It’s a lot of upfront conversation to be honest from the beginning.
25:30 min
What looks safe for Morgan dating again? When does she share her story with her new partner ?
If someone doesn’t know your wounds of the past, they might still be a trustworthy person who is pushing your triggers and not knowing it.
“I would like to think that the next relationship that person will be able to hold space for me.” - Morgan
27:20 min
After all of this dysfunctional talk, Aaron said he’s looking for some kind of silverzlining and true love in Morgan’s story.
If you’ve been digesting lies for a long time. At some point you have to let yourself purge all of that crap.
Shame want’s to hide it, so instead bring it out into the light.
Morgan put out there as public knowledge and had women respond with “He did that to me too”
You tend to blame yourself, but when you look at it and see that it’s a pattern you don’t blame yourself.
It puts light on all the times someones makes YOU feel like you’re “crazy” and then you realize they’re the crazy maker.
30:40 min
Morgan’s at a place where she’s really happy with herself. But she does want to be with someone who is equal to the healthy relationship she wants to be in.
Morgans ok if she doesn’t find it.
32 min
It turns to a dating in your 30s conversation. Morgan says she wants to cut herself some slack.
Nothing ever happens on the timeline you think it does. If it happen’s cool if it doesn’t cool. I’ll be ok.
Morgan says, “My current relationship is very successful” referring to being single.
33:40 min
Aaron thanks Morgan for spreading the awareness of the conversation.
Morgan’s advises to reach out others and bring crappy things to light and trust your intuition.
Find people that will help and talk with you through it.
Morgan didn’t realize she was in an abusive relationship until someone else helped her see that.
36:20 min
Love is no strings attached and with someone like a sociopath all the strings are attached and you become a puppet.
38 min
Healing relationships is all about having an awareness.
Become aware of behavior patterns, trust your intuition and when something doesn’t go the way you expect, see it as a gift. When you appreciate it as a gift, you see it as a learning experience, and you gain the power of awareness. You can only change and heal from what you are aware of. Many people would want to stuff, his, run from, avoid an experience like this, but they don’t give themselves a chance to heal.
Thanks for listening TKOL Podcast
I’m Aaron.
Best of Love to You
-
Morgan returns from the first season to share her story with Aaron about all of the red flags she became aware of after dating a sociopath.
thekindoflove.com
Instagram.com/Aarontosti
:23 Aaron Talks
This is a two part episode on a heavier topic around narcissism and sociopathic tendencies.
In my field of work I don’t like to throw around the word narcissism or sociopath very often. I view narcissism like a scale or a spectrum.
I suggest people really get clear on the differences. Narcissists are very hurt wounded people on the inside who feel they need have the world revolve around them and they need to make others small in order to do that.
Generally speaking psychopaths are born and sociopaths are made. Sociopaths are all narcissists but not all narcissists are sociopaths.
So you know… I am not a psychologist, I’m a coach and my passion is being a student of life, love and relationships.
This episode is intended to bring awareness to those that might be trapped in a harmful relationship with someone who may be sociopathic or an extreme narcissist.
My friend Morgan, who I dated in high school and was in an episode of the first season, has returned to tell us about her experience dating a Sociopath & a narcissist. Not a light conversation.
Have you found yourself ignoring red flags. Have you had the blinders on and make excuses for your partners harmful behaviors?
You might be in a relationship with an unhealthy destructive person and need to seek professional help.
When someone has extreme manipulative behaviors, they are hiding something and don’t want you to find out. If you expose the truth, they’ll make you feel bad for it by misdirecting guilt. Thats a form of gaslighting.
When you make excuses for your partner that don’t add up, you start becoming part of their disillusioned story and fantasy.
This is why exposing the truth with other safe people is so important.
Hiding it will only make it worse.
The only way out of a harmful relationship like this is to start telling yourself the truth and trusting your intuition.
This first part is about understanding the red flags, because they don’t always appear that way at first.
Morgan has been so bold and vulnerable to be able to share her story so that others may be able to step out of harms way.
Before the conversation gets started, if you’ve been listening to this podcast and something stands out to you or you’ve had an aha moment or maybe rethought love in someway. Please go ahead and leave a review and share your experience. It helps others learn from their experiences as well.
3:20 min
Morgan starts out telling a story about being told to smile by a drunk gay guy at a bar, and how she called him out.
Misogyny doesn’t always come from strait men.
