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As Iâve been reflecting on the past year, themes of relational trauma, betrayal trauma, and shame have come up again and again in our culture at large and in the work I do with leaders.
Relational and betrayal traumas disrupt our ability to trustâourselves, others, and even the world around us. These wounds often linger in ways we donât fully see. They impact how we navigate relationships, handle conflict, and lead ourselves and others.
And far, far too often, these unaddressed, unhealed traumas beget shame. Shame is one of the most destructive forces in leadership and relationships.
When leaders operate out of shame, itâs volatile and dangerous. It hurts both those who wield it and those who experience it. Healing shame requires sharing our pain with those who have earned the right to hear our storiesâthose who can hold space for us with compassion, accountability, and empathy.
Empathy is the antidote to shame, and itâs also what transforms leadership. Leaders who can navigate challenges with compassion, even under immense pressure, create trust, relational resilience, and growth environments.
In todayâs replay of my conversation with Dr. Frank Anderson, he reminds us that healing isnât just personalâitâs deeply relational. He also offers the provocative idea that we all have the capacity to be healers and the capacity to harm.
When we commit to healing, we reclaim our ability to lead with clarity, compassion, and courage.Frank Anderson, MD, completed his residency and was a clinical instructor in psychiatry at Harvard Medical School. He is an author, psychiatrist, therapist, speaker, and trauma specialist whoâs spent the past three decades studying neuroscience and trauma treatment. He is passionate about teaching brain-based psychotherapy and integrating current neuroscience knowledge with the IFS therapy model. His published work spans contributions to literature and training for a clinical audience and works accessible to the general public.
Content Warning: We cover some heavy topics around verbal and physical abuse, conversion therapy, and suicidal ideation. Please take care as you listen to this conversation.
Listen to the full episode to hear:
Why it was so important for Frank to tell his story from a place of healing and love, even for the people who hurt him the mostHow releasing fear, anger, and shame makes space for forgiveness, healing, and loveWhy forgiveness and relational healing can only come after processing and releasing the trauma of what happened within yourselfWhy Frank says that healing is possible, but weâre never done healingHow holding onto divisive binary thinking harms all of us and keeps our culture from healingHow holding space with love and empathy can help people acknowledge what happened and accept accountabilityHow unprocessed trauma causes us to repeat toxic patterns in our livesLearn more about Frank Anderson, MD:
WebsiteInstagram: @frank_andersonmdFacebook: @mdfrankandersonConnect on LinkedInTo Be Loved: A Story of Truth, Trauma, and TransformationTranscending Trauma: Healing Complex Ptsd with Internal Family SystemsLearn more about Rebecca:
rebeccaching.comWork With RebeccaSign up for the weekly Unburdened Leader EmailResources:
EP 117: Rethinking Resilience: Moving from Bouncing Back to Relational Resilience with Soraya ChemalyOpen Monogamy: A Guide to Co-Creating Your Ideal Relationship Agreement, Tammy NelsonConan Gray - HeatherP!NK - TRUSTFALLFellow Travelers -
When was the last time you felt truly moved by something you saw or heard?
It could be a piece of art or music, a line from a book or poem, being with someone you love, or even a perfect bite of food, but those moments that stop us in our tracks are more than fleeting pleasures.
These âglimmersâ create space for our bodies to exhale so that we can experience wonder, awe, and joy.
Learning to recognize and lean into these moments isnât just about respite from the hard things; they help us navigate challenging times by reminding us that humans need connection, creativity, and hope.
Todayâs guest is a multi-disciplinary artist whose work invites us into a world of creativity and intention. It is a testament to the necessity of nurturing creativity and wonder, and whatâs possible when we follow their pull as allies in our journey to love and lead with boldness and integrity.
Amanda Jones is an artist, poet, and filmmaker living and working in the northern beaches of Sydney Australia. Amanda studied âContemporary dance and choreographyâ at the School of Creative Arts and âStyling and creative directionâ at Whitehouse Fashion Institute. She founded her film production company One Minute Film in 2015 working with clients such as The Iconic, Nimble Activewear, and Barre Body. In 2021 Amanda published her first book Diary of a Freelancer, its success shifted her work into her full-time art practice.
Listen to the full episode to hear:
How early experiences at the intersection of creativity and commerce shaped Amandaâs career trajectoryHow Amanda realized that some pieces of her journals were meant to be sharedWhy her journaling practice is vital to both her personal life and her work lifeHow Amanda approached self-publishing her book to make it a piece of art and embrace its mistakesHow balancing play and discipline as she takes on a new medium helps Amanda combat imposter syndromeHow Amanda protects her creativity and imagination despite our challenging worldLearn more about Amanda Jones:
WebsiteInstagram: @amanda______jonesDiary of a FreelancerLearn more about Rebecca:
rebeccaching.comWork With RebeccaSign up for the weekly Unburdened Leader EmailResources:
Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead, Brené BrownThe Artist's Way, Julia CameronThe Name of the Wind, Patrick RothfussBleachers - Tiny MovesDrops of GodSeinfeld -
Fehlende Folgen?
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Have you ever looked around and felt that the way you live and work isnât sustainable?
Itâs hard to find anyone who hasnât felt the weight of this relentless pace and the intense pressure to keep up as if this is just how modern life has to be.
But what if it doesnât have to be this way?
Our culture in the U.S. is burdened by pressures to keep up, excel, and do it all, often without the support systems to help us carry that load.
What if we paused to question the assumptions driving us to stay so busy and overextended?
Todayâs guest invites us to imagine stepping off the hamster wheel and envisioning what it would look like to challenge the norms weâve been handed about work and life.
We canât all pack up and move, but we can make small but powerful steps towards a more sustainable way of living, working, and leading.