Morgan didn’t feel unsafe, but she speaks about how the Me Too moment has allowed her to speak up.
5:15 min
Aaron turns the conversation over to talking about dating a sociopath, the story of Morgan’s experience.
Some people experience it more often than you think but a lot of women experience some form of abuse and it’s not until they’re told that a light comes on and it makes sense.
6:40 min
Morgan mentions the classic move and red flags are love bombing super hard. Saying things like You’re everything they’re looking for. Like they are studying you.
Everything moved quickly and for Morgan it was the first time she had let a boyfriend move in with her so quickly.
The person on the receiving end is overlooking the red flags.
9:30 min
Red flags are just something to be aware of and question intention. Be aware and ask why someone is so ready to move in so quickly for instance.
Aaron talks about being aware of putting all of yourself in to the relationship, but it was different for Morgan. The relationship seemed to be everything that she wanted at first.
She had been waiting for so long for something. They we into all of the same things.
12 min
The relationship seemed really in sync, but Morgan overlooked a lot of things.
Morgan said, “He was a piece of work.”
Morgan made a lot excuses when he was making a slight of hand.
Another major red flag for Morgan was her ex describing every ex girlfriend as “crazy”. “All my ex’s are crazy.”
If all of your ex’s are crazy, that means you’re the common denominator.
Morgan asks, what does that word “crazy” even mean? It can be an easy out, especially for a compulsive liar.
15:30 min
Aaron asks about what the tale tale signs were and when it all started clicking for Morgan.
Morgan didn’t see any signs for a year. Morgan started seeing that he wasn’t being honest. She just had a gut feeling. She felt anxiety in her chest.
17 min
Morgan shares a story about how her ex made excuses when they were going to a concert.
Little lies building up to bigger ones.
Morgan shares a big lie about her ex and his passport.
19:40 min
Aaron asked if there was ever any confrontation, and Morgan said that the main thing was that he was cheating on her the entire time.
Morgan finally caught him in a lie but then he blamed it back on Morgan.
Morgan thought she was going crazy. He was so good at creating a lie.
She talks about how you would have to spend a lot of close time lithesome to even know its going on.
22 min
Morgan talked to his ex girlfriends and they all told her the same story. The same story she had gone through.
Morgan started writing a blog. The best way to not be holding on to a lie is to share the truth.
23:15 min
Aaron asks where Morgan saw signs of narcissism as apposed to sociopathic behavior.
Morgan doesn’t have a degree but she’s done so much research and a lot of therapy around this.
In his mind it’s grandiose, but the dichotomy is that he hates himself so he has to fill the hole or lack from everybody around him.
26 min
Narcissist need others to fill the lack in them. The co-dependent becomes like a drug. They need someone to affirm their addiction to not address their pain.
Morgan shares a wild story about her ex coming home with a machine gun and had no explanation for it.
28:20 min
Morgan also shares a story about her ex lying about how he doesn’t have a PayPal account. He was great and spinning stories.
Morgan said he had major finance and responsibility red flags like still paying for his ex’s or jumping to another account drastically.
Sociopaths are so good at lying they can pass a polygraph.
30:30 min
Aaron asks what wasthe catalyst for getting out of the relationship..
Morgan was planning to meet him out of down, but her ex didn’t pick her up for 20 hours. She stayed in the city by herself.
Morgan tells the really big story about how they ended up breaking up to her friend.
Her friend knew the truth and just assumed Morgan and her ex were in an open relationship which wasn’t the case.
It ended back with an argument with him saying “your crazy”. Morgan kicked him outing changed the locks
35:50 min
Aaron says “ I don’t think ending on good terms is the end of a story for being with a sociopath.”
Morgan said she had to dig deep and investigate. She started reading other people’s stories with the same patterns.
Aaron asks about the aftermath of the relationship….
37:20 min Aaron Closes
Thanks so much for listening to TKOL podcast. Make sure to check in next week for part two of my conversation with Morgan around The aftermath of recovering from this type of harmful relationship.
If you or you know someone who is struggling in a harmful relationship patterns and is trying to recover from her and heartbreak and wants to clean their self-worth and wants to feel like a whole person again. Please reach out to me or another professional.
You can connect with me about my heart centered life and relationship coaching at thekindoflove.com or on Instagram.com/AaronTosti.
This is TKOL podcast.
I’m Aaron.
Best of love to you.
-
Aaron talks with his friend Eric DeLong, a Life Coach & Songwriter about how his practice of slowing down has impacted his life.
instagram.com/ericdelongmusic
thekindoflove.com
Instagram.com/Aarontosti
SHOW NOTES
:25 Aaron Talks
Do you feel so rushed, hurried, stress, anxious that you rarely find yourself enjoying much of anything..
One of my favorite ideas came from a book called “The One Thing” and it mentions how multi-tasking was a term invented for computers, not for humans….
Our culture and really our ego want to believe that we’re expected to be all places at all times for fear we might not be enough or might be missing out on something else.
But that’s not how we’re instead to function. We’re intended to function in the present moment.
This week I invited my friend and fellow Coach Eric DeLong about how you can create our own anxiety by being somewhere else other than where you are at right now.
Often we’re either ahead of ourselves worrying about the outcome or lingering in the past struggling to let go.
This is like adding more stress to stress and suck the enjoyment out of whats happening right in front of you, even if it’s what you said you wanted.
Eric shares his practice of slowing down, getting into your 5 senses, even if it’s just as simple as enjoy a cup of coffee you made.
And real quick before we launch into the interview, if you found yourself rethinking love or coming to a new awareness about love and relationships.. I’d love to hear about it. Please leave this podcast a review and share.. when you share your growth it not only helps you, but helps others.
3:30 min
Aaron introduces Eric.
Eric has a lot to his story… he’s been a pastor, been through divorce, been a musician, and had a lot of transformation since then.
4:30 min
Aaron asks Eric about the art of slowing down.
Eric explains that slowing down is about the present awareness. It’s helped him amongst the chaos of life and also helped him appreciate the beaut in life.
Eric stumbled upon this idea when he got divorce and it started with meditation.
6:20 min
Eric said he was so stressed that he started smell. Our senses are a sensual connection to the present moment.
7:50 min
Eric shares what that practice looks like in his daily life. The power of your sense brings you into the present moment.
A simple example is slowing down to enjoy food and coffee.
How often have you driven somewhere but forgot how you got there?
10 min
Eric takes this practice into other aspects in his life like taking walks and feeling into his body and listening to the sounds around him.
It’s about being where you are. It’s simple and brings out a lot of gratitude.
12 min
There’s a lot of components of slowing down, like allowing yourself a margin that suits you.
Eric talks about leaving margin of times to put you in a mind frame of responding, calm, and not reacting.
14:20 min
Aaron asks Eric a question, Eric has to think, but then Aaron reminds him that he’s free to slow down.
Aaron talks about how he was coached to come almost to a completely stop, a pause to get him out of a reactionary place and more into a responsive state.
15:20 min
Our response naturally is to be urgent, but Eric sometimes closes his eyes and asks himself how he is doing.
Sometimes you’ll be surprised at how you’re doing.
People appreciate a thoughtful response.
17 min
Aaron Talks about showing up and allowing yourself to be authentic in the present moment.
Sometimes its a reflection for others to take time to listen to themselves.
19 min
When you slow down you have more enjoyment for the moment.
There’s infinite moments in the world yet we’re appreciating this moment.
Eric talks about why it’s important like being on a date and enjoying the meal, and not getting caught up with the deadline like a movie.
When you’re not present you’re robbing yourself of the experience.
21:30 min
Maybe your just meant to enjoy and revel in the meal. If you’re rushed and hurried you’re not going to enjoy the moments for its fullest potential.
Aaron uses Eric’s remarks as an analogy for relationships and how we get ahead of ourselves in relationships instead of enjoy where you’re at.
23:40 min
Aaron asks Eric if this has effected his creative writing process in music. Eric enjoyed the process.
Eric says so often we try to get to the outcome, but Eckhart Tolle talks about being in the process.
25:30 min
Eric talks about not getting ahead of himself in the writing process and not going back to old writing patterns.
Eric has a song about feeling younger as you get older.
27 min
Eric said he wouldn’t have made his most favorite song, if he hadn’t slowed down.
Eric asks himself, “Whats coming up for me right now?”
Eric is about to put out some new music.
You can follow Eric on instagram.com/ericdelongmusic
28 min
Eric’s last thoughts are to slow down and connect with your senses. Instead of doing things to get where you’re going, do things to enjoy where you are.
Aaron says it can lower so much stress and anxiety.
Now we’re going to step into the goodness of Thai Food.