Kirsten Powers is a New York Times bestselling author and writes the bestselling Substack publication Changing the Channel. Jon Meacham called her most recent book, Saving Grace: Speak Your Truth, Stay Centered and Learn to Coexist with People Who Drive You Nuts, "a great gift at an urgent hour.â
Kirsten served as an on-air CNN senior political analyst for seven years. She has been a columnist for USA Today, the Daily Beast and the New York Post, and a political analyst at Fox News. Before her career in journalism, Kirsten was a political appointee in the Clinton Administration, worked in New York Democratic politics and was Vice President for International Communications at AOL, Inc.
Listen to the full episode to hear:
Kirstenâs awakening to the fact that American culture is ânot normalâHow neoliberalism reshaped our relationship with work, class, and consumerismA reality check on what it takes to make radical changes in your life, at home or abroadHow unpacking paradigms about work and being busy has led Kirsten to question so many other norms in American lifeThe intense and long-term physical toll of our cultureâs obsession with overworkWhat gives Kirsten hope that America can do and be better in the futureLearn more about Kirsten Powers:
Changing the ChannelInstagram: @kirstenpowersSaving Grace: Speak Your Truth, Stay Centered and Learn to Coexist with People Who Drive You NutsLearn more about Rebecca:
rebeccaching.comWork With RebeccaSign up for the weekly Unburdened Leader EmailResources:
The way we live in the United States is not normalThe Rise and Fall of the Neoliberal Order: America and the World in the Free Market Era, Gary GerstleNever Enough: When Achievement Culture Becomes Toxic-And What We Can Do about It, Jennifer Breheny WallaceCircle of Hope: A Reckoning with Love, Power, and Justice in an American Church, Eliza GriswoldHouse of the DragonPretty in Pink -
Humans tend to crave certainty. In the face of the unknown, we rely on prescriptions and narratives to help us feel better and make sense of what we canât yet see coming.
For many, sitting with uncertainty like what we are facing now, post-election in the United States, is deeply unsettling and even destabilizing. They brace for what might come next, anxious and ruminating, and looking for answers.
Itâs a natural human response, but it can also leave us stuck in a loop that offers no comfort, only more fear and anxiety.
People will look to the leaders around them for comfort and for answers. And while you may not be able to provide the definitive answers anyone seeks, you can help those you lead and love feel supported and grounded as we all navigate these difficult times.
Today, Iâm sharing strategies, practices, and thoughts that can help us move through uncertainty, for ourselves and the ones we love and lead.
Listen to the full episode to hear:
How and why to establish âcertainty anchorsâ for those you leadWhy an honest, compassionate presence is more beneficial than pretending you have all the answersWhy we need to balance courage and comfort, and the fine line between caring and caretakingWhy finding grounding routines is essential, no matter how small or scrappy or imperfectHow claiming your personal power and agency will help you feel less stuckHow we build trust and resilience in our relationships amidst uncertaintyLearn more about Rebecca:
rebeccaching.comWork With RebeccaFollow the Unburdened Leader on SubstackSign up for the weekly Unburdened Leader EmailResources:
Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead, Brené BrownEP 114: Why Bother? Navigating Burnout and Rediscovering Purpose with Jennifer LoudenEP 88: Right-Use-of-Power: Navigating Leadership Dynamics with Dr. Cedar BarstowDiary of a Freelancer, Amanda JonesHope, Despair, and Wellbeing Intelligence - by Jen FisherEP 117: Rethinking Resilience: Moving from Bouncing Back to Relational Resilience with Soraya ChemalyEP 113: Curiosity as a Bridge: Uncovering Fears and Building Connections with Scott Shigeoka -
When you think about resilience, what comes to mind?
Our culture loves narratives about triumphing over hardship. And overcoming pain, heartbreak, and even abuse can make us stronger.
However, uplifting âovercomingâ too often comes at the expense of actually examining and addressing the lack of care, protection, and support people had to navigate on their path to resilience. We valorize grit and perseverance at the cost of peopleâs health and wellbeing, encouraging them to just keep pushing past the point of burnout.
My guest today pulls back the curtain on these narratives of overcoming adversity and building resilience to find that so much of the adversity people face is rooted in how we fail to care for ourselves and each other in our society. Real resilience, she says, isnât about your own personal toughness; itâs about how we relate to and support each other.
Soraya Chemaly is an award-winning author and activist. She writes and speaks frequently on topics related to gender norms, inclusivity, social justice, free speech, sexualized violence, and technology. She is the author of The Resilience Myth: New Thinking on Grit, Strength, and Growth after Trauma and Rage Becomes Her: The Power of Womenâs Anger, which was recognized as a Best Book of 2018 by the Washington Post, Fast Company, Psychology Today, and NPR. She has contributed to several anthologies, most recently Free Speech in the Digital Age and Believe Me: How Trusting Women Can Change The World. Soraya is also a co-producer of a WMC #NameItChangeIt PSA highlighting the effects of online harassment on women in politics in America.
Listen to the full episode to hear:
How Soraya made the connection between our toxic ideology of resilience and how we devalue community support and careHow the idea of âbouncing backâ can actually impede change, both personal and socialHow resilience narratives flatten, decontextualize, and depoliticize trauma and recovery Why we need to shift our concept of resilience from individual to communal, cultural, and relationalHow âsoldiering onâ can perpetuate a lack of options within the systemThe false binaries we have to confront to dismantle the resilience of the status quoHow telling someone they are or need to be resilient shuts down opportunities for real care and supportLearn more about Soraya Chemaly:
WebsiteInstagram: @sorayachemalyThe Resilience Myth: New Thinking on Grit, Strength, and Growth After TraumaââRage Becomes Her: The Power of Women's AngerBelieve Me: How Trusting Women Can Change the WorldFree Speech in the Digital AgeLearn more about Rebecca:
rebeccaching.comWork With RebeccaSign up for the weekly Unburdened Leader EmailResources:
EP 72: Identifying and Addressing the Burdens of Individualism with Deran Young & Dick SchwartzEP 113: Curiosity as a Bridge: Uncovering Fears and Building Connections with Scott ShigeokaSeek: How Curiosity Can Transform Your Life and Change the WorldNicked, M. T. AndersonThe Light Eaters: How the Unseen World of Plant Intelligence Offers a New Understanding of Life on Earth, Zoë SchlangerKneecapChallengersSuccession The White Lotus -
As the United States approaches one of the most important elections, many people I know are expressing how the current state of affairs is affecting their work, home life, and overall well-being.