29:20 Closing
Thanks for listening.
Eric helps recovering nice people speak their needs, own their wants and live their truth. If you’d like to connect with Eric for coaching, or be the first to hear his new music.. follow him on instagram.com/ericdelongmusic
If you are feeling hurt, heartbroken and would like to claim your self-worth, stop harmful relationship patterns, Love yourself, and find confidence and independence.. I’d love to support you.. you can connect with me thekindoflove.com or
instagram.com/aarontosti
You’ve been listening to TKOL Podcast
I’m Aaron
Best of love to you.
-
In this episode Aaron talks with his cousin Tracy-Rose, a trauma and therapy informed mentor, about understanding the difference between neediness, needs, wants and how powerful fear can be.
Instagram.com/salveofthecircle
thekindoflove.com
Instagram.com/Aarontosti
SHOW NOTES:25 min
Bringing self-awareness around your desires and how you use your attention in your relationship.
When we were young the love that we got was equal to the attention we got from our parents or caretakers. When we get into relationships we place our attention where we want love, have desires, and how we tend to our needs.
Many times we can get attached or even become addicted to what doesn’t serve us well. Think of how you spend your attention on your phone, where you spend your attention in your relationship, and how you spend it on yourself.?
If we aren't honest with ourselves about what we want and crave, we'll find ourselves placing our attention else where, self-meditating and coping.
What if you were honest with yourself about what you crave, what your fears really are, and how you want to feel in your relationship? Do you think your experience would change?In part 3 of my conversation with Tracy-Rose, we talk about decreeing between our wants and needs. We talk on the difference between knowing our needs and neediness, how powerful fear can control our relationships, and that fear will keep us trapped in harmful relationships with ourselves.
2:04 min
Tracy motions how important it is to discern between your needs and wants. A lot of us live from a place of “I want” and it can get diluted to “I need”.
A lot of us continue the same behaviors and reactions expecting different response, which is insanity
3:00 min
Aaron talk about the difference between needs and neediness. Neediness feel desperate.
Tracy-Rose says neediness is a want. Needs are typically simple.
Getting in touch with your ego and form a relationship. Tracy-Rose doesn’t think kill your ego is good, but rather having a healthy ego. But it can be confusing if you don’t know what you need.
5:30 min
People can get addicted to the need from others like getting likes on Instagram and getting attention to feel like a whole person.
Tracy did a Technology detox that was 72 hours and learned that most people are doing something else with technology. Like driving in the car without having the music playing.
Aaron mentions mindfulness. Tracy mentions consumption and the proportion of intake vs outtake.
7:20 min
Over technology can actually keep you from dating. Like two women discussing how they want to date more, getting asked out, but being scared to actually say yes.
Dating, when done safely is just an exchange of energy. Women have different ideas around safety but Dating doesn’t have to be as vulnerable as you think it is.
Aaron’s favorite piece from the book, “If the Buddha dated” is crawling into love, rather than falling into love. And how you are created a bond and be mindful in the present moment with that person rather getting ahead of yourself.
9:10 min
Tracy-Rose talks about having mutual friends when she met her partner. She found safety in reference checking with friends.
Tracy had those stressful Intrusive thoughts around dating her partner and then slowed down had better conversation with herself. She was able then to observe how she was showing up.
11 min
Let the date be what it is and don’t get far ahead of yourself. Like being at the coffee shop and seeing someone you like, not interpreting them as your baby mama, but maybe let it be the women that get a smile from.
Then there’s not so much fear around the vulnerability.
11:50 min
Aaron says he loves curiosity as a response to anxious thoughts that are what if worst case scenarios. But instead, what if something awesome happens?
Then your needs shift from a future thought to the present moment.
12:50 min
Tracy-Rose talks about a show she was watching based around fear. Fear is powerful and can be a destructive energy. Fear often dehumanizes.
13:50 min
Most often fear creates BS illusions. Its about listening to fear so it doesn’t take control of you.
Fear wants to grip ahold of you, and then we become self-fulfilling prophecies.
Fear can render you unable to move and therefore feeling stuck in the patterns and cycle. It’s like being stuck spinning in place or analysis paralysis.
It’s like putting the gas and the brakes on at the same time. We all need to take a breath.16 min
Tracy-Rose wraps up by thanking each other for being here and thanking the listeners. Hopefully something inspired you in this episode.
16:50 Closing
Thanks for doing us in this conversation. If there was something inspiring or you rethought something we’d love to hear about it in the reviews. Reviews help spread more awareness about the podcast.
If you if want to connect with Tracy-Rose on instagram.com/salveofthecircle
If you are struggling in harmful relationship patterns and want to claim your self worth, you can connect with me thekindoflove.com
Instagram.com/aarontosti
You’ve been listening to TKOL Podcast.
I’m Aaron
Best of love to you.
-
In this episode, Aaron talks more with his cousin Tracy-Rose, a trauma and therapy informed mentor, about Dating, Attraction, and having a Secure Attachment Style post 2020.
Instagram.com/salveofthecircle
thekindoflove.com
Instagram.com/Aarontosti
SHOW NOTES
:25 min Aaron Talks
Do you have an awareness around your attachment style and what you attract and are attracted to? Do you have an awareness around what you are creating with your thoughts?
After 2020 that has been an adjustment for some of us.
Sometimes it’s easy to slip into not being aware of the interactions and outcomes of daily social dynamics. Wondering why you have the same experiences over and over again and wonder why nothing changes.
Many times we don't allow ourselves to change our response, or step into something different because its uncomfortable and unfamiliar. Even though we say we want something different or new, it seems to be foreign. We don’t have a different experience, so we go into old patterns and responses.
What if you took a chance on changing your approach and doing something different?
In this Part 2 with Tracy-Rose my trauma and therapy informed cousin.. we talk about the different aspects of your own self-awareness, your patterns, habits, self-worth, neediness, assumptions, boundaries, and what it looks like to have a secure attachment style especially post 2020..
2:25 min
Tracy talks about how it’s weird to go out now, and Aaron mentions it’s terrible for dating. Masks don’t help flirting.
We’re all adjusting to post 2022 social environments.
4:25 min
Aaron talks about dating and his attachment styles. He took the Attached test which really helped him understand and reframe his interactions in dating and clients.
5:50 min
Aaron talks about moving out of Anxiety by making it about the other person rather yourself and by seeing whats great about them.
A good way to view the Secure attachment style is like being a lighthouse, not a tug boat. A great relationship would be like going on a road trip and not needing to chase or avoid each other, but simply be together.
7 min
Secure attachment is steady, confident, like the light house spreading the light, but not trying to drag anyone your way.
8:30 min
A relationship is a Co-creation. Theres an energy that changes when you come together.
When we show up with someone, all of us shows up.
9:50 min
Tracy-Rose talks about showing up as your healed disciplined self. Seeing yourself as whole.
There’s a difference in energy that shows up when you are attracted to someone as apposed to meeting just anyone.
12 min
Tracy-Rose talks about the Social prompts and cues when you’re attracted to someone new. You’re still the same person but your energy shifts and changes.
You’re like a peacock who shows their feathers. We are shape shifting and adapting to our environment.
14 min
In the metaphor of the lighthouse, we might say “Thats a good looking boat” but as a lighthouse attracting someone, we stay grounded remaining to be ourselves in the process.
15 min
Aaron has heard it said that we’ve lost the art of dating. It’s about being mindful in the moment and being aware of your whole self showing up, your patterns, your habits, and your self worth.
16 min
Tracy-Rose shares an interaction she had. Understanding where the other person’s energy is and meeting them with hers.
Aaron talks about the 3 energies of give, take, and receive.
When the two energies between two people come together and theirs attraction, sometimes you can start creating desires that you didn’t have before or that are from your past. It came up as you are talking with this person.
18 min
Aaron talks about asking for consent and asking yourself, whats the story going on for you.
It is desperate neediness energy trying to GET something from someone.It’s not manipulative.
It’s about not making assumptions and asking questions.
19:45 min
Tracy-Rose talks about the male to female interaction. Some women just give away their number not knowing that they really wanted to.
It’s about being aware, slowing down, having pause, and creating a safe space.
The women has to feel like she’s allowed her authentic self to be there.
21 min
It’s a risk, but it allows the women to say yes or no without rejection, abandonment, or retaliation.
Aaron shares his story of being challenged to ask out enough women to get rejected 5 times. He noticed if he used the word date, it was a lot of pressure for women.
22:30 min
It’s about slowing down, pausing, and even asking yourself for permission if this is something you want. And then being intentional from there.
23 min Closing
Thanks for listening to TKOL Podcast. Hopefully you had some takeaways from this episode.