With the stress and the chaos, it would be easy to shut down and ask, âWhy bother?â
This is why it feels especially timely to bring back my long-time friend, Iowa state representative and state house minority leader, Jennifer Konfrst, to the podcast.
Whether it's a major election, a looming work deadline, or a personal goal, we all carry heavy responsibilities on top of what's happening in our country. I wanted to talk to Jennifer about how she finds the strength to keep going, even when the victories are hard-won or the losses are break-your-heart big.
Jennifer shares her not-so-secret recipe for staying true to her values and community, staying open and seeking support, which helps her avoid falling into despair and hopelessness.
Her perspective is a source of hope, motivation, and a call to keep fighting that many of us need right now.
Jennifer Konfrst teaches public relations & strategic political communication courses at Drake University in Des Moines, IA. Before joining the Drake journalism faculty in 2013, she worked in public relations for 20 years, most recently at Iowa Public Television.
She also serves as an Iowa House of Representatives member, representing the 43rd district since 2019. She is the House minority leader, a position she has held since 2021, and she is the first woman to hold this position in Iowa.
Listen to the full episode to hear:
What the Iowa Supreme Court ruling on abortion taught Jennifer about showing up even when youâre devastated and angryThe self-care that is essential for Jennifer in the face of setbacks and struggles at the State HouseHow Jennifer builds trust in her leadership with her caucus in her role as House Minority LeaderHow consistently highlighting and celebrating even small wins helps keep people motivatedHow her personal healing work has helped Jennifer allow for disagreement and conflict within her caucusThe challenges of trust with voters, representatives across the aisle, and within her partyThe case for getting and staying engaged in politics, especially at the local levelLearn more about Jennifer Konfrst:
WebsiteInstagram: @KonfrstForHouseTwitter: @KonfrstForHouseLearn more about Rebecca:
rebeccaching.comWork With RebeccaSign up for the weekly Unburdened Leader EmailResources:
EP 114: Why Bother? Navigating Burnout and Rediscovering Purpose with Jennifer LoudenEP 30: Committing to Being an Engaged Leader and Engaged Citizen with Iowa State Rep. Jennifer KonfrstThe Thin Book of Trust: An Essential Primer for Building Trust at Work, Charles FeltmanTaylor Swift - The ManThe Chicks - March MarchThe West WingSchittâs CreekParks and Recreation -
What prevents you from speaking up?
When you were younger, what was your experience when you spoke up? Were you heard, or were you silenced, ignored, or punished?
The echoes of earlier wounds often shape our ability to speak up. Our ability to speak up is often influenced by the burden of past experiences, whether it's in meetings, public forums, or one-on-one conversations, speaking up can feel like a significant risk when past relational traumas resurface.
Even the most confident leaders may carry fears of rejection, judgment, or failure, stemming from previous experiences of not being heard or valued. We may worry about being misunderstood or feel that our words lack significance.
Embracing your voice, even in the face of uncertainty, is a transformative act. It's a journey towards building more courage and leading in alignment with your values.
Speaking with grounded confidence isn't just about exerting authority; it's about fostering trust, connection, and respect within yourself and with those you lead.
Todayâs guest lives the principles she teaches on speaking up and showing up with more power, especially for those who hold identities outside of dominant cultural norms. Her work offers us all a powerful road map for speaking up without exiling our story.
Samara Bay is the author of the best-selling book, Permission to Speak, a revolutionary take on public speaking for the future we want. She is a Los Angeles-based speech coach whose clients range from candidates for US Congress to C-suite executives, change-making entrepreneurs, movie stars, and high school girls. She has led workshops and keynotes for groups across various industries, from significant corporations to nonprofit foundations and academic institutions, and her work has been widely featured in the media.
Listen to the full episode to hear:
How Samaraâs work with emerging political leaders caused her to realize that we need to change the narrative of how authority is âsupposedâ to soundHow she connects losing her voice in grad school to an internalized shame of sounding âdifferentâ that people of non-dominant identities carryWhy we need to shift the narrative to allow authoritative voices to be emotionally honest and vulnerableThe value of using our voices to care out loud and to tell our storiesWhy itâs normal to sound different in various settings, as long as we arenât compromising our integrityUnpacking common ânegativeâ speech patterns and how they function in our communicationBreaking down the impossible balancing acts of archetypes we expect of women in powerLearn more about Samara Bay:
WebsiteInstagram: @samarabayHow to Show UpConnect on LinkedInPermission to Speak: How to Change What Power Sounds Like, Starting with YouLearn more about Rebecca:
rebeccaching.comWork With RebeccaSign up for the weekly Unburdened Leader EmailResources:
A Court of Thorns and Roses, Sarah J. MaasTaylor Swift - marjorieBridgertonKids IncorporatedThe All New Mickey Mouse ClubMoms Demand ActionEP 90: Engaged and Consistent Leadership: with Moms Demand Action Founder, Shannon Watts -
When was the last time you said, âWhy bother?â
When overwhelm, exhaustion, burnout, and the weight of responsibility set in, it's easy to become cynical and ask, "What's the point?"
Cynicism can be a defense mechanism, shielding us from difficult emotions or experiences, but it also traps us in survival mode, limiting our ability to see new possibilities or paths forward.
Constantly being in fight-or-flight mode makes it difficult to think long-term and to rest and reset as needed.
Today, we're exploring what, "Why bother?" really indicates for leaders. It serves as a sign of exhaustion, an overactive nervous system, or even reactivated trauma. Our guest encourages us to transform "Why bother?" from a stuck and cynical question into a productive inquiry that directs us towards what truly matters.
Jennifer Louden invites us to flip the script on âWhy bother?â from cynical and stuck to a generative question to lead you toward what really matters to you.
Jennifer has been involved in the self-care movement for years. She authored the bestseller, The Womanâs Comfort Book in 1992 and has since written numerous books on well-being and creative living, including The Womanâs Retreat Book and Why Bother? She enjoys coaching writers and is currently working on a fantasy novel where older women use their power to buy humanity time from the climate crisis.
Listen to the full episode to hear:
Why the âwhy botherâ stage is a normal part of life, and how it presents an opportunity to resetHow holding too tightly to an identity can keep us from seeing possibilities for changeHow exiling and not claiming what we want leads to âwhy botherâHow taking action on the things that matter to us cultivates hopeHow accepting that some things in life are not fixable can liberate us to step into new possibilitiesHow to begin cultivating a relationship with your desiresLearn more about Jennifer Louden:
WebsiteIt's Not Too LateLearn more about Rebecca:
rebeccaching.comWork With RebeccaSign up for the weekly Unburdened Leader EmailResources:
War and Peace, Leo TolstoyFor All MankindWicked Little LettersThe Mary Tyler Moore Show -
How does curiosity show up in your life, work, and relationships?
Does your curiosity influence your strategy or planning? Or do you follow your curiosity to gain more knowledge or deepen your understanding of topics or viewpoints? Do you lean on curiosity to help you get to know someone better in ways that satisfy your interests or deepen your connection?
Do you keep following your curiosity even if it leads to uncomfortable or unknown places?
Our curiosity can reveal much about us, our interests, and our capacity for hope, discomfort, and imagination. But just as important is HOW we use our curiosity.
When we wield our curiosity to prove a point, we can cause division and harm. And when we use curiosity to honor others and our vulnerability, we can build the bridges necessary to cultivate the spaces we dream about and desire.
Todayâs guest has combined his own lived experiences and research on curiosity and bridge-building into a powerful, nuanced book and set of practices on curiosity and how we use it in our relationships.
Scott Shigeoka believes curiosity has the power to transform your life and change the world. It's the key to connection, healing, and personal growth. It's a critical practice for your relationships, leadership, and life satisfaction. In his book, Seek: How Curiosity Can Transform Your Life and Change the World, Scott teaches readers to strengthen their curiosity muscles with his signature DIVE method.
Scott has appeared on The Today Show, Harvard Business Review, NPR, The Guardian, and CNBC, and he has spoken at Google, Microsoft, Pixar, IDEO, Meta, Airbnb, and universities and schools around the world and teaches at The University of Texas at Austin.
Listen to the full episode to hear:
How Scottâs cross-country road trip showed in real-time that approaching fears with curiosity builds connection, understanding, and possibilityThe limits and boundaries to approaching others with curiosity in the momentWhy we need to bring curiosity and humility when we catch our own biasesHow social and structural power dynamics influence how we balance curiosity, discomfort, and anger in a groupThree key questions to ask yourself to identify if your curiosity about another person or situation is invasive or predatoryHow letting go of certainty opens up possibilities and allows for growthLearn more about Scott Shigeoka:
WebsiteSeek: How Curiosity Can Transform Your Life and Change the WorldInstagram: @scottshigeokaLearn more about Rebecca:
rebeccaching.comWork With RebeccaSign up for the weekly Unburdened Leader EmailResources:
Rising Strong: How the Ability to Reset Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead, Brené BrownThe Making of Another Major Motion Picture Masterpiece, Tom HanksBillie Eilish - LUNCHInside Out 2Beyoncé - RENAISSANCE -
What is your relationship with your dreams?
Not your goals or visions for the future, but the actual dreams that appear when you sleep?
Deepening our understanding of our dreams is not just a trailhead, but a transformative journey to better understanding ourselves, what drives us, what limits us, and what impacts our choices and behaviors.
Todayâs guest, Selden âDeeâ Kelley, urges us to take the time to reflect on dreams so that we can better understand how our inner systems are processing our present and our past. He reminds us of the profound power of witnessing our subconscious burdens, a process that validates our experiences and our desire to be seen and heard.
Dee is a lifelong learner. He holds five degrees in religion, psychology, an MBA, and a PhD in Industrial Psychology and Organizational Development. He served 18 years as the Pastor of the First Church of the Nazarene in San Diego and held various leadership and administration positions before becoming a pastor.
He has a deep passion for helping others discover the rich guidance that dream work can provide for their journey toward health and wholeness, and helps people connect with the power of their dreams as a pathway toward new insight, better decision-making, and improved creative thinking.
Content Note: Dee draws heavily from Jungian male-female archetypes. I want to note that the discussion of gender expands across the spectrum and is not limited to the male-female binary.
Listen to the full episode to hear:
How Deeâs approach blends hypotheses of the biological functions of dreaming and uses them in service of greater self-awarenessHow every personâs dreams have an individual dialect Advice for beginning to remember and take note of your dreamsWhy specific interpretation can matter less than the reflections the interpretation leads toHow paying attention to our dreams can help us embrace imaginative, nuanced thinkingDifferentiating between dream crushers and useful contrarian voices, in dreams and awakeLearn more about Dee Kelley:
WebsiteInstagram: @drdeedreamscoachLearn more about Rebecca:
rebeccaching.comWork With RebeccaSign up for the weekly Unburdened Leader Email.Resources:
What Dreams May ComeInception -
When you are excited about something, how do you show up?