If you did have something come up for you around relationships or self-awareness.. I’d love to hear about it. Please give the podcast a review.
You can connect with Tracy-Rose on Instagram.com/salveofthecircle
Stay tuned for the next episode when Tracy and I talk more about neediness, cravings, and how we can even come addicted to the attention on social media and in our relationships that give us a false sense of identity instead of feeling like a whole person.If you’re struggling in harmful relationship patterns, and you’d ike to free yourself by claiming your self-worth. You can find me here…
thekindoflove.com
Instagram.com/Aarontosti
You’ve been listening to TKOL Podcast
I’m Aaron.
Best of Love to You.
-
In this episode Aaron talks with his cousin Tracy-Rose, a trauma and therapy informed mentor, about compulsive thinking, thought patterns, and how to be the observer of your thoughts.
instagram.com/tracyroselisauskastherapy/
Instagram.com/salveofthecircle
instagram.com/Aarontosti
If you want great music for your podcast and social content, you can get 10% OFF unlimited licensable music at Soundstripe Music. go to thekindoflove.com/promo
Show Notes
:25 min
Aaron Talks
Sometimes it takes tragedy strikes until we decide to understand whats happening under the surface and our relationship with ourself. Why do we need to have more self-awareness around our self talk, thought partners, and it’s effecting our self-worth.
When we break through the awareness of how our thoughts are effecting are lives then we can change. It changes our compulsive thinking, addictions, attachments to unhealthy things and can even shift our self worth when we recognize the harmful conversations we are having with ourselves.
I brought my therapy and trauma-informed cousin Tracy-Rose to talk about some these deeper truths and self-awareness topics. This first Part we talk about mindfulness, addiction, compulsive thinking, not taking things personally, and facing second guessing and the inner critic..
It’s about changing your inner world before you change your outer world.
2 min
Aaron shares a bit of his story about having better self-talk and how he quit smoking around observing his thought patterns and self-talk.
It became a way to not react off of every thought, and take more control of yourself.
4:30 min
Tracy -Rose mentions involuntary thoughts, ADHD, and OCD being common terms we use around thought patterns. Its the mind overthinking and going, going, going. We can be taken hostage by our minds.
Tracy says addictions are us self-medicating on things you think you have control over, but really it has control over you
6:30 min
It takes slowing down and observing thoughts. Tracy thought every thought she had to believe and she had to react to them. She didn’t understand the connection at from.
Aaron talks about not only observing your thoughts, but then starting to observing your feelings. He shares a story about he had an involuntary thought that he was weird, like an inner bully.
10 min
What do you do with these involuntary thoughts. How would you talk to yourself if you were being bullied?
Tracy says our thoughts do have any impact until we put meaning to them. She hears the word “weird” and thinks that cool. Aaron heard it
Tracy explains DBT ( after the interview she correct that and she meant CBT). Its basically mindfulness. Your experiences reinforce your thoughts until you take control of them.
14 min
Tracy-Rose talks about having reactions and not taking things personally.
Usually our involuntary thoughts come from something in our environment, even on an unconscious level.
16 min
Coffee shops are social anxiety inducing, everyone’s checking in and seeing whats going on while getting hopped up on coffee. Aaron says it’s like a daytime sober bar.
Second guess or self judging is normal.
Reevaluating social cues and interaction since 2020 because we’ve been hibernating and told to stay home and be anti-social.
17:45 min
Closing
Thanks for Listening to TKOL Podcast. Please leave a review and let us know if you had an “ah-ha” moments.
Stay tuned for the next episode Tracy and Aaron Talk about Dating, Attraction and Attachment styles after 2020.
You can connect with Tracy-Rose here instagram.com/salveofthecircle
If you’re struggling in harmful relationship patterns and want to claim your self-worth. You can connect with me here thekindoflove.com
You’ve been listening to TKOL Podcast.
I’m Aaron.
Best of Love to you.
-
In this episode, Aaron talks with photographer and love coach Joe “Photo” Paulicivic about seeing through a different lens for the homeless and the release of his new photo book The Dirty Kids.
If you want great music for your podcast and social content, you can get 10% OFF unlimited licensable music at Soundstripe Music. go to thekindoflove.com/promo
joephoto.com
thekindoflove.com
Show Notes:23 min
Aaron Talks:
Consider the good in humanity. Thats what this episode is all about.
I ask you what does love look like to you? What does love look like when you approach someone else’s situation and what it would be like to be in their shoes?
What would love look like if you were living on the street?
My Guest today Joe Paulicivic a photographer and love coach, has recently released a book of photographs to show us through his lens another look at homelessness. It’s a group, a community of homeless who call themselves the Dirty Kids.
Joe spent several years making friends and collecting photos to share with you a different perspective.
We are conditioned in our culture to assume a lot about our homeless.
Maybe we cast judgments about their lifestyle.
Maybe we think they are lazy.
Maybe we see them as victims of society.
But is that absolutely true?
The Dirty Kids actually choose and accept being on the street as a lifestyle. They have formed a community mindset around sharing and being accepting of that fact that what ever they need will come to them, instead of living in fear of security.
The rawness and realness of our conversation may even be shocking, but I would encourage you to consider this word on the street from Joe from a different lens, a compassionate one…
Here's a short excerpt from the forward by Father Richard Roar and what he had to say about Joe’s book of photographs.
"It shows that clothing and table placement...
2:20 min
Joe first met the dirty kids in New Orleans 2010 and one of them wanted him to take a shocking photo.
4:30 min
March of 2014 Joe was wearing a Free Hug t-shirt and gave out free hugs to dirty kids
The dirty kids pride themselves on how dirty they can be, hopping trains
6:40 min
A strong connection happened at Mardi Gras when Joe started hugging the Dirty Kids.
Joe’s daughter was also on the brink of being on the street. She is what the Dirty kids would called a home bomb.
Dirty kids travel really light.
9 min
Every where he goes Joe hugs people, the dirty kids were no different to him.
Reggie one of the DK was one of the first kid Joe felt an open door to spend more time and connect.
They developed more relationships by Joe photographing over 100 photographs of the Dirty Kids.
12:10 min
Not many kids don’t make it to their 40s. Its a conscious choice for them to be on the streets. Many are orphans and they don’t want to be told what to do, so they made their own culture.
Many of them are strong adventurous personalities on the street. They are artists and or free spirits.
They share everything with each other. They believe whatever they need will come to them.
15:20
Many of are not as engaged with our community. So they’ve learned to share more.
The general public often sees homelessness as a problem, but Joe sees them as not a problem.
They are perceived as dangerous.
18 min
Joe’s been a friend to them. He’s not trying to convert them into anything different, but an opportunity to exercise compassion.
Joe would love the book to bring awareness and compassion for the homeless.
It’s a deep paradigm to consider people that are different than us as not a problem. People tend to move in circles that are similar.
21 min
Joe is hopeful that this will be an opportunity for more discovery of our common humanity.
Joe is in a different place than 8 years ago when this started. He sees these kids who are typically scapegoats as opportunity to look at his own struggles and forgiveness.
These kids as a metaphor of living in the shadows, helps us recognize the shadows we live in.
The security we look to can easily get shut down by things like COVID. Most of us are terrified about being on the streets.
24:50 min
Joe compares the homeless to the leopards of Jesus’s day. Many of them have experienced loss and suffering.
Through Joe’s lens, like his daughter, he sees so much shame that the Dirty Kids live in. But says they are not looking for pity, but human connection.
27 min
Joe talks about eye contact being a great way to approach the homeless.
In our society we’re not taught to make much eye contact or hug each other for prolong periods of time, which can see them just like everyone else.
It can help those feeling like victims, have more hope when you make eye contact and be more present with them. And then it can open real conversations.
30 min
Relationships begin with acknowledgment and then curiosity.
The Dirty Kids will surprise you with their grace and perspective.
31:45 min
The book came out Dec 2021 and you get get a copy at joephoto.com
Joe’s hope is that the book would open eyes and hearts to consider a different experience with the homeless.
Not everyone is called to the level of trust and courage to approach the homeless. They can be unpredictable.
Joe hopes that others will see the common humanity between the homeless.
As Joe began to tear up, he talks about the book ultimately being a healing experience for himself and his judgments.
The Dirty kids has helped him go into his shadows and seeing himself as equal.
The book has been liberating for Joe, and a way to be a friend to the Dirty Kids.
35:30 min
Thanks so much for listening.
Joephoto.com
If you’re looking to empower yourself out of harmful relationship patterns and claim your self-worth you can connect with Aaron here…
Instagram.com/aarontosti
Thekindoflove.com
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I’m Aaron
Best of Love to You
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