Do you wear excitement and passion on your sleeve for all to see?
Maybe your personality is more low-key and strategic, and it is less obvious when you're really excited about an idea, a vision, or being a part of something.
Or maybe you adapt and edit yourself, muting your responses to play it cool for fear you wonât be taken seriously.
Yes, itâs essential to consider your role, environment, and audience when you feel energized about something. But if weâre constantly focused on who we should be, how we should act, and what the right thing to say is, itâs hard to have hope and a vision for the future.
Meg Raby Klinghoffer does not feel weighed down by messages about playing it cool and downplaying her excitement and joy anymore. She is emphatically all in with helping others envision how the spaces where we live, work, and play can be inclusive for those with invisible disabilities. She is becoming a contagion to create spaces where we can all be welcome and feel comfortable being ourselves, from concerts to museums to schools and beyond.
Meg is the author of the My Brother Otto series, a Speech-Language Pathologist, a writer for Scary Mommy, and a full-time employee of KultureCity, the nationâs leading nonprofit in sensory inclusion. She is also autistic.
At any given moment, Meg is thinking about how to better love the humans around her and how to create positive change without causing division.
Listen to the full episode to hear:
How receiving an autism diagnosis and owning that identity has allowed Meg to advocate for herself more freelyHow to respectfully approach learning more about and supporting the autistic adults in your lifeHow having an autistic community helped Meg let go of old rules and embrace her identityHow KultureCity addresses the need for macro-level change to make spaces more supportive and inclusiveMegâs vision for moving beyond awareness or acceptance to true inclusionLearn more about Meg Raby Klinghoffer:
KultureCityScary MommyInstagram: @author.meg.rabyLearn more about Rebecca:
rebeccaching.comWork With RebeccaSign up for the weekly Unburdened Leader EmailResources:
Somebody's Daughter: A Memoir, Ashley C FordKamala Harris and the Threat of a Woman's Laugh - Sophie Gilbert, The AtlanticWe're Not Broken: Changing the Autism Conversation, Eric GarciaYung PuebloPost Malone - Hollywood's BleedingLauren Daigle - Rescue3 Body ProblemThe Jacksons: An American Dream -
What sparks your imagination?
What shuts down your capacity to imagine?
Where does your mind go when the stakes are high, and the pressure feels too great? Do you find yourself mentally preparing for the worst possible outcomes, as if you were rehearsing a play? Do you shut down or numb out to manage your fears and anxieties?
Our brains naturally seek comfort in the known or fill in the unknown with potential disasters. However, it takes conscious effort and practice to build the capacity to imagine positive outcomes when things feel bleak.
But we can counter overwhelm and despair by connecting with imaginative individuals who embody hope, curiosity, and possibility grounded in vision and action.
These visionary leaders remind us that something different is possible and that we can choose to take deliberate action to change the prevailing tides.
In this new series of Unburdened Leader conversations, Iâll be in dialogue with leaders who urge us to envision a future that's not just a distant dream, but a reality we can actively shape today.
Over the next few months, you will hear conversations that invite you to take meaningful action here and now that does not deplete but heals and energizes.
These visionary conversations will help you connect with your desire to see a way through the noise and do something different.
Listen to the full episode to hear:
Why this moment feels so vital to share conversations with leaders imaginingâand buildingâa more moral and just worldA taste of upcoming topics of conversation, from invisible disabilities to reframing resilience as a collective undertakingEssential steps for building and protecting your capacity to hope and imagine in trying timesLearn more about Rebecca:
rebeccaching.comWork With RebeccaSign up for the weekly Unburdened Leader Email.Resources:
EP 02: How Self-Leadership Saves You From The Relentless Drive To Succeed with Dr. Richard SchwartzEP 88: Right-Use-of-Power: Navigating Leadership Dynamics with Dr. Cedar Barstow -
What does it mean to you to live a life with no regrets? Is that even possible?
What if itâs less about avoiding regrets entirely and more about being clear on your values, dreams, and desires and combining that with intentional practices to build a life focused on things that matter to you and the world around you?
Of course, this takes work because weâre constantly pulled in many different directions and responding to many inputs, just trying to keep our heads above water.
To lead well, we must get clarity in our values and develop trusting relationships with our inner worlds and physical bodies.
Instead of chasing a life with zero regrets, we need to learn to respond well to our regrets in the moment. If we want to look back and feel good about how we responded, we canât numb out or bypass; we must make amends and correct our course.
Todayâs conversation is with a long-time friend and colleague who reminds us that living an aligned life is a meandering path, a life that is always stretched and tested. It's not always easy, but when we stay connected to our values, desires, and integrity, there can be ease and clarity even in the hard times.
Molly Mahar is the founder of Stratejoy, a community helping women reclaim intimate, honest, and joyful relationships with themselves for the good of all. She's an entrepreneur, mama, writer, and adventurer obsessed with designing personal experiments that scare you, telling the truth, and her new teardrop trailer. In this episode, Molly shares her journey of living an aligned life, her struggles, and the lessons she learned along the way.
Listen to the full episode to hear:
How Molly prepared, financially and emotionally, to embark on a year of travel and a major move with her familyHow relocating on their return may have actually made it easier for Molly to integrate her experiencesWhat putting their lives on hold and being together 24/7 revealed about Mollyâs relationship with her husband, their parenting choices, and how they handle conflictThe support and practices that helped Molly get back in alignment Unpacking her complicated relationship with alcohol and why she knew she needed to get sober for goodThe core questions that Molly used to guide her self-reflection throughout the tripLearn more about Molly Mahar:
StratejoyInstagram: @stratejoy, @mollymaharLearn more about Rebecca:
rebeccaching.comWork With RebeccaSign up for the weekly Unburdened Leader EmailResources:
EP 107: The Seasons of Entrepreneurship: Leading a Deliberate Life with Laura RoederBetween Two Kingdoms: A Memoir of a Life Interrupted, Suleika JaouadBirnam Wood, Eleanor CattonYou, Again, Kate GoldbeckPaper Planes - Radio UpMAGIC! â Good Feeling About YouNyadThe Idea of YouSaved by the Bell -
What do you want to be known for? And what actions do you take to be seen in that light?
What lengths do you go to to avoid being misunderstood and viewed differently than what you want to be known for?
What drives what you want to be known for, and what are your choices to uphold your desired image or reputation?
Most of us have multiple internal agendas that shape our decisions and how we show up and are seen by others and ourselves. Our values, fears, and burdens, internally and externally, drive us.
When we place our worth and safety solely in the hands of others, we go to great lengths to hold on to how we want to be perceived. Lengths that too often leave a wake of chaos, abuse of power, manipulation, and betrayalâall to maintain the illusion of control.
We need more leaders who give us hope and reverence for humanity and others. These leaders do the work to build their capacity for discomfort so that they can lead with conviction, humility, and a deep sense of connectedness bigger than their personal ambitions or fears.
Joining us today is a guest who embodies the principles we discuss on this podcast. Dee Kelley is a leader who leads with love and compassion, demonstrating the power of these qualities in leadership. Our conversation with Dee is a reminder that compassion and empathy are not signs of weakness, but rather, tools for personal growth and resilience.
Selden âDeeâ Kelley is a lifelong learner and a beacon of knowledge. With five degrees, his academic prowess is unmatched. He served 18 years as the Pastor of the First Church of the Nazarene in San Diego, demonstrating his deep understanding of faith and its intersection with personal development.
A driving force in his life is to help others discover the rich guidance that dream work can provide for their journey toward health and wholeness. He now helps people connect with the power of their dreams as a pathway toward new insight, better decision-making and improved creative thinking.
Listen to the full episode to hear:
Why Dee wanted to open a conversation about the relationship between the LGTBQIA+ community and the church, and why he has no regrets despite the consequencesHow Dee came to realize that the things he feared in others were invitations for learning and growthWhy we need to commit to having hard conversations even when we donât know the outcomeHow a strong sense of values and identity apart from his position in the church softened the loss of his role and credentialsHow Deeâs case sits in the larger context of faith communities grappling with and declaring how they will relate to LGBTQIA+ communitiesLearn more about Dee Kelley:
WebsiteInstagram: @drdeedreamscoachLearn more about Rebecca:
rebeccaching.comWork With RebeccaSign up for the weekly Unburdened Leader Email.Resources:
The Daring WayâąEP 02: How Self-Leadership Saves You From The Relentless Drive To Succeed with Dr. Richard SchwartzA Hope For ChangeWhy We Sleep: Unlocking the Power of Sleep and Dreams, Matthew WalkerAstridWomen Talking -
What are you deliberate about in your life?
What does living deliberately mean to you?
Would you say that youâre a deliberate person? Would those who know you say that you are deliberate in how you live your life and lead?
Living deliberately can be a real challenge, especially when weâre constantly dealing with unexpected issues and navigating through the many crises in our world. The pace of life is so fast, it often feels impossible to slow down and reflect before taking action.
But thereâs something deeply important about being deliberate if we want to cultivate life, work, and relationships that align with our values. It is messy, awkward, and challenging, but it is so worth it.
Todayâs guest has built a career that serves her personal needs, values, interests, and skills through deliberate action, even when it flies in the face of conventional wisdom about entrepreneurship.
Our guest today, Laura Roeder, is a true inspiration. She's a lifelong entrepreneur and the founder of several bootstrapped companies that have each reached multi-million dollar status. Her ventures include Paperbell, CoachCompare, MeetEdgar, Marie Forleoâs B-School, and LKR Social Media. She's been recognized as one of the top 100 entrepreneurs under 30 and has shared her insights on entrepreneurship at prestigious venues like the White House, the Virgin Unites Branson Centre of Entrepreneurship, the University of Southern California, and Loyola Marymount University.
Listen to the full episode to hear:
How Lauraâs desire for time freedom has impacted her decision-making as a business ownerHow launching a business immediately before having her first child fundamentally changed the way Laura has run every venture sinceWhy leaders need to let go of the belief that they canât teach someone else to do what they do How owning up to your mistakes and the steps youâve taken to fix them builds trustHow Laura has navigated her desire to work and to lead after selling a company for a life-changing amount of moneyLearn more about Laura Roeder:
BlogPaperbellInstagram: @bypaperbellLearn more about Rebecca:
rebeccaching.comWork With RebeccaSign up for the weekly Unburdened Leader Email.Resources:
The One Thing: The Surprisingly Simple Truth about Extraordinary Results, Gary KellerNo, Wealth is Not a Measure of Value CreationExit Interview: The Life and Death of My Ambitious Career, Kristi CoulterFlorence and the MachineLove is BlindSaved by the BellWaking Up -
Do you have thoughts about how the word âtraumaâ and other therapy-speak terms have bled into our day-to-day conversations in person, at work, and on social media?
Do you feel pressure to perform being âokay,â even when youâre anything but?
Have you ever pursued a project or career milestone only to realize, once you achieved it, that it no longer fits your life, values, or interests?
Todayâs guest is a long-time, respected colleague who joins me for a profound and thought-provoking conversation about all of the above and then some. Itâs a privilege to have people with whom we can engage in deep conversations without hesitation or self-editing; this chat is no exception.
Our guest, Sarah Buino, is a renowned speaker, educator, and therapist. She is the founder of Head/Heart Therapy, Inc. and Head/Heart Business Therapy, and a member of the adjunct faculty at Loyola University Chicago. Sarah is also a podcast host, known for her series, âConversations With a Wounded Healer' and 'The Burnt Out Practice Owner.â Her work focuses on the role of personal healing in caregiving and the challenges of group therapy practice ownership.
Listen to the full episode to hear:
How the concept of ordinary trauma helped Sarah recognize what was and wasnât her responsibility as she healedThe essential difference between discomfort and trauma and how it relates to our relationship with agencyWhy being âokayâ is just a data point, not a destinationHow mindful awareness sets the stage for healing, regardless of modalityWhy Sarah maintains that therapy is political and that we have to lead through values and relationshipsHow Sarah and her colleagues brought their values into their group practiceHow Sarah came to realize that she was done owning her practice and ready to move onLearn more about Sarah Buino:
Head/Heart Business TherapyInstagram: @HeadHeartBizTherapyConversations with a Wounded Healer PodcastThe SarahsLearn more about Rebecca:
rebeccaching.comWork With RebeccaSign up for the weekly Unburdened Leader EmailResources:
How trauma became the word of the decade â and the Covid-19 pandemic - VoxWhat is NARM?Farewell, Strategic Accommodation, An Elegy to White Supremacy by Sarah SuzukiDecolonizing Therapy for Black Folk 2024Politicizing Your PracticeLiving In The Tension: The Quest for a Spiritualized Racial Justice, Shelley TochlukOlivia Rodrigo - vampireThe Secret of Skinwalker RanchSaved by the Bell -
What does healing mean to you?
What expectations do you hold around how we heal and how quickly we heal?
Meeting our basic human need to be loved and experience belonging can be the root of many things we do, say, and wantâfor better or for worse.
Many of us have experienced relationships that shape how we pursue love and belonging, how we respond to folks who are different or have differences, how we handle conflict, and how we navigate not being perfect and not knowing all the answers.
So, how we seek love and belonging and perceive and pursue healing are inextricably connected.
Under those circumstances, we want to rush our healing process, achieve our desired changes, and be fixed as soon as possible. The stakes are high!
But we do not arrive at âhealedâ and coast for the rest of our lives. There is no three-step plan to change, heal, and thrive ever after.
Healing is a lifelong process that must be pursued and revisited with the ebbs and flows of our lives. Sometimes, those ebbs and flows feel like tsunamis, forcing us to revisit old wounds or discover new spaces in our stories that require our care and attention so that we can find love and belonging within, first and foremost.
Frank Anderson, MD, returns to the show to discuss his beautiful new book, To Be Loved: A Story of Truth, Trauma, and Transformation.
Frank Anderson, MD, completed his residency and was a clinical instructor in psychiatry at Harvard Medical School. He is an author, psychiatrist, therapist, speaker, and trauma specialist whoâs spent the past three decades studying neuroscience and trauma treatment. He is passionate about teaching brain-based psychotherapy and integrating current neuroscience knowledge with the IFS therapy model. His published work spans contributions to literature and training for a clinical audience and works accessible to the general public.
Content Warning: We cover some heavy topics around verbal and physical abuse, conversion therapy, and suicidal ideation. Please take care as you listen to this conversation.
Listen to the full episode to hear:
How the process of writing his memoir caused Frank to interact with his past in ways that surprised himThe tricky balance of telling stories honestly but from a loving place, especially with his familyHow releasing his anger and coming to forgive and love people who harmed him gave Frank space and freedom to forgive himself for the harm he has doneWhy Frank says healing happens first emotionally and somatically within yourself, and then you can work towards relational healing and forgivenessHow different phases of Frankâs life have influenced what and how trauma he unpacked and releasedWhy do we have to stop clinging to divisive polarities and recognize the good and bad in ourselves and each otherLearn more about Frank Anderson, MD:
WebsiteInstagram: @frank_andersonmdFacebook: @mdfrankandersonConnect on LinkedInTo Be Loved: A Story of Truth, Trauma, and TransformationTranscending Trauma: Healing Complex Ptsd with Internal Family SystemsLearn more about Rebecca:
rebeccaching.comWork With RebeccaSign up for the weekly Unburdened Leader Email.Resources:
Open Monogamy: A Guide to Co-Creating Your Ideal Relationship Agreement, Tammy NelsonConan Gray - HeatherP!NK - TRUSTFALLFellow Travelers -
If you love, you experience loss.
Looking back over the last few years, who or what have you lost? A loved one, a friendship, a relationship, a pet, a job, your health, your community? Something else?
Have you had time to reflect on and grieve your losses and find meaning and sense in all you experienced?
And how do you talk about your losses with those around you, if at all?
We cannot engineer the experience of grief out of our lives, but many try, at a significant cost, to their well-being, their relationships, and their ability to function, connect, and lead.
Grief will always do its job regardless of our response to griefâs presence. And the more we try to avoid the heartbreak, mess, awkwardness, outrage, and vulnerability, the more we disconnect from our humanity and those around us.
So, the question for us is: How will we respond when grief comes knocking in our personal lives, work, and world?
Joon âJ.S.â Park is a hospital chaplain, former atheist/agnostic, sixth-degree black belt, suicide survivor, and Korean-American, a person of faith and valuer of all.
He is the author of As Long As You Need: Permission to Grieve, part hospital chaplain experience and memoir, and The Voices We Carry: Finding Your One True Voice in a World of Clamor and Noise.
J.S. currently serves at a top-ranked, 1,000+ bed hospital and was a chaplain for three years at one of the largest nonprofit charities for the unhoused on the East Coast.
Content note: This conversation covers topics around sexual abuse, suicide, and experiences of racism. Joonâs message and heart feel healing and gracious as he shares some tender issues. But please take care of yourself as you move through this beautiful conversation.
Listen to the full episode to hear:
The physical toll of unacknowledged accumulated grief that J.S. took on through his chaplaincy trainingHow contending with pervasive and severe suffering daily challenged and reshaped J.S.âs faithHow he began to grapple with his experiences of abuse, racism and internalized shameWhy we need to learn to engage with a range of grief and validate our responses to it to healWhat we can learn about others when they use clichĂ©s and platitudes in response to griefHow working closely with grief has changed J.S.âs concept of what it means to be successfulLearn more about J.S. Park:
Instagram: @jspark3000Facebook: @jspark3000As Long As You Need: Permission to GrieveThe Voices We Carry: Finding Your One True Voice in a World of Clamor and NoiseLearn more about Rebecca:
rebeccaching.comWork With RebeccaSign up for the weekly Unburdened Leader EmailResources:
Meditations of the Heart, Howard ThurmanWhat We Kept to Ourselves, Nancy Jooyoun KimThe Last Story of Mina Lee, Nancy Jooyoun KimDeparturesAndorBeyond the Infinite Two Minutes -
Are you aware of all the expectations you hold yourself to?
The day-to-day buzzing of our inner life can feel relentless, can't it? We're all too familiar with the bombardment of 'shoulds' about how we should act, dress, talk, move, etc. It's a struggle that resonates with each one of us, making us feel understood in our shared experiences.
We carry so many shoulds from our family of origin, culture, difficult life experiences, work experiences, people we respect, and people who we want to respect us.
But the shoulds that mess with us the most and lead to the heaviest burdens are the stealth shoulds around what we should and should not feel.
Todayâs guest, Dr. Alison Cook, returns for the third time to share her transformative new book. This isn't just a guide that addresses these 'shoulds ', it's an empowering invitation to unpack our stealth expectations of ourselves and our world. It's an invitation to approach the 'shoulds' that show up in our lives with curiosity and compassion, paving the way for personal growth and self-improvement.
Dr. Alison Cook is a psychologist and teacher who has spent two decades helping individuals name what's hard and take brave steps to transform their lives. She is also a best-selling author, teacher, and host of The Best of You podcast. She co-authored Boundaries for Your Soul and is the author of The Best of You, and I Shouldnât Feel This Way. Alison is also a certified Internal Family Systems therapist, a dear friend, and a trusted colleague.
Listen to the full episode to hear:
The internal tension and disorientation Alison experienced when she couldnât accomplish what she âshouldâ haveHow following her systemâs lead led Alison to make a surprising connection to another pivotal transition in her lifeUnpacking the familial and cultural origins of our shoulds around work and successThe high personal and social stakes of not making space to name what weâre feeling Why itâs vital to be able to discern who can best support you in processing what youâre going throughHow to cultivate space for yourself to witness the hard things, rather than bypassing from naming to fixingLearn more about Alison Cook, PhD:
WebsiteThe Best of You PodcastInstagram: @dralisoncookI Shouldnât Feel This WayLearn more about Rebecca:
rebeccaching.comWork With RebeccaSign up for the weekly Unburdened Leader EmailResources:
Ep 50: Embracing the Hot Mess: A Special Anniversary Episode with Alison Cook, PhDEP 25: The Boundary Barriers of Leadership with Psychologist and Author Alison Cook, PhDNotes to Myself: My Struggle to Become a Person, Hugh PratherDaily Affirmation: Valentine's Day - Saturday Night LiveCircle of Grace: A Book of Blessings for the Seasons, Jan RichardsonBob Marley & The Wailers - Redemption SongBob Marley: One LoveFriendsPretty in Pink -
Many of us are familiar with the kind of person who easily earns the moniker âtoxicâ and instills fear, rage, and frustration in those around them.
What do you do when you work with a toxic leader?
How do you feel when toxic leaders continue to get promoted and receive accolades?
And what do you do when others make excuses for these toxic leaders, like saying their skill set or network is too important to the organization and you have to âtake the good with the bad?â
Toxic leaders and cultures take a toll on you, especially when you have your own relational wounding history. You may try to speak up or feel shut down, but thereâs another common theme: How betrayed you feel when your experiences are met with silence, inaction, or retribution.
We're at a critical moment regarding leading, accountability, and culture. But one thing that still feels constant is the impact of our history with relational wounding and relational trauma, and how that impacts how, or if, we speak up in the face of injustices from toxic leaders and toxic work culture.
Todayâs guest wrote a book on the impact of toxic leaders and cultures, including how we often protect toxic leaders at great expense to the staff and the business. As someone who was bullied both as a child and in the workplace, she has some very special insight into this all-too-common experience.
Mita Mallick is a corporate change-maker with a track record of transforming businesses. She has had an extensive career as a marketer in the beauty and consumer product goods space, fiercely advocating for the inclusion and representation of Black and Brown communities. Her book, Reimagine Inclusion: Debunking 13 Myths to Transform Your Workplace, is a Wall Street Journal and USA Today Best Seller.
Listen to the full episode to hear:
The practical toll on the business of enabling toxic leaders to continue to manage teamsThe psychological and physical impact of the workplace trauma created by working under toxic leadersHow people end up in environments that recreate the harmful relational patterns of their pastWhy those with more power in the workplace need to speak up on behalf of othersHow executive coaching can be used as a Band-Aid to cover toxic behaviorHow guilt and empathy for the teammates weâd leave behind can keep us stuck in toxic environmentsLearn more about Mita Mallick:
Connect with Mita on LinkedInBrown Table Talk PodcastReimagine Inclusion: Debunking 13 Myths to Transform Your WorkplaceLearn more about Rebecca:
rebeccaching.comWork With RebeccaSign up for the weekly Unburdened Leader Email.Resources:
Glossy: Ambition, Beauty, and the Inside Story of Emily Weiss's Glossier, Marisa MeltzerSia - UnstoppableBreaking Bad - Mehr anzeigen
